William Shatner's Ex-Wife Gets His House In Malibu, But He Gets "All Of The Horse Semen"

William Shatner and is ex-wife Elizabeth Shatner reached a divorce settlement on Tuesday. According to court documents obtained by PEOPLE, William and Elizabeth divvied up their assets, including home and animals. 

The 88-year-old Star Trek actor is walking away with two of the former couple’s horses, Renaissance Man’s Medici and Powder River Shirley, along with two dogs, Macchiato and Double Espresso. He will also take ownership of “all horse semen” and horse equipment used for breeding the animals.

Elizabeth gets their homes in Malibu Cove and Versailles, Kentucky.

This has to be hard to swallow for Elizabeth. 

Sure, she gets a home in Malibu and a house in Kentucky, but there's not one thing more valuable on God's green Earth than a load of horse cum. And Shatner gets all of it. The court documents specifiy that "ALL horse semen" belongs to William Shatner. Elizabeth won't even get one iota of sperm. Not one iota!

And even if Elizabeth wasn't after the highest valued monetary assets, the fact that William gets to keep the two dogs shows that this was an absolute knockout victory for him. If you can't get the money, you have to keep the dogs. I think my order of things I'd want in this settlement would go:

1.) Horse cum

2.) Dogs

3.) House In Malibu

4.) Everything else

Not only did Elizabeth give up the top two items up for grabs here, she also completely failed in the way that William Shatner is EIGHTY EIGHT years old!!! How can you not keep him happy for the next what, two months? This dude is ticking time bomb. If the corona comes within 50 feet of this dude he's going to croak. How could Elizabeth ever fight with him? She's less than a year away from having a $150 million fortune!

But as much as it seems like I'm saying William Shatner dominated all aspects of this divorce, I do have one bone to pick with him. How in the world did he not have her sign a prenup before tying the knot? This is Shatner's FOURTH wife. You're worth $150 million and old as shit, Will. I'll be honestly with you, the only reason someone is marrying you is for horse semen, not your semen. I'd suggest when the next smoking hot young lady that comes your way tells you how much she loves your personality, you get her to sign a piece of paper that she's she doesn't get two of your houses when you inevitably divorce for the big #5. 

Oh man, he's 88. The next lady is going to be the lucky winner!