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Reader Email - My Girlfriend Bit Me

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KFC,

I’ve been going out with my girlfriend for 4 years now (both 28) and moved in together 6 months ago. Everything has been going relatively well. Shes hot (way hotter than I am), sex is amazing and frequent, and is honestly awesome to hang out with. When we go out often and we both drink pretty heavily, get hammered, and usually have a great time even if it’s just the two of us, but if she gets too drunk, she flips when we get back home. Like Doctor Jekyll; Mr. Hyde. Just becomes crazy irrational and emotional and fights with me about the most insane things.

So this particular night, 2 months ago, there was a fight in the bar we were in and we got separated by the fight. She was not hit at all, so I thought nothing of it as we stayed out for a few more hours and was a good night, but when we got home, the water works start flowing. Yelling at me that I didn’t “protect her and she could have been really hurt.” I just start laughing at her because it was obviously completely ridiculous. Let me tell you, what a mistake that was. That just made her worse. She went berserk on me. Worse than I have ever seen before. Trying to slap and punch me. I’m blocking all her attempts to hit me, but still laughing hysterically. It eventually needed to stop, since it was late and I wanted to go sleep, so I bear hug her to stop her tantrum (A technique I learned while becoming a teacher to deal with emotionally disturbed special education children; Clearly works great for crazy gf’s too). And she just starts biting at me, like a rabid animal would. Missed most of the time, but then she connected on my chest and bit HARD. Broke the skin, blood stats gushing everywhere. So I let her go and rush to bathroom to clean myself up. She comes too and realizes what she has done and starts crying and apologizing because she sees me with blood running down my body. I bandage myself and go to bed without another word.

I tease her about it when we wake up the next morning and she feels bad and apologizes to me with sex, but after a few days, she said that is enough and I’m not allowed to bring it up anymore. The left side of my chest was bruised and the bite mark scabbed over, but eventually it healed and I have a clear bit mark scar (pics attached; not great quality) that its very visible when I have my shirt off and have gotten asked about it by a number of people. Lied about what it was from, of course. I still bring it up with her every once in a while, but she gets mad at me and says that I shouldn’t talk about it anymore. She has had a few more nights of insane fights, a few times when she tries to hit me, but mostly we are doing fine.

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I have 2 questions. Am I crazy for still being with this girl? And shouldn’t I still be allowed to bring this up that she tried to eat me whenever I want and guilt her into doing things I want?

A Battered, Bitten Boyfriend,
Chris

Chris, my friend, you’ve come to the right place. Because me and many, many, many of the other dudes who read this site have been in this spot. Maybe not something as drastic as getting their chest bitten and flesh torn, but we’ve all dealt with the irrational drunk angry girlfriend. This situation breaks down into three segments. 1) The events leading up to the bite, 2) the Bite, and 3) The aftermath. We begin with the events leading up to it:

1. The Events Leading Up To The Bite

This statement right here:

When we go out often and we both drink pretty heavily, get hammered, and usually have a great time even if it’s just the two of us, but if she gets too drunk, she flips when we get back home. Like Doctor Jekyll; Mr. Hyde. Just becomes crazy irrational and emotional and fights with me about the most insane things.

Is probably the most important words that have ever been written down. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve found myself in this situation. The entire night is perfectly awesome. Like you said, even if its just the two of you. Having drinks, doing shots, everything is great. And then they reach a tipping point and whatever dumb ass, deep seated issue they have festering in their stupid emotional brains finally spills out. They say a drunk mind speaks and sober heart, and at any given moment, your girlfriend’s sober heart secretly hates you for something that you did. Could be something from 5 days ago, could be something from 5 years ago. Doesnt matter. When they get drunk they lose all control of their emotions and that issue comes to the surface. Its completely ridiculous, and quite frankly unacceptable, but there’s no stopping it. Its a Force of Nature. We must deal with this.

Now in this specific situation, its OUTRAGEOUS that Chris has to deal with this. His girl getting upset that he didn’t protect her during a bar brawl is nuts. As long as she’s safe and didnt get hurt thats all that matters. This chick freaking out because you weren’t fucking George McFly throwing punches at Biff Tannen is completely unreasonable. This aint the movies babe. Nobody is stepping into the ring to find for your honor and shit. Sure, I can understand that she wants her man to maybe grab her and step in front of her or something, but to throw a tantrum over it is absurd. Again though, you have to accept that this is coming. Dealing with your girlfriend is like dealing with the waves in the ocean. Sometimes you go up and over the wave i.e. you can make her see that shes being silly. Sometimes the wave is too big and you have to hold your breath, go under, and go right through the wave i.e. just apologize and make her happy. But either way, the wave is coming. If you want to be in the ocean, there are gonna be constant waves.

2. The Bite

The first mistake Chris made was laughing at her. Laughing at a chick’s tantrum or calling her crazy is like putting 1 billion gallons of fuel into a burning barrel of dynamite. It takes every ounce of self restraint because it is laughable how outlandish they can be, but you gotta do it. Otherwise it turns to pure rage.

And once it turns to rage, theres no stopping it. This statement:

It eventually needed to stop, since it was late and I wanted to go sleep, so I bear hug her to stop her tantrum (A technique I learned while becoming a teacher to deal with emotionally disturbed special education children; Clearly works great for crazy gf’s too).

Sounds like a good idea. Its not. I’ve done it before too. You think a hug and a shake will snap them out of this insanity. It wont. Thats like hugging a porcupine or a rabid wolverine. You are putting yourself in danger of physical abuse. Now obviously the physical abuse is a complete double standard. Chicks can slap you and claw you and hit you and nothing comes of it. You hit a girl you’re going to jail. It completely sucks, but its another reality you simply have to accept. She WILL strike you if you try the bear hug in that state. You need to keep your distance and just ride this bullshit out for as long as it takes.

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Now, the actual bite is some major psycho shit. Ive been pushed, I’ve been slapped, I’ve had things thrown at me. Never been bitten. Chris, not gonna lie, thats a bit worrisome. Thats some animalistic, primal hate. I dont know if I’d bit my worst enemy, let alone my spouse. Blood pouring from your chest and flesh in her teeth is some shit that has probably crossed a line.

3. The aftermath

So Chris teases her about it the next morning. Why? Because hes a dude. Hes a guy who A) Is rational and despite the fact his girlfriend went totally berserk, he realizes it was a drunk mistake and we’ve all done dumb drunk shit, and 2) He now lives with this chick and unless he’s just going to end this relationship, theres nowhere to run. The sooner this is swept under the rug, the better and easier his life is for him. Both 1) and 2) are totally reasonable to think. But heres the thing – you HAVE TO CASH IN ON THESE MOMENTS. When I first started relationships I said shit to myself like “well, I wouldnt want her holding something like this over my head, so I’m not gonna do it to her.” FUCK THAT. Chicks will always hold everything over your head, and while you’d like to be a cool boyfriend and a man of principal, you need to fight fire with fire. Your girlfriend will stash every single piece of ammo possible in her brain for eternity. I dont know how they do it. Its like how a chipmunk can git tons and tons of food in their cheeks. Thats chicks’ memories when it comes to your screw ups. They remember them all and they use them all against you.

So this is your one chance to MAJORLY cash in. Youve got the trump card bro. You’ve got literal scars to show for it. People ask you about your physically maimed body. You should never, ever, ever stop bringing this up. Maybe pick and choose your spots. Use it wisely. But never let it die. I mean just think if the roles were reversed. It goes back to what I said in the beginning – legit every time you ever got drunk again she would bring up how you bit her and broke the skin. Relationships are all about power and the upper hand. You gotta hold this against her in order to survive the every day onslaught of the things she doesnt like about you and maintain power.

To answer your questions, no, I dont think youre crazy for still being with her. Like you said shes hot and the sex is good and the majority of the time things are fine. Assuming we’re gonna buy into the lie that is monogamy, I think thats enough for any man to stick around. All chicks are some level of crazy and after hearing stories like this and tales from Feits and my own personal experience, I’ve realized this shit is really relatively common. And 2) definitely guilt her for it, like I said. She has some damn nerve telling you that you cant bring it up anymore. Like hey babe you attacked me like your teeth. You ripped through my flesh. The statute of limitations on that one is at least like 10 years. Youve got a Golden Ticket now, use it.