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Marry Fuck Kill: Pancakes, French Toast, Waffles

Kind of a weird day on radio for Barstool Chicago. Like everyone else, we're reeling from the change in times which got us started on a spirited discussion about time zones. Apparently and according to WSD, this should be the last time Central Time ever goes through the Daylight Savings process. Allegedly this is our final switch as soon to be decided by our local legislature because it's one gigantic pain in the ass, but it comes with a caveat: apparently all of our sports will go onto Eastern Time Zones to stay uniform with the switch, whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean. 

From there, we got into EST grinders that work a square 8 hours 5 times a week. You have to run the gauntlet when your teams go West. I tipped my cap to Frank the Tank. 

Well apparently Frank recently reviewed Wendy's breakfast, and that's a big deal to a lot of us so we obviously celebrated it: 

This lead to a critical discussion about brioche buns and whether Wendy's was smart enough to use them. Rumors say yes but remain unconfirmed.

Regardless - a central takeaway from the brioche angle was that brioche can really take your french toast game to the next level. A lot of people were unfamiliar with the tactic but I did my best to drive it home. If you know the brioche life then you live the brioche life. That doesn't make me a pussy - it makes me informed. 

Then John from Arkansas called. He was upset. 

He felt immense disrespect towards the waffle and he couldn't stand for it. Not when there's so many great waffle spots in northwest Arkansas, like Village Inn. So we stayed deep on breakfast but not before all hell broke loose:

Specifically, Eddie demanded to speak with someone from Village Inn, home and source of John's waffle love. He had our producer call into Village Inn headquarters. From there we waited.

Insert Stacy, director of operations for a number of Village Inns with an admittedly milfy first name. 

Stacy was kind enough to join us on radio to go behind the scenes of a global player in the waffle supply chain. 

What makes your waffle so good? Is it in the recipe or do you have a special mechanism? - Eddie, national radio host

Stacy responded with the most intelligent answer available: she deferred to their intellectual property. "It's in our special recipe." Well then Stacy I guess we're gonna have to take you up on that, aren't we? 

Village Inn has free pies on Wednesday. Come in then. - Stacy

Stacy you bad girl. Of course the boys want some pie. Is it any good? 

We've won the American Pie Association Pie Of The Year award so many times in a row, we keep breaking our own records. We're running out of recipes. - Obviously Stacy

This is honestly 15 minutes into an extremely underrated Shitty Monday and we got Stacy out of Fayeteville, Arkansas hustling pies and putting the waffle at the center of our discussion. Do your waffles know any bounds Stacy? Can we infuse one with Italian Beef? 

I would love to infuse your waffle with italian beef. - Stacy (Carl paraphrasing) 

Point is we spent the first half of the show in a roundabout conversation about waffles and french toast and obviously pancakes. We took calls on the matter. Some guys got passionate about their french toast. Others have extremely bold preferences when it comes to pancakes vs. waffles. Others think I'm a world class jagoff for assuming most waffles are cold/room temperature whereas the density of pancakes afford for more distributed and balanced warmth. 

Regardless of where you stand on the issue, it's obviously an extremely close race:

Notably, this argument transcends geography and wealth and class and demographics. No one is too rich or too poor for waffles. No one grew up in a place unwelcome to pancakes. You don't need a passport to enjoy French Toast. Every single one of the big 3 here is in play at all times for nearly every single one of you. There are no restraints that should leave anyone unqualified to participate in this argument. That's my favorite thing #1. 

Favorite thing #2 is the competition. A lot of people are inclined to go pancake but then you think of the crunch of a good waffle. The way syrup interacts with a well dipped and coated piece of hearty white bread. You start to lean other ways. 

But then the price of the pancake comes back and you instantly think of the economics behind a stack of silver dollars. You could take down 3 shorties before you even scratch the surface of a brioche loaf. 

French Toast enthusiasts would respond that pancakes require too much practice and precision. "Good batter only goes so far" echoes across kitchens everywhere. To truly love a pancake means to master that pancake and reasonably speaking, that's a tall order. I'd rather take on two 14 pound turkeys for a family reunion than try and make a decent batch of pancakes for myself. 

And all the while looms the waffle. A Belgian delicacy in all respects but availability. Done properly, it's versatility is limitless. Sprinkle in some bananas and walnuts and a healthy spoonful of whip cream. Maybe add some Nashville hot chicken and a Hinge date for some brunch. Or be old fashioned like me and fill each individual waffle-square with it's own serving of maple syrup. You know, take your time with it like a gentlemen. Be romantic. 

Whatever you want to do, just know there are no wrong answers when you Marry Fuck Kill the Holy Trinity of breakfast foods. Ergo and without further adieu, my analysis:

Marry Pancake: simple for me. I want to grow in this relationship. I appreciate it's potential more than the convenience and comfort of French Toast (high school girlfriend) or the sex driven divorced milf that requires too much time and attention (waffle). 

Fuck Waffle: don't think I'm quoting the waffle as an oversexed divorced milf in one paragraph and not fucking her in the next. C'mon guys do your homework. I'm a big Milf Guy. 

Kill French Toast: The most delicious in the group and the reason we got this started in the first place. But I only like French Toast from my pan and I want to be reasonable moving forward. Like my HS girlfriend I just don't know if I can grow into the man I'm supposed to be hanging on to French Toast. It's time to spread my wings and fly away with Pancakes while keeping it open and honest with waffle. That's my recipe for success and I'm sorry for those Frenchies that I've offended. I'm just trying to keep it real. 

Who would you fuck?