Got this DM from a chick last week that gave me a good chuckle. College age kids are the PERFECT target for urban legends. They’re all meeting a zillion new people, from new places, with entirely different lifestyles than there’s. They are outside their bubble for the first time, learning about other people and other places and are so eager to make friends and learn and fuck that they’ll believe absolutely any goddam thing they hear. My friends, friends, boyfriends girlfriend’s family had to kill a dog because this girl got buttfucked? YUP! Facts! Makes perfect sense. Basically all through college you become Killer from Half Baked talking to The Guy On The Couch - I believe him, yo. I dunno why, but I do.
But it’s not just college. It’s always. Young, old, whatever. Because we, as humans, are programmed to be story tellers. The original form of entertainment and education - story telling satisfies that curiosity that lurks inside of us all. So we WANT to believe these tales. We WANT to retell them to our friends and be the center of attention. The guy who told the great story. The one the has everyone buzzing. I’m not talking about a funny little anecdote that gets the group to chuckle. Laughs are cheap. We’re going for gasps
It’s like believing in Santa Claus in Miracle on 34th Street. Do you want a truth that brings a tear? Or a lie, that brings a “holy shit! You’re telling me this chick shit on the couch and blamed it on the dog????” I know my answer.
So today’s episode of Mailtime is all about the best Urban Legends. All the different kinds. From the camp fire horror stories to celebrity rumors to the bizarre life experiences of a friends friends aunts sister. I also tell the story of the time I was duped by an urban legend in the most MORTIFYING of ways and how it made me a mortal enemy for the rest of my life. But what I did was hold back my top 5 Urban Legend rumors for the blog. Because anybody who knows KFC knows my pen is mightier than my sword. So without further ado, let’s get it
Cal Ripken’s consecutive games streak almost ended because he caught Kevin Costner fucking his wife, beat the shit out of him, and told the Orioles he wouldn’t make it to the game that night. The Orioles then purposely concocted a “lights malfunction” which delayed and eventually postponed the game, thereby keeping Cal’s Ironman Streak intact.
This is like a 2 for 1 Urban Legend. The love triangle saga plus the MLB coverup. As the story goes, Kevin Costner was sleeping at Ripken’s house, Cal left for the park, realized he forgot something, and when he returned he walked in on them in bed. Makes perfect sense! I mean, why WOULDNT Kevin Costner, international movie sensation and multi millionaire, be sleeping on his pal’s couch?? Of COURSE he left to go to work with his best buddy movie star staying at home hanging out with his wife and I’m sure his children. This is a situation that frequently occurs!
Those are the details that get me. If you told me Kevin Costner fucked Cal Ripken’s wife in a hotel and it was some salacious affair, I could believe that. When Cal was on the road or if his wife was out in LA or something. What I don’t believe is that Kevin Costner - the goddam Bodyguard and Robin of Loxley - was involved in some sort of You, Me and Dupree situation with the most reliable shortstop in history. The whole "Cal forgot something and returned home to find them having sex" is not how a guy like Kevin Costner gets pinched. Thats what happens to normal people. Thats how I got caught masturbating in my ex wife's apartment when we first started dating and she forgot her wallet after leaving for work. But thats a different story for a different day. Bottom line is I dont think Kevin Costner was sleeping on fucking Iron Man's pull out couch and got caught during a little afternoon delight. If Cal knew Costner was his house guest, it would be too easy for them to explain their way out of it.
What I DEFINITELY believe is that something was afoot the night of the "light malfunction." I'm willing to bet there were several times the O's took extreme measures to make sure Cal was still out there every day, but most certainly when they canceled this game. I dunno if it was because of Kevin Costner throwing back shots, I dunno if he was kidnapped like a "Celtic Pride" situation, if he was on a bender, or just flat out missing - but this excuse was FOR SURE to keep the streak alive. How many baseball games get canceled because of fucking lightbulbs? I have never heard of that before this and never once again after. Good job outta Baltimore. And I guess Kevin Costner too.
Sticking with baseball...
Joe Buck had an affair with Fernando Tatis
Easily the weirdest Urban Legend I've ever heard. And I mean easily. Fernando Tatis was fucking Joe Buck. And I say it that way very purposefully. There's no way Joe Buck was the top in that situation. Fernando Tatis hit 2 grand slams in the SAME INNING, ok? Theres no way that guy wasn't calling the shots in that tryst.
Alligators in the Manhattan Sewers
A real throwback for any New York kid. I suppose this one is pretty regional, obviously. But I feel like everyone heard about this one. Maybe it was the Ninja Turtles effect that made this widespread, but I feel like everyone knew there was alligators in the New York City sewer system. And I'll tell you what...to this day, as a 35 year old man whos been here my whole life...I believe this one. Now, take that declaration with a grain of salt, seeing as how I'm also a 35 year old man who just learned that tortilla chips were made from tortillas. I'm not exactly Neil Tyson Degrasse. But I'm pretty well versed in New York, and I believe this one. Primarily because it all stems from a real story. Back in 1935 a bunch of kids actually found an 8 foot gator in the sewers:
This was my favorite excerpt from a NYT article:
The boys looped a rope around the animal’s neck and pulled it onto the street, but when it snapped at them, they beat the reptile to death.
So I dunno man, you tell me. Like the reason there's an urban legend about alligators in the sewer stems from the fact that they FOUND AN ALLIGATOR IN THE SEWER. I realize that finding one gator is different than a network of them living underground but I mean, its very much rooted in reality. And if you've ever seen the streets and gutters of New York City, this is a completely plausible thought. The rats are the size of dogs. Hell, the fucking humans I come across are mutated. I, for one, think theres every chance some zoo gators escaped or some reptiles of some sort grew down in those tunnels. What I'm telling you is I basically believe the plot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I think most New Yorkers would agree. Its like if you go down to Florida and tell them that its an urban legend that there are snakes that can pop out of your toilet bowl. They're gonna tell you to fuck off because thats a true fucking story. Improbable, sure. Impossible? No.
A girl on vacation overseas/studying abroad/traveling goes on a date and back at the guy's apartment he asks to give her a massage. He begins rubbing lotion all over her body as they are starting to fool around. The dude starts giving her weird vibes so she ends up cutting it off and going home. Over the next couple days she breaks out in a rash and goes to the dermatologist, where the doctor proceeds to tell her that her skin tests reveal a substance that cannibals use to prepare human flesh before they eat it. The girl calls the police and gives them the address, where they find dead bodies and human flesh in the man's apartment. She was moments away from being eaten by a cannibal.
Honestly I couldn't recall all the details of this one, and I cant even find it on google. Snopes and other websites have the alternate version where she gets maggots growing inside of her and she learns the man she slept with was working at a funeral home and had been fucking the corpses. This is the cannibal version of that tale. I was told this story a few years ago and got duped. Thought it was a real story because I had never heard that one. But listeners on the podcast let me know they had heard the same thing with various twists. I think its one of the lesser known ones, though, and I say whoever came up with that one should begin writing movies for Eli Roth and Guillermo Del Toro because they are one sick, sadistic, creative motherfucker.
And last but not least, my favorite urban legend that everyone learns in college...
College kids drop acid one night. They hallucinate that they found a little troll/gnome/goblin as they were partying and they throw it in their trunk and take it home. They wake up in the morning talking about how crazy last night's trip was, only to start hearing noises and cries come from the closet. They open up the closet to find a small child locked in there. They had unknowingly kidnapped a child and brought it home with them.
My best friend in the world told me this story our first semester freshman year. He was at Pitt, I was at Fordham. I had no reason to think Weez would ever lie to me. But I'm sure his new roommates who he trusted would never lie to them. And they heard it from their brother who would never lie to THEM. And so on and so forth until you find the one asshole who lied in the beginning to set it all off. This one had my fucking jaw on the floor. I'm not a big drug guy and definitely not the hallucination drugs, but I think this story actually contributed to my fear of them. This, and the story about the guy who was on LSD and hallucinated that a spider on the wall began to grow and tried to eat him and he was so scared he lost his mind and was like, trapped inside his trip forever. Even though I KNOW these stories are not true...even though I KNOW giant spiders wont scare you to death and you wont kidnap a small child who you thought was a gnome...I still dont wanna fuck with acid. I remember thinking like "Damn, and I thought I was wild for stealing that picture off the wall at the bar. College really is fucking crazy!"
There's an alternate ending to the story where the kids call the police and return the baby and actually receive a reward for a missing child. I had never heard that part of the story, because I think that would have made me question the whole thing. I've seen enough movies and TV shows to know that if you tell the cops "Hey I uh...I found this baby? You can have it back!" that the police dont usually just take your word for it. Thats the thing about these stories...its always the ending that you never have. You never ask "Well what did the police do?" "Well what did the wife say?" "Well wouldnt the doctors have noticed?" etc etc. Because we dont want these things to be fake. We want to believe. I want to believe tales of cannibals and alligators and trolls. Because honestly? The stories in real life are way worse. Fact is always stranger than fiction. From terrorists to diseases and sex crimes...all the real tales in this world are way way worse than the ones you learned your freshman year of college.
We covered all the other classics on todays episode of Mailtime. So you can catch our commentary on all those there. But theres SO many good ones. Hit me with your favorites @KFCBarstool or comment below.
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