One of my favorite underrated parts of college football primetime games is the array of skits we get to see beforehand at the good ol' Nissan Heisman House.
I love that house.
Who wouldn't want to spend time there? And what a brilliant idea to say "hey what if all these college legends all shared the same house together frat style".
They do call the Heisman club "the most exclusive fraternity in the world" after all.
So while I was sitting at my own home in quarantine last night, I got to thinking - what would quarantine look like at the Heisman House?
Tim Tebow would be in the front dining room that no one ever uses but it has the best lighting for his daily sermon. It's light attendance everyday, but he encourages his companions that "the Lord is our light in these dark times. Turn to him." He's just about to finally start the Aaron Hernandez documentary. The downtime will be welcomed after going through that again.
Johnny Manziel shows up on occasion to Tim's services if for no other reason than to make him feel justified in his Proverbs tattoo. When he's not half occupied with Tebow's sermon, he's writing lyrics down on a yellow notepad for a budding rap career encouraged by his friend Drake. "NFL don't want me, feelin like the ex, but the XFL ain't what's next, hope the League returns my text". 'Nice' he says with a slight smile as he jots down his story.
Matt Leinart struggles the most with being stuck inside. The Southern California heartthrob kicks his feet up staring out the window dreaming of days in the sun and shell necklaces. "Can we order a tanning bed for the basement?!" he yells out of frustration until he remembers that Amazon shipments are currently shut down. "I'm still better looking than Brady Quinn" he whispers to himself.
Derrick Henry takes pride in bullying Kyler Murray and Mark Ingram. He takes Kyler's sandwich everyday and holds it high above his head to force Kyler to jump and get it. Once Kyler tires out he eats the sandwich, pats Murray on the head and says, "Try again tomorrow young fella" while he licks his fingers as he walks away. Then Kyler takes a nap.
Marcus Mariota spends a lot of time alone. He most welcomes this quarantine because quite frankly he can't stand talking to any of these MFs. Usually you can find him sitting on a perfectly made bed like he's meditating with his legs crossed and a book opened directly in the middle of his lap. He reads. Every now and then someone will remember and ask, "hey has anyone seen Marcus recently?" which is usually met with a bunch of shoulder shrugs and Baker Mayfield saying he thinks he last saw him leaving the bathroom and heading back to his quarters when the only reason Baker saw him is because he was going to the bathroom after him to take a mirror selfie. Speaking of Baker...
Baker Mayfield won't put a damn shirt on. His daily outfit is black nike joggers sagging just a tad so his plaid boxers stick out the top, no shirt, and the same headband. He's had it on since the quarantine started. He does a lot of pushups and pullups in doorways and anyone who gets near his "shred station" is quick to get some Baker in their face. "What's up bro you got a problem" Mayfield says as he pumps his chest out towards his fellow Heisman winner until Herschel Walker steps through in which Baker steps aside with no questions asked.
Herschel Walker actually gets gains from his pushups and situps because unlike Baker he doesn't shotgun Bud Lights at every chance he gets. The only problem with Herschel is he keeps trying to fight people MMA style. Look at him the wrong way and he's roundhousing your ass. "Nobody got time for that. Just relaaaax, man," says Ricky Williams closing the pantry after he gets his Pringles and Combos.
Ricky Williams is the dude most guys want to hangout with. He's set himself up a nice little pseudo apartment in the attic where anyone could go to decompress a little bit. You go there to talk about life, space, and the differences between a head and body high. Whatever you need, he's got it. Manziel and him have become rather close. Even Tebow has come around every now and then because Ricky told him "it's from the Earth, man. It's from God." The older guys aren't too fond of it. And when I say old guys I'm talking guys who were around during World War II old guys. Like Notre Dame's Paul Hornung.
Paul Hornung keeps calling everyone "little fairy boys" because they won't go outside and face the virus. He tells them his generation survived the greatest virus of them all - the Nazis. Everyone gets very uncomfortable when Grandpa Hornung comes around. He rambles a lot about stories from his time and old girls he used to woo on the dance floor back when they "actually danced" to "real music." Luckily Doug Flutie is nice enough to know how to handle the old man so he hops at the chance to say 'hey grandpa Hornung I was on Dancing with The Stars, let's have a dance right now' and whisks away the Notre Dame legend.
Doug Flutie keeps getting mad at Joe Burrow because Joe keeps thinking he's Tony Danza from the Disney classic "The Garbage Picking Field Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon". "Look kid" Flutie says in a fury. "Just because you're hot shit right now and can see what's on top of the fridge without a step-stool doesn't mean you can just come in here running your mouth." To which Joe points at his national championship ring without a care in the world. "Besides," Flutie says, "If anything you look more like that kid from Home Alone."
Then to everyone's surprise OJ Simpson pops in and says,"Guys, guys you do look like both of them, and that's ok! Take it from me, a guy who was actually in movies," he says with a laugh. The room chuckles nervously before Simpson says, "Ooh you guys got cake? What's the occasion? I'll cut it just let me grab a knife!"
The whole room scatters.
A day in the life of a quarantined Heisman House.