The Person Who Cures Coronavirus Deserves The Following
I think we can all agree that the person who cures the Coronavirus deserves a little something special. With that in mind, here is my idea for their first day after saving the world.
At a location of their choosing, the cure-er will board a private jet co-captained by corona-recovered Tom Hanks acting as his character “Sully,” who will lead a water landing into one of the locations featured in the hit song “Kokomo” by the Beach Boys.
Upon touch down, the cure-er will be transported to the spotless white sand in a golden throne by Lebron James or someone else with a lot of experience carrying. Once situated, they'll be treated to a perfectly prepared wild salmon who wasn’t even caught but rather sacrificed his own life by flopping into a fishing boat after watching game tape of Lebron James or someone else with a lot of experience flopping.
If the cure-er doesn’t like seafood, they should also have the option to a Warren Buffett themed buffet where they can choose from all of Warren Buffett’s cash in either $20 bills or $100s.
Once the cure-er’s appetite is taken care of, they can spend the 30 minutes post-meal (before their allowed to swim) getting a beach chair back rub from the strongest hands imaginable—most likely a concert sign language interpreter on a cycle of steroids.
Either that or they could just feel the breeze by being repeatedly bicep curled by Lebron James or someone else who likes to strong-arm their superiors.
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Eventually, they’d make their way to the crystal clear water that would be cold enough to make you nervous to dip your balls, but not cold enough that you regret it afterwards. At their own leisure, they’d swim up to a sandbar where they’d join Laremy Tunsil and Michael Phelps take rips out of a Rip Hamilton face mask before receiving a personal swimming lesson from an absolutely ZOOTED Phelps.
Once the cure-er has had their fill of fun in the sun, they would be ushered into a private villa and greeted by President Donald Trump who would then present them with every piece of information we have on extra-terrestrial life. Afterwards, our President would leave the room only to be replaced by several members of the opposite sex who would, while it was still fresh on everyones mind, be down for a session of alien themed role play.
At the conclusion of love making, Lebron James—who also likes to alienate role players—would greet the cure-er with an large aperitif. I know it seems like we are over-using Lebron here but who better to deliver post-coital alcohol than the person who invented load management and is confirmed uncomfortable taking the big shot himself?
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Our cure-er would probably be pretty tired at this point, so the rest of the evening would be spent at a private screening of never before seen deleted scenes from the filmography of Quentin Tarantino. The screening would be topped off by Keegan Michael-Key and Jordan Peele performing an unprecedented recreation of their best sketches from the hit show “Key & Peele.”
The day would finally conclude for our cure-er by being tucked into a Californian king bed by, you guessed it, the person who wants to be a Californian King so bad—Lebron James. Or if he is too worn out from everything else then Keegan Michael-Key can do it. As long as it is someone who isn’t quite as good as Jordan.