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Who Would Be Your Starting Lineup For A Hockey Team Of Former US Presidents?

It's Presidents Day, I'm bored, and there's really not much else to talk about today. So how about we just throw a wild hypothetical out there that clearly doesn't have any real legitimate answers but would be fun to argue about anyway. Isn't that what the internet was invented for? 

So my question to you is that if you had a hockey team with a roster full of former US Presidents, who would be your starting 5? I'll go first. 


Abe Lincoln

This was a pretty easy selection. Not only does Lincoln have the height, but his nickname is "Honest Abe" which means that he plays an honest game. I need my #1 defenseman to be out there playing at least 25 minutes per night. I can't risk sending a guy out there who is going to be racking up the PIMs every night and spend most of the game in the box. But yeah, length is a serious weapon for Abe here. He's a less ugly Chara out there. 

Dwight Eisenhower

You need a guy who is going to be the war general out there, which is quite literally Dwight Eisenhower. Honestly I think I'd slap the C on his sweater. He might not be the best guy in the lineup but he's for sure the leader of this team. He's a guy who you know exactly what level of heart and effort he gives you every time he touches the ice. And if he thinks that someone takes a run at one of his guys, he's not afraid to feed you fist after fist after fist. 


Right Wing - Andrew Jackson

Andrew Jackson probably never played hockey in his life but if he did? Buddy,,,,,,he'd be putting up 50-goal seasons on the regular. I mean just look at that head of lettuce he was working with. It has great volume, it's got the waves, you know it would be dripping with sex flowing out of the back of his bucket. Andrew Jackson was born to be a hockey player. We're talking 64G, 45A on a bad year. You don't look that good and not have the saucy mitts to follow. 

Center - Teddy Roosevelt

You have to add some grit and toughness to the lineup up front and Teddy Roosevelt gives that to you in spades. There's not a single battle in the corner that Teddy doesn't come out of without the puck. He's going to finish all of his checks. He's going to backcheck his ass off. And you know for a fact that this man is carrying an absolute rocket of a clapper. Set him up in the Ovi Office on the powerplay and he's ripping through at least 2 nets every game. He's going to fight, he's going to grind, he's going to score, he's going to do a little bit of everything for you. And most importantly, he's an enforcer. You think anybody on the other team is going to try to pull anything greasy if they know they have to answer the bell when Teddy Roosevelt comes knocking? For sure not. 

Left Wing - Gerald Ford

I'm not entirely sure how this one would work out but Gerald Ford is the best athlete we have. So even if he's not great on skates, at the very least he can just park his ass in front of the net and nobody is going to be able to move him. He could be a 30-goal scorer in the league and at least 27 of those would be tap-in's on the doorstep. Doesn't matter. 30 goals is 30 goals. Plus he went to Michigan so maybe he could get a few lessons from Mike Legg in the offseason. 


Grover Cleveland

Am I just throwing the fat guy in net because that's the easiest answer and also it would be a hilarious visual? You're goddamn right I am. 

You were born to be hockey players. Each and every one of ya. This is your time. Now go out there and take it.