Melty's Misconceptions

I know I know, you’re sick of hearing about this stupid small town teen dance hall at this point. But after yesterday's ANUS teaser, Nick and I have been receiving lots of questions and hearing lots of misconceptions about Melty’s, so I felt obligated to clear some things up. 

Melty’s was in Wheeling, WV

False. It was in St. Clairsville, Ohio (15 miles from Wheeling, WV) in a now-defunct strip mall between an H&R Block and a Colorectal Surgical Center.

Melty’s was room temperature

Technically true because it was a room, but also comically false. Melty’s was blisteringly hot inside at all times. So much so that it was often dubbed the literal “hottest teen dance club in the Eastern time zone.” The thermostat was permanently set to max (~80+ degrees) and the owner would use other vaguely illegal tactics to boost the heat and calefaction in the establishment (reverse fans, space heaters, industrial size magnifying glasses, etc.).

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Melty's was a large club

False. It was large in notoriety but extraordinarily tiny and narrow in size due to the fact that it was a former low-teir Quizno’s. As a result, damp teens were packed inside like sardines in a Graduated cylinder.

You couldn’t tell it was a former Quizno’s

Demonstrably false. Several different Quizno’s fixtures were visible in Melty’s for as long as it was in business, including the “MMMM…Toasty” signs which coincidently remained apt. 

Adults were allowed in Melty’s

False. Aside from staff, paramedics, and Kevin Pittsnogle on Kevin Pittsnogle Night, no one over the age of 17 was permitted in the club. However, some would end up slipping through the cracks using fake IDs. It wasn’t at all uncommon for local teens to sell their learner’s permits to similar-looking grown men looking to attend Melty’s.

The owner was “creepy” and “perverted”

Idiotically false. There was nothing suspicious about him. He was just passionate about his craft and knew that the pheromones released from rampant perspiration would make awkard and sober teens more likely to dance with each other. In fact, he was adamant about only refereeing the “battle of the sexes” chicken fights during the Fourth of July foam parties.

I almost drowned while playing a game of chicken during one of the foam parties.

False. Due to my shorter stature, I was strictly a top player and had the foresight to not even attempt to be the base in ~48 inches of foam, water, and general muck.

The owner had a "sweat fetish"

Technically true, but not problematically. He was an open salirophiliac but when it came to Melty’s, his motives were strictly professional. His arousal toward sweat had nothing to do with the business plan of keeping the club scalding at all times. 

There were often ringworm outbreaks at Melty’s 

False. MRSA and impetigo were impressively flagrant, but ringworm quickly became uncommon as attendees' immune systems naturally evolved. 

A lot of "funny busines"s happened in the bathrooms 

Technically true because the bathrooms contained bootleg fun house mirrors that subtly distorted your body, which often elicited chuckles from the teens. But between the heat, odor, and profuse sweating, patrons of Melty’s rarely attempted fellatio (and the like) inside the restrooms. 

Despite the heat and sweat, the sopping teens at Melty’s were able to stay hydrated.

False. No water, or any other substance or rations for that matter, was available at Melty’s aside from the $4 root beer floats, which were the staple of the club. 

There were wet t-shirt contests at Melty’s

False. There were never any sanctioned wet t-shirt contests, but most attendants of Melty’s were automatically drenched within 20–30 minutes of being there. However, there were “Grey Out Nights” where participants would be required to wear only light grey clothing and compete to see whose garments were the darkest shade by the end of the night. Winners received the “Grey Cup” which was a plastic stadium cup that said "1st place" in grey letters.

You could pay a fee for VIP access

False. There was never a fee, but staff would handpick teens (usually the least sweatiest or most stagnant) and coerce them to stand in the “VIP” (Vicious Indoor Perspiration) area in a small enclosed section next to the Quizno’s heat lamps.

Due to the excessive sweat puddles, teens frequently slipped on the floor of Melty’s

False. The entire floor plan was berber carpet, except for the bathrooms which were covered in a much thicker shag carpet. 

The basement was moderately chilly and contained batting cages. 

False. The basement was bitter and only contained one batting cage, which had a malfunctioning pitching machine that behaved erratically (random screwballs and risers) and only threw racquetballs. 

You'll never be able to find Melty's merchandise order. 

False. Nick already designed them. As long as the demand is high (more than 3 people), we will try our damndest to make them available to the public.