Man Divorces His Wife Because She Wasn't Making Sex Noises In Bed

(Source) — A Zimbabwean man is seeking to divorce his wife because she is not making “sexual sounds” in bed. Wilfred Mashaya told Harare magistrate Barbara Masinire his wife’s silence during love-making had driven him to the edge, and he now wants her barred from his house. “I had to give her a divorce token because we weren’t enjoying marriage. Even when I slept with her, she seemed unhappy because she would not even make any sexual sound,” Mashaya said at the Civil Court where he filed for a protection order.He claimed his wife, Sharlone Masvinge, was “violent and always provokes me to assault her”. Driving home the need to be kept apart from his wife, he added: “I’m a black belt karate player and I’m afraid if she continues provoking me, I’ll end up reacting and hurting her.” He went on to tell the court that Masvinge was also in the habit of calling numbers with female names on his mobile phone and insulting them.

In this day and age there are all kinds of ridiculous reasons for divorce. Reasons our grandparents would scoff at and say something condescending like “In my day, ’til death do us part’ actually meant something.” But I think you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who disagrees with the legitimacy of this one. If Wilfred wanted to fuck in silence once a month then he would have married a blow-up doll and saved himself the nagging of a living, breathing roommate. But instead he chose a human woman. He agreed to provide for her and put a roof over her head and accompany her to Bed, Bath and Beyond on Sunday afternoons. The least she could do is throw out a few fake ooohs and aaahhhs. That’s the social contract a wife signs. He pays for dinner, you pretend to enjoy sex. I don’t care if it’s real or fake, I don’t care if you just play the audio track from my favorite YouJizz video, just make sure the only noises being made aren’t the squeaking springs of the bed or my mumbling as I try and list the 2004 Red Sox lineup to keep from cumming in 17 seconds.

PS – “Black belt karate player”? You play karate?

PPS – Need to know what she was texting other girls in his phone. Bet it was ruthless shit.