The Best Villains In Sports

#DeflateGate has been the biggest Barstool story in months. Pats fans have seemingly discarded their “Patriot Way” high-horse stance and turned full heel in the NFL. And I love it. I think it makes the Super Bowl ten times better when both teams are completely hateable. It makes you dig in your heels for whichever side you’re rooting for that much more, and care about things like logic, reason, and perspective that much less. There will be no neutral parties come February 1st, and whichever side loses might actually commit Boy Scout Suicide as a fanbase. But who are the other heels in Sports? Who similarly can ignite the sports universe into picking sides like this? The Villains? Here were my picks…

NFL

The Contenders

• Richard Sherman: The biggest trash talker in the sports universe right now, and one of it’s most polarizing figures. He’ll call himself the best before the game, get an interception during the game, and then scream about it in a reporter’s face after the game. His Erin Andrews interview after the NFC Championship Game was one of the most memorable moments in sports last year.

• Johnny Manziel: Johnny parlayed his college football notoriety into professional revulsion better than anyone since Brian Bosworth. Flipping off a player during a televised preseason game with 100 cameras trained on him was one of the dumbest and most delightful fuck-you moves I’ve ever seen. Partying two days before a game when the season is three days from being over is a pretty good summation of Johnny Football.

• Ndamukong Suh: Probably the dirtiest player in the NFL. The ultimate love-him-if-he’s-with-you but hate-him-if-he’s-against-you guy. Will stomp on you, kick dirt in your face, snarl, and then deny the entire thing happened afterwards. Old-school player in this soft 21st century world we live in.

• Adrian Peterson/Ray Rice: Threw the NFL into tumult and are probably two of the most reviled real-life figures, not just sports figures, in America right now. There’s nothing really fun about these two, it’s just a fucked-up and sad situation so let’s move on.

• Bill Belichick: The Dark Lord of the NFL. Football’s Darth Vader. He’ll do whatever it takes to win, and he wins more than anybody. Does not care what the fans, the media, other teams, or the league thinks of him. “Just win Baby” is an Al Davis quote, but no one fits that mantra better than Bill right now.

And The Winner Is…

Who else? #DeflateGate put him over the top. Every single football fan in America outside the area from Maine to Northern Connecticut hates this guy with a passion, but all would give up their first-born child for him to coach their team. As long as he’s patrolling NFL sidelines in his stupid sweatshirt with his stupid jowls, he is the preeminent villain of the NFL.

College Football

The Contenders

• Nick Saban: The Bill Belichick of College Football. Saban is Belichick. Belichick is Saban. Saban should walk out to the field of Bryant-Denny with “The Imperial March” playing in the background. He dominates the sport at the highest level, rules the city of Tuscaloosa with an iron fist, and lords over the best conference in college football like a despot.

• Urban Meyer: Pretends like he does things “the right way” and drones on about how proud he is of running clean programs. In reality, he probably has coached more felons per team than anyone since he’s left Utah. What makes him most hateable though, is his incredible level of success.

• Penn State fans: Always were considered annoying, but since the Sandusky scandal and the subsequent apologetic defensiveness on behalf of the Paterno family, have zoomed past Patriots/Yankees/Lakers/Canadiens fans as the most hated fanbase in sports. Which is pretty impressive considering their fairly underwhelming success over the past 15 years and them coming up on 30 years without a National Championship. No one is hated more while winning less than a Nittany Lion.

• The NCAA Itself: Sells the television rights to the playoff of an “amateur sport” for over half a billion dollars per year. I’ll just let South Park explain things 10x better than I ever could.

• Lane Kiffin: Quite simply, the most hated man in College Football. Alabama fans, Tennessee fans, USC fans, everyone hates him. For chrissakes, the 2014 Alabama offense was statistically the BEST IN SCHOOL HISTORY,  with a first-year QB no less, and people still called for his job after losing to Ohio State. By the way, what does it say about Alabama that they have two of the five on this list?

And The Winner Is…

Has to be the NCAA. There is literally nothing Mark Emmert can do that won’t be met with outrage. Take last weeks Penn State decision to restore Paterno’s win record. If he doesn’t make it, he’s an overreaching tyrant who does as he damn well pleases with no regard for his own by-laws and rules. If he does make it, he’s soft on a man who protected a serial pedophile and is reinforcing a culture of hero worship, limited oversight, and a non-exsistent moral compass. He can do no right. (By the way, if Jameis was still at FSU, he’d give him a run for his money).

NBA

The Contenders

• Lebron James: Probably the most polarizing person in sports, which is pretty incredible considering he has spent his life since high school doing an impression of a Nike PR-agent programmed robot. Has to be the most hated athlete to never have any off-the-field issues or allegations of committing a crime. I’m still convinced most of that is the product of being the biggest sports star on the planet in the debate-centric sports world we live in now, and not anything actually in his direct control, but the fact still remains.

• Dwyane Wade: Because he dresses like a dickhead and tried to give himself the nickname “3”.

• James Dolan: More hated amongst his fans than any owner ever this side of Donald Sterling. Single-handedly has ruined professional basketball for an entire generation of kids in an area soaked in hoops tradition. Still makes money hand-over-first though, and if that wasn’t enough, is a trust-fund baby who owns one of the most hated corporations in America. As a Rangers fan, I thank Christ every night before I go to sleep that he has no interest in hockey.

• Kevin Garnett: Bites. Headbutts. Throws elbows. Makes fun of Tim Duncan’s dead mother on Mother’s Day. Tells you your wife tastes like breakfast cereal. Compares himself to a solider then refuses to throw a punch when it comes time to scrap. FUCK Kevin Garnett.

• Kobe: Kobe does not give a single fuck if the media, his teammates, his coaches, his owners, team management, you, your friends, or your parents like him. No one is more openly obsessed with his own legacy.

And the Winner Is…

Which is pretty boring considering he went back to Cleveland and everyone decided to like him again. This is why I have always said that the Big 3 was the best thing to ever happen to the NBA. It made the sport about a billion times more interesting. Watching Steph Curry is the most compelling part of the NBA right now, which is infinitely less exciting than rooting against the Heat all year.

College Basketball

The Contenders

• Coach K: Coach K is Duke. And Duke is the most pretentious, high-horse, snobby, arrogant, punchable, shit-eating, self-absorbed, self-important, masturbatory fanbase in all of sports. He also looks like Hitler in that haircut and refuses to get a different one.

• John Calipari: Gives no fucks about NCAA rules. Has made a living basically mocking the entire college basketball system, and has been the most successful program of the past 5 or so years doing so. He carries recruiting violations everywhere he goes like a disease, and leaves the second the chickens come home to roost for them. By the time he retires, he will be the all-time leader in vacated postseason wins.

And The Winner Is…

As long as Kentucky remains on top of the sport, it’s Cal. If they complete the 40-0 season and become the greatest team ever, he cements his status as the GOAT of coaching villains.

NHL

The Contenders

• PK Subban: As infuriating as he is talented. PK Subban will sacktap you with his stick, throw an elbow into your side when you’re on the boards, then take the puck the length of the ice and score. He gets every call, complains to the refs, gets away with murder on the ice, and the media fondles him on a nightly basis. In short, he is the epitome of the Montreal Canadien franchise and everything that makes people despise them.

• Daniel Carcillo: The Car Bomb. I remember when Carcillo tried to pick a fight in the last 2 minutes of his first game as a Ranger. His first fucking game. Just got suspended for one of the most blatant cheap shots of the season so far. I love Carcillo and find him hilarious, but no denying he is a meatball through and through.

• Patrick Kane: I always thought the NHL marketing department fucked up by not promoting him more as the Bad Boy of the NHL. Patrick Kane would be Johnny Manziel if hockey were more popular in America. I absolutely love him, but a lot of people don’t so he had to be on the list.

• Sidney Crosby: Hated everywhere except Western Pennsylvania. A crybaby diver who needs every call or he’ll stomp his feet. Questionable locker room leadership and an extremely punchable face. He’s everything that makes Shawn Thornton awesome, except the exact opposite.

• Alexander Ovechkin: Fucking Russians.

And The Winner Is…

The fact he comes up in big games and clutch moments as well as he does is just so goddamn infuriating if you root against him. At times, he’s so good it’s hard to dislike him, but then he plays YOUR team and you remember why you hate him deep down in your soul in places you don’t talk about at parties. Admittedly, I’d give my left nut for him to be a Ranger.

MLB

The Contenders

• Alex Rodriguez: EVERYONE hates this guy. If you aren’t a Yankee fan, you think he’s a disgrace to baseball. Even then, only  a small faction of Yankees fans like him (that faction is led by JJ and Mike Francesa). ARod took the Yankees on his back for their 28th World Series, and he isn’t loved even 1% as much as a guy like Jorge fucking Posada. He also pees on his cousins floor, which is incredible.

• Bryce Harper: The most electric guy in baseball. The biggest hardo in professional sports. Openly contemptuous of anyone who isn’t as ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ALL DAY EVERYDAY ALL THE DAMN TIME as he is. He’s basically Jim Harbaugh with a bat and more obnoxious haircut.

• Scott Boras: A shark who makes Ari Gold look like Michael Scott. An agent so powerful, he became a household name for fans of the sport. A guy who some say ruined baseball, all with a cellphone and a negotiating table. Superstar players come and go, but there will never be another Scott Boras.

• Yaisel Puig: Fulfills every cocky/hot-tempered/arrogant Hispanic stereotype that makes old white sportswriters break their typewriters in anger. Has superhuman strength but still runs the bases like he watched his first game yesterday. If you are one of those loser “purists” he is your least favorite player. If you’re a normal fan who isn’t racist, you love him.

• Steinbrenner Kids: Cannot hold a candle to their father, but the Yankees are still the Evil Empire, lack of postseasons be damned, and the Steinbrenners are still captains of that ship, so this is their obligatory spot.

And The Winner Is…

This is really more of a prediction pick than the reality of things. I am desperately hoping that this is the year where ARod embraces being the heel of the MLB and stops begging for people to like him. Because if he does that, make no mistake about it, it will be awesome for everyone.

And finally…

Barstool Sports

The Contenders

• KFC: The Sultan of Spite. The Czar of Resentment. The King of Acrimony. KFC has more hate in one finger than most of us could feel in a thousand lifetimes. Sure, we all go through periods of sports depression from time to time, but usually there is always a light at the end of the tunnel or occasional spot of sunshine.  KFC is a Mets/Jets/Knicks fan. Like Bane versus Batman, we all have adopted the darkness one time or another. But he was born into it.

• El Presidente: No explanation needed. The George Steinbrenner of Barstool. He owns horses, he says protestors deserve to be murdered, he picks fights with every corner of the Internet, he rips on his own bloggers, he makes Hank wear t-shirts with his face on them. Twitter eggs, Size 6 skinny jeans, the Boston troll blogs, the gloating Rundowns. From “By The Common Man, For The Common Man” to owning horses and vacationing in Nantucket with his good friend Bill Belichick, he is the blogging Heisenberg.

• Trent: Just kidding. Literally nobody dislikes Trent. Seriously, who doesn’t love Big Daddy? I’ve never hung out him in real life, but if I saw someone talk shit about him, there is a good chance I’d fight them.

• Banks: Singlehandedly went to war against the entire city of Boston for a solid week. Passionately roots for the Ravens, which is probably the most hated franchise in the NFL. Unapologetically loves Baltimore and unironically calls it “Charm City”.  Has blogger-balls in spades.

• Hank: Parties with the Gronks, his 21st birthday party was the must-go social event of the summer in Boston, is going to be ripped within a few weeks thanks to the One Man Thrill Ride, and has his entire 20’s in front of him with Barstool notoriety. Hank is the Johnny Manziel of Barstool. Any one of us would trade our lives for Hanks. As he would put it, his lifestyle is a few notches above the rest of ours right now.

And The Winner Is

Probably not the pick most of you were expecting. But here’s the thing about Clancy. Pres and Banks are shameless homers. But they’re shameless homers for their own cities. Dave really loves Boston. Banks somehow thinks Baltimore is the best city to live in in America (?). No one spends more time ripping New York than Clancy. He rails on the two most popular teams in his own city, the Giants and the Yankees. He cockslaps Rangers fans on twitter after losing to the Isles in MSG, even though they have done NOTHING to him except line his pockets with T-Shirt/Saloon Events/Pageviews money. He is the most spiteful man not just in Barstool, but on the Internet. Which is why he’s hilarious. He may not be  the villain that Barstool deserves, but he is the villain that Barstool needs.

Did I make the right picks? Let me know who I left out and who your biggest villain is on twitter @CharlieWisco