I'm desperate for something to watch and react to accordingly. Sports are not walking through that door. So let's try The Price is Right.
The Price is Right reminds me of two things: First, it reminds me of my grandparents; house where my grandfather would watch Bob Barker through a drunken haze and then cuss about how much marshmallows actually cost. Second, it reminds me of staying home from school. And that was a great fucking feeling.
I'm gonna watch this whole fucking thing and treat it like a sporting event. I'll update frequently.
So let's live blog:
11:00 - First four contestants are a frat bro named Morgan, a housewife named Sharon, Lloyd and a short gal named Lauren. Lauren was the most excited and I hate her immediately. I like Lloyd.
Drew Carey looks less emaciated than the last time I saw him.
First prize up for bid is a pair of bikes. I say $850.
Morgan 650, Sharon 700, Lloyd 520, Lauren 658. Actual retail price is $589. Let's fuckin go, Lloyd.
11:03: Lloyd is from Inglewood. He's about to play for a laptop, washer/dryer or a grill. A gas grill. Gas grills are for pussies.
The name of the game is Easy as 1, 2, 3. He has to put them in order from least to most expensive. I say grills, laptops, washer/dryer.
Lloyd went grill cheapest. I don't like his chances.
Lloyd lost immediately. He's replaced by Anetha, who's dressed like she's headed to a parent-teacher meeting. She far outclasses the rest of the group. I'm now rooting for her.
11:06: Up for bid is something. Anetha 780, Lauren 900, Corbin not Morgan 1150, Sharon 901. Corbin wins. I thought it was Morgan. He's very excited. He has a meme t shirt about getting your pets spayed or neutered. I don't particularly like Corbin.
Corbin is going to play for a trip to Aruba. Is Aruba a place everybody goes now? I've seen a lot of people going to Aruba. I don't even know where the fuck it is.
Corbin is gonna play Bonkers. I don't know the rules. He has to rearrange the numbers to make the price in 30 seconds. He's fuckin terrible. He's done it 5 times and wrong every time. Corbin lost.
We're 0-for-2 and Drew is getting pissed. He just loosened his tie and threatened Corbin with death if he didn't get the fuck off the stage.
11:11: Drew's tie is terrible. We're adding Ryan Sullivan, who is wearing a graphic tee made up entirely of Drew Carey pics. I hate Ryan.
The prize is designer jewelry, the presenter is Devin and he wants to kill himself.
Ryan came with jokes and he bids 1,330, Sharon 1425, Anetha 1100, Lauren 1,600.
Ryan's joke was "Oh, this is easy, Drew." He immediately fucks up the bid.
Anetha. Yes. The PTA fit gets on TV. It's her birthday. I love her so much. Before we get started, Drew throws a dig at Ryan for being a cocky little bitch.
Anetha is playing for a NEW CARRRRRRR!!! It's a 2020 Chevy Midget that I couldn't fit my pecker in.
The game is Pass the Buck. Neither Drew nor Anetha nor me understand it. She has a 1-in-6 chance. Anetha is from the south, I can tell.
While we're here, I think my wife is going to kill me. Please send help.
Meanwhile Anetha is guessing the cost of oatmeal and Jello so that she can get more chances. She got the oatmeal right. She fucked up on the Jello.
So now she has two picks to win the Chevy Dwarf. I would purposely throw this game if I were her. Anetha chooses No. 1 and Drew acts as if she's lost everything. With great disappointment, he reveals Anetha has won the Chevy Little Person. Anetha couldn't be more thrilled. The fans are rushing the stage. What a beautiful scene in America.
11:21: It's time to spin the wheel. Spinning this big wheel is one of my life dreams. It looks so incredible.
Lloyd says hi to his wife and Willow Street, promptly spins .85. I'm back on Team Lloyd.
Corbin says hi to friends in Oklahoma. Spins 70, he's gonna be gone sooner than he thought. Get it? Oklahoma. Corbin busts. He's gone from our lives forever.
Anetha says hi to her kids and grandkids in South Carolina. Told you she was from the south. She spins 50 and 90. And with that, Lloyd is screaming yes and biting the heads off of live bats. He's dancing like a 74-year-old white guy. I still like Lloyd. He's headed to the showcase showdown.
11:26: It's kind of amazing this show has been around 50-something years. It's one of those shows that's not very good but we just accept it because it's always been this. And I've been watching since 1986. The format hasn't changed on single bit.
We're adding Martha Italian last name. She's....substantial. We're gonna bid on a loveseat and fireplace.
Martha bids...........FUCK Breaking news from Governor Andrew Cuomo. We've got a coronavirus update in the middle of my Price is Right.
Cuomo is talking about this virus.
11:28: He's not even providing an update. He's just talking in generalities. He's saying what we're scared of. I'm missing Martha for this?
11:38: Cuomo is still prattling on without actually saying anything. I wonder what happened the the Price is Right models from when I was a kid. I think one was named Holly. There was one named Dianne. Now we've got this dude named Devin who, frankly, isn't all that good looking.
11:45: Cuomo is making me feel a little better about the virus but I'm starting to believe I'm not going to be able to see the Showcase Showdown. And that's just such bullshit.
11:48: Cuomo is now taking questions. And I think I've just realized why there's a big divide between the media and the public. These reporters are stupid. They're asking stupid-ass questions and simply making Cuomo repeat himself.
11:51: OK, this isn't gonna come back. So what now? Do we try this again tomorrow? Do I try another show? What should I do. Email suggestions to Walker@Barstoolsports.com.