Mark Zuckerberg Reportedly Has Interns Blow-Dry His Armpits Before Big Speeches

NY POST — It’s not one of Facebook’s better perks.

Communications employees at the social network routinely blow-dry CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s armpits before big speeches, a new book claims.

I fucking love Mark Zuckerberg. It's why I don't care that much every time I learn some new detail of just how exactly he's stealing my brain and selling my life to data miners and spying on me masturbating. I look past all that because the guy just has this way of making me feel so fucking GOOD about myself! 

Like yeah, I'm a little insecure. There are some things I'd like to change about myself, some physical features, some quirks. But overall, on the whole I'm relatively comfortable with myself and who I am. You know, I manage. 

And then I see this guy and the constant anxiety and insecurity he lives with on a daily basis, and I feel even better. More money than God, billions stacked on top of billions, the brain of a supercomputer, the ability to retire whenever he wants and live comfortably and happily wherever he chooses...

This living, breathing cyborg boy-genius who makes more money a day than I will ever see in my life before climbing into his hydroponic chamber and plugging himself in to recharge for the next day...

...This guy gets insecure about sweaty pits in a grey t-shirt. 

The 35-year-old wants to look cool and dry instead of sweaty and nervous, and has assistants make sure his famous grey t-shirts are immaculate before he takes the stage at public events, according to the report.

This guy has a team staging all his photos so he doesn't look 5'7" in pictures.

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This guy codes computer programs from scratch to get revenge on little girls who beat him in Scrabble.

This guy sits in a motherfucking BOOSTER SEAT in Congress.

Look how cute!!

So yeah, like I said, I've got my issues. But until I hire a team of interns to personally blow dry my underarms before I go out in public…I'm good fam.