MOTHER OF GOD. The Coronavirus Outbreak Has Led To Costco Pulling Free Samples From Their Stores

USA TODAY- Costco is suspending free samples over safety concerns with the spread of the coronavirus. It was not immediately known if Costco has pulled samples from all stores in the U.S. or only in select areas or when the suspension would end. Club Demonstration Services, which provides in-store marketing events for Costco, declined to comment late Friday and referred calls to Costco. Costco did not respond to USA TODAY's request for comment.

I hate using Office gifs to express my emotions because I feel like that has been overdone for years now. But there is truly no better way to show how I feel than this.

What the fuck is this, Costco? I don't pay good money for my membership for just excellent prices on bulk items and feeling cool when I flash my ID card like I'm entering the VIP section of a club. I do it for the gaggle of free samples that somehow always taste gourmet even if they are being cooked in a microwave or on a random Foreman grill. How am I supposed to know if I want to buy 100 tacquitos if I can't try a sliver of one first? Okay, bad example because I always want to buy tacquitos. 

But playing the game where you act like you are interested in buying the product as the sample cook gives you their spiel while you chow down is as much the Costco experience as battling for parking spots and judging people for what comically oversized products they have in their cart. The amount of happiness I got in a day has actually been altered by the types of free samples that Costco had out that day, partially because I'm a Fat and partially because my kids don't misbehave at all because they are too busy eating all the delicious trinkets of food I am shoving down their throats the entire time.

Now that there are no samples, that pretty much means I am starting with a happiness level of 0 ever time I enter that. All because of that bitchboy coronavirus showing up to the country uninvited like Hans Gruber and the boys in Die Hard except Coronavirus is not classically educated, well-dressed, and has the worst alias ever (COVID-19). I've been trying to figure out how I can take my anger out since Costco free samples is one of the few joys I had left in my Dad Life. I can't challenge an actual disease to Rough N Rowdy and challenging someone who caught the bug probably isn't the best idea in the world. And asking Costco customers not to act like savages around free samples is a work in futility because many of them will stampede over a 1 or 100 year old just to get one step closer to the free batch of short ribs that is almost done cooking.  

So I am going to do what bloggers do and complain about it on the internet. Fuck you Coronavirus. You are officially REBUKED.

On a positive note, I am happy dickheads who do stuff like this will be not be greeted by a collection of tasty treats in those magical little paper cups.

P.S. If Costco does away with the $1.50 hot dog + unlimited soda combo, we may have to declare this whatever the highest level of emergency is for humanity. I'm talking higher than Thanos arriving in Wakanda or the asteroid in Armageddon showing up on NASA's radar.