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Conservationists Had To Help 4 Elephants Kick Their Drug Habit After Dealers Fed Them Heroin-Laced Bananas And Got Them Addicted

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Mirror- Four elephants who were addicted to HEROIN are now “clean” thanks to a drug-treatment programme, conservationists say. The group have had to go cold turkey at an elephant breeding centre in south west China but are now ready to rejoin elephant society. Campaigners say cruel drug dealers use turned the elephants into junkies by feeding them bananas laced with heroin. The tactic makes the wild animals much easier to control as they are desperate for the next fix. Chinese Triads then use the elephants to smuggle drugs in huge quantities across the China-Myanmar border. Chen Jiming, of the local Asian elephant breeding centre that has been working to help the elephants kick the habit, said: “It has been a long battle but we can safely say that they are now reintegrated into elephant society and in some cases even have families of their own.”

What the hell?  Be fucking weirder China.  You probably can be.  It wasn’t enough that Chinese drug dealers got them addicted to heroin (a weird and fucked up thing to do) but then to spend time and put them through a drug treatment program might be even weirder.  I mean giving them methadone and shit to help them kick the habit?  Give me a break.  I love animals just as much as the next guy but I think the cold turkey route would’ve worked just fine on this lot of Dumbos.  And who knows, maybe they liked being heroin-addicted junkies.  Ever think of that?  You can try and tell me being high on heroin all the time is no way to live but I won’t believe you.  I’ve never done it but there has to be a reason people keep doing it.  That reason without a doubt being that it’s fucking awesome.  The bees knees.  And what else do these elephants have to do?  Exactly, nothing.  Might as well get high on heroin bananas all day and chill the fuck out. Sounds perfect.  If I was an elephant and could choose between the life of a punk ass sober elephant or a heorin addicted, feel good elephant I take the latter 100 times out of 100.*  I’d be the cool, crafty, clever heroin addicted elephant.  I’d be like Bubbles from The Wire, but an elephant.

*Real sentence, real thoughts