This Picture Of My Beard Is #FAKENEWS
Last night we went to a nice Italian dinner at a famous restaurant in Chicago called La Scarola. It was a lovely time; I went with the Penne alla Vodka with Sausage and for appetizers we went with mussels, meatballs, bruschetta, and sausage and peppers. Fantastic meal all the way around.
One of the owners, Armando, took a picture for us for their wall. This was the picture:
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All of Barstool Chicago sans our horny pervert of a camera guy Matt. Great picture! At least I thought so. The internet took exception to my facial hair:
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And on and on and it went. Just an onslaught of targeted and live action memes. There was WSD blood in the internet streets. If we're being frank, I laughed at all of them. If we're still being frank, I woke up and saw the memes were still flowing in and it hurt a little bit.
Look, everyone knows I throw 91MPH, am a marathon runner, and have a better grasp of the English language than Merriam Webster, but I also recognize that I'm only like an 8.2/10 if we're grading my looks on a pizza scale. I'm not on, let's say, a Vito and Nick's level of 9.0+ and that's okay with me. I accept that. That's just the hand I was dealt. Can't win em all, but I won the genetic lottery in most other areas.
So anyways, my facial hair was our talking point on radio today.
Chief couldn't get enough of my face, the face that cashes fucking checks, and apparently neither could the internet. Funny thing is, I planned on buzzing my face yesterday, which is atypical for me as I usually buzz it every Friday prior to the weekend. I even went out of my way to tell our social media guy DC that I was going to do so. Guess what happened? I didn't do so on Friday or over the weekend for whatever reason, probably out of laziness. That, and the buzzer died when I started buzzing it yesterday, so I couldn't prior to dinner last night. Eddie wanted to know what it looks like fully grown. Here are a few 10 year old pics from college:
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A loathsome, offensive brute. And yes I have to shave under my eyeballs with an actual razor so my bear does not, in fact, grow all the way up to my orbital bone.
Now fast forward to Barstool Radio this morning:
Some asshole at HQ photoshopped this picture. Fake news like you fucking read about. Who it was, I have no idea. But they're immediately on my shitlist. I hold grudges as good or better than anyone. I'm talking Arya Stark levels of shitlist creation:
We had Chuck Naso aka Sales Guy Jr. on the show to find out who the culprit was. Now I know Chuck's family from before either of us had anything to do with Barstool. He's a needler in every sense of the word, which is fine as it's his job to create storylines for social media. I immediately assumed it was him. Just a little rat faced cock sucking weasel creating deep fakes of people's beards to rile up the internet. That's fine. But he swears to god it wasn't him.
So who was it?
If it wasn't Chuck, it was either Quigs, Marina, JacMac1, JacMac2, Tyler O'Day, Karim or apparently some new kid named Josh. Once I find out who the perpetrator is, I will make sure to do something I regret.
Aka I'll tell them I thought it was hilarious. Even after we hung up to pass the radio torch to Big If True I could hear them talking about my beard and what an abomination it is. Trill, PFT, Gonzo, Liz (I think?) and whoever else just yucking it up unknowingly with me listening in.
PS - Chief, that cock sucker, is actually on my mental shitlist. That dude leans in on every picture to hide his doughy ass double chin and the second I catch him off guard I'm going to tweet out the most unflattering picture of him the internet has ever seen. He better keep his head on a swivel. That's an actual promise.