(Source)--An investigation is underway after a stolen 18-wheeler with nearly 18,000 pounds of commercial bathroom paper products was found in North Carolina Wednesday.Deputies with the Guilford County Sheriff's Office first spotted the truck on Interstate 40 in Whitsett, which is outside of Greensboro.After they followed the truck off the highway and pulled it over, deputies discovered that it was stolen. The bathroom products were found inside.
This might go down as the greatest heist of our times. In these tying times there is no hotter commodity than toilet paper. Worth it's weight in gold. Chaos is a ladder and these fucking assholes wanted to make sure that they owned the asshole market. You want to sell cigarettes or push harmless vices on people, fine. You want to steal diamonds or gold or whatever else organized crime does these days, go nuts. You start taking my butthole hostage and monopolizing how people can shit, well, that I can't abide. The market is scare as it is. I have gone to Target and/or Marianos every day since Sunday and guess what...there hasn't been one square of TP available for purchase. How is that possible? Presumably they're still getting shipments. I've been there enough times to see giant trucks going in and out. How can not one roll find it's way to the shelf? Well apparently because there is a black market for toilet paper and trucks are getting held up.
Now there is a little thing called the constitution that specifically says we can't use "cruel and unusual punishment". Makes us week, imo. We need deterants right now god damn it. If people are going to force a large part of the population, or any part of the population, to walk around with dirty butts, an unusual crime, then there needs to be an unusual punishment.
1) They have to take a laxative with every meal for the next 18 years.
Imagine having diahrea for 18 years straight. Nobody can endure that sort of punishment. Well almost nobody
2) Community service: they have to work in an old folks home as a diaper changer
Shoutout to the people who work in nursing homes. Often times they're selfless people with an incredible generosity of spirit and unmatched patience. My grandfather had horrible alzheimers and was in a nursing home for over 7 years unable to talk, eat, or do anything. What those people in there did to care for him was incredible.
Having said...it is fucking disgusting and if you're going to prevent people from wiping their own asses then you should have to forced to wipe the asses of others.
3) Life sentence of single ply
I've been on the dude wipes train for the last 48 hours and it has been spectacular. I almost can't even imagine going back to regular toilet paper and I think I'd rather die than use single ply. A life sentence of single ply feels like the worst punishment imaginable for these dickheads.