I Watched The Vermont Governors Race Last Night And It Was Amazing

So yesterday I was driving home from the office and traffic on Mass Ave was outrageous. I’m talking 10 minutes or more in between each light, it was horrible. That is, until somebody randomly tweeted a link to the Vermont governor debate onto my timeline. Since I was bored and had nothing better to do (like focus on the road or some lame shit like that), I decided to check it out. Boy oh boy am I happy I did that. These are your candidates. Three boring dudes in ties, four lunatics, and a moderator who looks like a librarian pulled from 1984 who’s using what appears to be a rotary phone to field questions.

Anyway, here are your candidates. I apologize if I don’t get their exact platform correct, I only caught closing arguments and, as I mentioned, I was also driving so I wasn’t paying 100% attention. Only like 90%…

Pete Diamondstone: I think Pete thought he was running for president. He was talking about issues WAY bigger than maple syrup, ski mountains, and last call time at the Pickle Barrel. Pete is against both socialism and Iran. There was a brief mention of ISIS and he also said “The revolution will not be televised.”

Cris Ericson: HUGE fan of protest. Cris’ two main points were this: adults should be allowed to use headphones in the library. Apparently only children can use headphones in public libraries, adults cannot. She thinks this is preventing adults from obtaining an education that will help them get a job. She also wants people to protest the use of motor boats in Lake Champlain. And protest wildlife control in Lake Champlain. And protest a potential oil pipeline through Lake Champlain. Cris Ericson is a huge fan of headphones, Lake Champlain and goofy hats.

Emily Peyton: Emily had a simple two point plan: 1, give homeless people houses and 2, privatize banking like her German friend told her the Germans do. I’m pretty sure America also has privatized banking but I’m not running for governor of Vermont so what do I know?

Bernard Peters: I think Bernard just needs a job. Like I think he was applying for welfare and got shuffled from line to line and next thing he knew he was sitting on stage for a debate. He went on about how he’s poor so he knows what it’s like to go through hard times and that’s the kind of guy you need in charge. The whole thing was like one long “Why lie, I need a beer” homeless guy’s sign.

As for my vote? It goes to Pete Diamondstone. Dress for the job you want. Give me an ambitious guy in the governor’s mansion. A guy who has goals and dreams. You want to go fight Isis and Iran and shit? Good! When it comes to being in charge of a largely unimportant state, aim higher.