Mr. Kraft, Turning 73 Today Like a Boss

For most men, turning 73 is something of a tragedy.  Your body is breaking down.  Your wife looks like your grandmother.  By all the actuarial tables you’re swinging a weighted bat in death’s on deck circle.  As Casey Stengel (or one of the sycophantic New York baseball writers who invented quotes for Stengel and Yogi Berra) once said, “Most people my age are dead.  You can look it up.”  Well Mr. Kraft is not most people.  Where your average 73 year old guy wakes up needing to piss because of an enlarged prostate, he gets out of bed in the morning and pisses excellence.  Where plenty of guys his age shit into a bag, he shits gold bullion.  While his peers are making ED medicine America’s No. 1 product, he’s satisfying the needs of a beautiful young actress in the prime of her life.  That’s what 73 looks like when you’re a mogul’s mogul.  Whereas most guys his age are sitting in a rocking chair, he sits on a throne made of diamonds, forest products and Lombardi trophies.  Resting on a platform of unvalued Lamar Hunt trophies and held together with the tears of his vanquished foes.  And if Mr. Kraft is crying today, it’s only in the way Alexander wept, because he looked upon the breadth of his domain and saw there were no more worlds left to conquer.

Mr. Kraft: Giving old age the “Fuck you, Pussy!” treatment.  Here’s to many more. @JerryThornton1