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Comparing Each Celtics Player To My Quarantine Food Roster

We're at the point where things are going to start getting a little weird on the blog in term of basketball content. There are only so many Woj/Shams bombs to keep us going and in order to survive you have to think outside the box. Which is the exact reason we're going to compare each of my remaining quarantine snacks to a member of the Boston Celtics. Why? Frankly I have no idea but it's better than nothing. Now I should state that this is just what I currently have right this second. I don't know about you but I've been plowing through my reserve at an alarming rate. High lottery picks like Peanut Butter M&Ms are not included in this blog because they lasted about 15 seconds into our quarantine and I don't really feel like going back to the store. I'll be honest, this may not be the best quarantine lineup but it's all I have to work with for the moment so please do not snack shame me. Times are already tough enough right now. It's a delicate balance trying to combine healthy snacks and things that actually taste good when you know you're going to be shacked up for the foreseeable future. 

OK, let's run through it

Kemba Walker - Tortilla Chips sans salsa

Tostitos chips are a franchise building block of snacks, I think we can all agree with that. Much like how Kemba is a franchise building block for this team. There's only one problem with my situation and why it's perfectly related to Kemba. I cannot find my fucking salsa anywhere. Much like how Kemba can't find his jumpshot anywhere since coming back from injury. I'm starting to think maybe I forgot it at the store in which I'll never find it and there's a chance Kemba never finds his jumper again. Chips and salsa are an elite combo with tons of potential, much like Kemba Walker as a basketball player. But with no salsa (jumper), the snack is basically a liability (rusty Kemba). 

Jayson Tatum - Ben & Jerry's Slices (Cookie Dough)

I had no idea these were even a thing until I saw them in the ice cream isle, but out of nowhere they have burst on the scene in my house as a superstar snack. Much like how Tatum made his statement in the month of February out of nowhere. He was always good, but he went up a level. That's what this snack signifies to me. This is a max level you dedicate your entire franchise to type snack, much like Tatum is as a player for the Celts.

Jaylen Brown - M&M Cookie Sandwich

An elite snack having a great year but doesn't exactly get the hype of his teammate (Ben & Jerry's Single). Make no mistake though, despite maybe not getting the fan fare of the other ice cream snack of this blog, the M&M Cookie sandwich is a max extension caliber snack. It's consistent, you always know what you're going to get, you can build a future around it, which is basically what Jaylen's season has been. Dude has been consistently awesome since Day 1 of the season. 

Gordon Hayward - Original Cheez-Its

Imagine my disappointment when I saw that there were no reduced Cheez Its available. There's nothing wrong with Original, it's going to give you a solid 17/6/4 on 50% shooting every night, but despite that production people are going to complain that it's not Reduced Fat. The truth is it will never be Reduced Fat no matter how hard it tries. Those days are over. When you sign on to be a Cheez It and you end up just being Original that's going to get criticism. Do you know how many people are quarantined that would kill for Original Cheez Its to be their 4th snack? Tons. But at the same time this snack will get all the flack because people can't just enjoy the consistency of an Original Cheez It.

Sound familiar?

Daniel Theis - Celery And Peanut Butter

Couldn't find a more Daniel Theis type snack if you tried. In my opinion a HIGHLY underrated snack is celery and creamy peanut butter. It's not as popular as some other big name snacks, people will laugh at you when you tell them it shows up every night and is just as good as those other expensive snacks, but people won't want to believe you. They'll laugh at you and say you should have traded for something else, but the real ones know. They know this snack brings the whole quarantine group together. Without it, things just wouldn't work the same. It's healthy, but there's enough peanut butter there to actually make you enjoy it. 

Marcus Smart - Eggs

Do you know how versatile eggs are? You can do scrambled, an omlet, hard boiled, soft boiled, a quiche, over easy, over medium, by themselves or in a sandwich, they are versatile as fuck. You know who else fits that description? Marcus Smart. Put him at point guard and tell him to be a facilitator, throw him on a big in the post and watch that big man cry out of fear, you need a big three? Smart has no problems taking it and making it. 

You never really want eggs but you know in a pinch when things get tight, they'll come through for you. Just like Marcus Smart.

Romeo Langford - Honey Bunches Of Oats

Little known fact about me. I love Honey Bunches of Oats. Might be my favorite cereal to plow through after a couple of trips to the clouds. I've been known to crush multiple bowls of this cereal without hesitation. It's a lottery level snack, but due to others on this list it's not going to get much burn right away. It's almost like you could think of this snack as a luxury. You don't need it, but when you throw it into the mix you're like "oh right....this is pretty good!" 

You know who else lives in the clouds and gives this roster the same feeling or being an extra piece that's nice to have? Romeo.

Semi Ojeleye - left over homemade corned beef sandwiches

One of the best things I've ever purchased in my life was a crock pot. If you don't have one by now I'm not sure you know how to be an adult. Those things rule. One of my favorite uses of my crock pot is to make homemade corned beef sandwiches. They are delicious and you have a shit ton of leftovers to last you a while. 

So how does this relate to Semi? To be honest I'm not all that sure, probably because he's beefy as shit and big time jacked as a result of hours and hours in the gym aka crock pot. This thing was cooking basically all day so it fits. Don't question that, just accept it and we can move on.

Enes Kanter - Homemade pizza

Big time fan of homemade pizzas. Sometimes I rock with a pizza stone but lately I've been going more with my cast iron. You can be a pizza hardo and make your own dough, but for me the store bought stuff works just fine. It's consistent in it's limited role which is why it's on the list, but there's one key reason why pizza is being related to Kanter.


When I make these it takes no more than 10 minutes. Not a minute more. Sort of like how Brad only plays Kanter around 10 minutes in most matchups, not a minute more. Any additional time and the whole thing goes to shit. When it does its job (rebounds/scores in the low post), it's incredible. But too much pizza can be bad for your waistline, just like too much Kanter can be an issue for this roster. Finding that perfect balance is important. 

Tacko Fall - Gatorade

It has become law in my house that nobody is allowed to touch the collection of Gatorade we have stocked up unless someone is sick. It's only for emergencies. Despite it being a fucking dominant force (Tacko), I'm not allowed to unleash it at this time. Sort of like how Tacko solves all this team's big man problems but Brad never breaks the glass and plays him. 

Carsen Edwards - homemade pigs in a blanket

As Clem will tell ya, these bad boys are a walking SWISH. Well if there's one thing Carsen can do it's but the ball in the hoop. Don't pay attention to his regular season shooting averages, instead focus on that one time he made 8 3PM against the Cavs in a preseason game. That makes this comparison much easier. 

Javonte Green - Couscous

As time as gone on I've become more and more of a couscous guy. Rice is fine and all, but that shit takes forever. With couscous you get a very delicious side in basically no time. I'm talking 5 minutes max. Every time you have it you remind yourself how awesome it is. That's sort of like Javonte. He doesn't get a lot of minutes to get warm, but the second he's on the floor he does some crazy athletic shit that makes you say "hey maybe we should have more Javonte Green if it's this easy". Sounds like couscous to me.

Brad Wanamaker - Apples

Eating healthy is important at a time like this. Apples can be really good at times, but if you're looking at your roster of snacks you most certainly aren't thrilled about having to go that route. When you get a good apple it can be just as good as any other snack, but a bad apple ruins everything and does nothing but make you mad.

That's sort of like Wanamaker. This roster needs him and when he's good it makes all the difference in the world. But when he's bad it enrages everyone and you remember that if given the choice you would never willingly go apple. You eat it because you have no other options. Tell me that isn't the backup point guard situation right now.

Grant Williams - Chicken Fajitas

I will go so far to say that it is impossible to hate chicken fajitas. Love these premade things from my supermarket and it delivers every single time. Sort of how it's impossible to hate Grant. Sure he can go in another shooting slump from three like we are currently experiencing, it doesn't matter. We love him anyway. He's the glue that keeps this team together. A guy that you can spot start and he'll do his job, a guy who will never complain about his role and is overall a positive influence on the rest of the roster.

That's what these are for my quarantine lineup. They can be a dinner, a lunch, and I smile every time I make them. Very Grant.

Tremont Waters - Wafers

Not gonna lie, I bought these on a whim and have been pleasantly surprised. Pair them with a mug of tea and you have yourself a quality late night snack. I had never bought these before and they are quickly rising up my snack chart, the only problem is I dunno who they are going to replace. I know in my heart I want to see more of them I just don't know where the roster space comes from.

That's basically Tremont Waters. Guy shows all the potential in the world yet can't really crack Brad's rotation. Guy prefers apples, what do you want me to say. But Tremont has enough game to warrant minutes similar to how these wafers do. 


Robert Williams - Strawberries and Blue Berries

You know these are good, but you almost never have them available. When you finally get a good batch of strawberries it pretty much changes everything, but when it's not in season it's more often than not hit or miss. If you could just find a way to get good strawberries consistently you'd really have something.

Isn't this exactly what we saw about Timelord? Guy would dominate if he could actually stay on the floor, but who knows when he's going to be available.

Vincent Poirier - One left over tamale

I'll be honest, this thing has been in my fridge for a while and probably won't see the quarantine rotation. If it does, things have hit rock bottom and are a big time disaster. Sort of like any situation we see Vinny Sex Pants getting minutes. You may love him, just like tamales, but they are way down there based on what is already on your roster.

You keep it because you never know what role it plays in the chemistry of your snacks so you can't just trade it for an upgrade, but at the same time you don't exactly love the times when you have to use it. That's Vinny.

And that's it. All 17 members of this roster if they were my quarantine snacks. I'll be honest ended up being better than I intended when I first came up with this idea for this blog. Remember, we are not snack shaming in 2020, we're all just trying to get through the next 3 months together.