Love Is Blind is the new reality TV show phenomenon on Netflix. The premise is utterly preposterous. Men and women agree to a romance experiment where they fall in love and agree to get married after only talking to each other. They round up like 10 men and 10 women, put them inside “pods” where they are separated by a wall and cannot ever see each other in the flesh until one person proposes. 6 couples...fucking SIX...all agreed to get married after talking for less than a week. They spent 5 or 6 days having literal blind dates with all the other contestants before pairing off, quote unquote falling in love, and agreeing to get married. After they propose they get whisked away to a tropical vacation where they then get to meet all the people they didn’t end up with, and an insane amount of awkwardness ensues.
Now, when I say that all of these people are absolute fucking lunatics, I mean it. It’s a crew of people from all different races, ages, and backgrounds - and every single one of them is out of their goddam tree. Grown ass adults falling in love like its summer camp and agreeing to marry a person they’ve never seen, fucked, hung out with in a social setting, spent a holiday with, seen how they operate during a normal work week, understand where they live, nothing. Zip zero nada. So everyone is obviously an asshole. But some are worse than others. Ranking from worst to the absolute worst, here’s the official Love Is Blind rankings. Lets begin with the completely irrelevant people and get this out of the way:
Im convinced this dude is Artificial Intelligence and not a real human. Damian, you have the personality of a bowl of mashed potatoes. Entirely possible hes a robot. Get off my TV screen.
Kenny and Emily
Kenny...Emily...dont take this the wrong way, but nobody - and I mean NOBODY - cares about you. Irrelevance doesnt even begin to describe these two. Not since Nikki and Paolo from Lost has a television audience cared less about an on screen couple. (Thats a deep cut but if you know the reference its SPOT ON. Credit to me) I'm not so sure its eve an insult to say that you're the couple on Love is Blind that nobody cares about. Probably means you're normal.
OK now on to the main stars. In order from Best to Worst:
This doofus is one of the most tolerable humans in the show, and quite relatable for a lot of normal dudes. You can absolutely judge this book by its cover. He’s a bro and probably the textbook definition of what girls call a fuckboy. I like Barnett because he’s the realest, most relatable guy in this train wreck. He was completely and totally overwhelmed by the whole process. Fell in love with one girl, told her he wanted to propose, changed his mind the next day when he actually gave it some thought, felt horrible about hurting anyone’s feelings, and ended up with the hot and kinky chick. I mean that’s pretty much the blueprint right there for a lot of guys. Totally indecisive, overwhelmed, but all coming from a good place with a good heart not trying to actually hurt anyone. Hey Girls! It’s not like we’re jerking you around on purpose! We’re all just idiots stuck on our own emotional roller coaster trying not to upset anybody. We’re all dumb like Barnett.
By far the most normal person on this show. I don’t think she’s had a controversial moment yet. When the wall flew up and she, a sexy level headed black chick with a rockin body, saw her husband-to-be turned out to be an awkward white man, she didn’t bat an eyelash. She was like ok, cool. When I know she probably had to at LEAST be like “welp that could have gone better.” If I could be her awkward white man, I would do so with pride.
Diamond was pretty normal too. She got engaged to a dude and then AFTER the proposal he told her that he used to fuck dudes in the past as well as girls. There’s nothin wrong with banging everybody that walks, but ya gotta disclose that info before you propose to someone. Ya just gotta. More on that situation to come, but the point is that Diamond handled the “my fiancé might suck dick better than me” bombshell with grace and aplomb. And then when the whole thing blew up she told him to “go get some dick” which is a phenomenal chirp to a bisexual dude being a total asshole to you.
G seemed like a normal chick. Until she started making every single conversation into a big deal. Everything became like an emotional confession where she made this dude pour out his guts every two seconds because she assumed something was wrong. Which, I guess, is what chicks do. So, pretty much par for the course when it comes to women annoying men. Anyway, I found her to be a sexy South American chick who was the most genuine of the bunch...but that was before I watched her assassinate a man live on television. They were having a normal ass fight and outta NOWHERE she goes “you know how you always say to me ‘this is the best sex of my life?’ Have you noticed how I never return the compliment?”
Instant suicide. I would have killed myself on the spot. When you’re arguing about arguing and suddenly she says you don’t fuck her right??? For basically no reason other than telling you the dick is trash?? You gotta get up from that hotel bed, and gracefully throw yourself out the window. Like Tommen In Game of Thrones. No dramatics, no last words, no nothin. Just splat
I’ll be honest I’m a little afraid to blog about Amber because she flat out scares me. Ex-military, and definitely trending up-and-to-the-right on the Crazy/Hot Matrix:
and prepared to rip anyone’s face off if they get between her and her Bro Dick from Barnett. I mean she blew up shit with tanks, for fucks sake. So part of me wants to just say “Amber is hot and she’s probably a DRAGON in the sack” and just leave it at that. But I gotta keep it real and risk getting rolled over by a Panzer. Amber is attractive but the way she talks you’d think she was a goddam Victoria’s Secret model or something. I mean she was walking around the joint like she was the Queen of England or some shit. Bitch you ain’t got no job! You ain’t got no house! And you’re on a reality show to find a boyfriend talking through a wall. Let’s tone down the ego.
But she would honestly take your dick clean off your body so I get it.
Carlton is the bisexual dude who hid his past from his fiancé. I don’t even know if you can call him bisexual because it sounded like now he definitely wants to specifically settle down with a female, he’s just got this history of fuckin dudes. We all have our phases we grow from. Like when I was younger I dressed like I was a rapper. I wore velour sweatsuits and throwback jerseys and bucket hats and Timberlands. I looked ridiculous. That was my phase when I was younger that I moved on from. Carlton’s phase just happened to be bangin dudes. Comme ci, comme ça. Truthfully I felt bad for him in the beginning. He was sobbing to the camera talking about how he either has to A) lie about his history with a person he wants to be fully honest with or B) tell them the truth which always blows up the relationship. That’s a shitty spot to be in. In a perfect world, it wouldn’t matter because you’ve allegedly fallen in love and are getting married and going to be monogamous. In your past you could fuck men, women, aliens, whoever, because theoretically you’ve found the one and she’s the only person you’ll ever be with going forward. No other girls, no other guys, no other nothin. But that’s just not the way the world works. The vast majority of chicks are just not gonna want to be with a guy who might ride better dick than them.
And thats why Carlton was one of the biggest assholes on this fiasco. He was gaslighting the fuck out of Diamond, making her feel like she was the one who was being shitty, when this dude basically entrapped her into an engagement before telling her some shit that drastically shifts the relationship dynamic. Dude cried his eyes out saying this confession always ruins relationships and then turned around and told her she was the only one who ever reacted negatively. Total dick move. A word of advice for Carlton, aside from stop being a hypocritical dick to the girls who you supposedly love - you probably should just marry a dude. The gay community is a lot more understanding about dabbling in the straight world than the straight world dabbling in the gay world. Sad, but true. Is what it is.
Cameron is listed as a "scientist." Dunno what that means. But its very clear that in his scientific bubble hes like Zack Morris or some shit. Hes like the coolest scientist which is like being the tallest midget. Way too much confidence for himself. But as I mentioned before, Lauren is the most normal person on the show and this is her husband, so hes gotta be alright too, right? Wrong. Because of one fateful mistake. One drastic misstep: when he decided to rap for her mother when they first met the in-laws:
RIP to me. After a week of death from a thousand cringes...a week of Love is Blind slowly killing me with secondary embarrassment...Cameron delivered the death blow. This was a shotgun blast of embarrassment that put me in the grave. Nail in the coffin, I'm dead. Just a horrendous move. Just tell her you used to be involved in music in college and leave it at that.
And finally...the moment this blog has been waiting for...the final 2 assholes from Love Is Blind
I feel bad for Mark. Hes a good dude. Like a genuinely good person. But never has someone been equipped with less self awareness than this guy. He is the physical personification of "Nice Guys Finish Last." Mark is 24. Hes a smitten kitten. He fell in love with a 34 year old Disney Princess Villain and didnt realize it. Which can happen to the best of us. Truly blinded by love. Enamored with the wrong woman. Young, dumb, and desperate to be the knight in shining armor. But after strike 3...4...5...forty fucking seven, Mark needed to eventually realize his fiance was a total dickbag. Like hey guess what Mark? They did an experiment to see if people's physical, superficial preferences would supersede their emotional connection and...drumroll please...your fiance's did!! I mean short (get it?) of Jessica straight up taking out Barnett's dick and blowing him in the middle of his birthday party, I dont know what else she could have done to signal she wasnt into you. We'll get to her in a moment - and shes definitely the bigger asshole - but at some point the other party has to share some blame for just letting himself get steamrolled every single time. She emasculated that dude on every level - sexually, emotionally, financially, etc - and he just kept taking it. And lets call a spade a spade, talking about your mom every 2 seconds didnt help the cause. I mean I'm the biggest Mamas Boy on the planet, but I'm aware that women you're involved with romantically are programed to hate your mother. Its just the way nature works. These hoes love attention and they dont like sharing it with another woman. Maybe thats something you know at 34 and not 24, and so he didnt get it yet. But what he DEFINITELY should know, is that when you take your new 34 year old girlfriend home for the first time, she doesnt want to sit in your apartment common room with your 2 roommates and drink aluminum bottles of Bud Light. That was such a stunningly bad move from a guy trying to fuck a superficial older woman. Just an all around horrible performance from a dude who swore up and down he wasnt a typical 24 year old and then did everything a typical 24 year old would do. Dont sweat it though, homie. You dodged a bullet. Because the number 1 asshole on Love Is Blind is undoubtedly
I would rather date Malificent than Jessica. I would rather marry Cruella De Vil than Jessica. I mean as far as I'm concerned they are both dog killers. I'm STUNNED the world didnt come for her when she fed her dog wine:
I mean lets run down the list, shall we? 34 year old woman, cant hold her liquor, emotionally torments her younger partner who she claims to love, blatantly and desperately flirts with the taller, bigger, better looking dude who she originally wanted to marry in front of her fiance and his, and puts down the man she said yes to, twice, by emasculating him regarding sex, finances, and just life in general. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, had an issue with their 10 year age difference except for her. She brought that shit up at every. single. turn. She was very openly hoping for someone…anyone at all…to break up her relationship. She was so hell bent on self sabotage, she threw the whole kitchen sink at Mark. She wouldnt fuck him. She didnt respect him. She all but had sex with another man in front of his eyes. She belittled and berated him when sober and when drunk. She flat out told him "I think Barnett is sexy and hot as fuck" right to his goddam face. She put on a TOUR DE FORCE of trying to get dumped. And nice guy Mark had to go ahead and be a stand up guy and try to make it work. Maybe Jessica was such an asshole because Mark wouldnt step up and do the right thing and call it off. You know? Like she probably saw that he was short and not attractive enough from her and said "Alright well I'll just refuse to fuck him and he'll dump me." And then after like a week of withholding sex she remained engaged and was like "You wanna get nuts??? Lets get NUTS!" She basically was like "alright lets take it up a notch" and just started mocking him for his age, his career, his family, and his outlook. She flaunted her money, she demanded a prenup, she did it all. It was an unbelievable performance of disrespect. Currently, right now, in this moment, I'd call her the most undateable woman in America. Netflix set out to determine if love truly is blind, and the answer with Jessica was a resounding NO. Love has fucking 20/20 vision for Jessica. 2 perfectly functioning eyes that know exactly how tall you are, how big your muscles are, how expensive your clothes are, how nice your apartment is and what the date on your drivers license says. Hey, dont hate the player, though. I'm not gonna pretend Jessica is the only girl who thinks about all the superficial things when it comes to relationships. But right now she certainly is the number 1 example of it. But dont worry, girl. 40 is rapidly approaching and I heard thats when guys really start to get excited. For the 40 year old mean drunks who dont put out. They'll be knocking down your door soon.
What a whirlwind of absolute maniacs. Every single last person. Even Normal Lauren. Sociopaths, the whole lot of em. And the craziest shit of all? Netflix filmed this shit 2 years ago! So all the couples who are together have been hiding it. Not like they are famous and people would have known if you saw them in public or anything. But still wild that they waited 2 years before this whole experiment/show came out for the public. What a bunch of strange birds. I mean who would sign up for this? Why dont you just do it like the rest of us. Find someone on Instagram and judge them based on their tiny little circle avatar picture. Screen shot it and then go to your camera roll and zoom in closer on their picture and decide if they are hot enough for you based on an overly-pixelated zoom in because you're unsure about friend requesting them because what if it turns out they are actually uglier in their pictures than their avi and then you're pot committed because you requested to be their friend and you have to pretend to still be interested even though you're not. Amiright?? Do it like that! Do it the NORMAL WAY! Thats what the rest of us NORMAL PEOPLE are doing. Weirdos.