Fantasy Island: This Movie STINKS

Jeff D Lowe2/17/2020 6:23 PM

What the fuck were they thinking with this movie? Based on the television series from the 1970s and 1980s...

This movie does not feature Ricardo Montalbán and Hervé Villechaize, it honestly doesn't feature much at all! Let's discuss...

The enigmatic Mr Roarke makes the secret dreams of his lucky guests come true at a luxurious but remote tropical resort, but when the fantasies turn into nightmares, the guests have to solve the island's mystery in order to escape with their lives.

Jeff D Lowe (00/100): Squandering an intriguing premise and setting, 'Fantasy Island' is a lifeless mess with zero redeeming qualities. Blumhouse's newest movie has absolutely no idea what it wants to be and its only real identity is the label of "year's worst movie."

I am going to do things a little differently today with this review. Instead of the normal paragraph format, I am going to list all of my grievances with this movie:
- All the characters were hateable and dull
-- Either poor acting or completely miscast roles
- Total waste of a gorgeous beach/island setting
-- Not one vibrant, eye-popping memorable shot
-- Why not take advantage of the unique setting for a horror-comedy?
-- 'Midsommar' used daylight to its horror advantage, this movie did not
- All attempts at humor fall completely flat
-- The movie couldn't figure out its desired genre
-- This can be okay at times, but it never did a good job at any of them
- Zero actual scary or tense horror moments
- Sets up a sequel no one wants
-- Stop setting up future movies before making one good one
-- Also an existing property that I wouldn't call overly "desirable"
- The weakest possible story considering the property it is based on
-- Devoid of any fun moments or risks
-- Every cliche and overused trope in the book pops up
-- The story is convoluted and confusing with no interesting pay-off
- Flat, boring, bland and a total fucking mess

In the least shocking news of the year for movies, the same folks that brought you 'Truth or Dare' in 2018 were behind 'Fantasy Island'. Did I expect this movie to be any good? Not really, I knew what to expect… but the thing is, this movie soared far below my low expectations. This is a great example of an unoriginal, lazy idea in Hollywood that serves no purpose other than to make money. I know this is the Blumhouse model, low-budget movies that turn a quick profit, but I expect something even slightly better than this crap from a fairly solid studio with multiple Oscars nominations and wins.

KenJac (05/100): Just like I prelude all of my reviews on shitty horror movies, I’ll prelude this one. 95% of horror movies are trash, but the 5% are always amazing. This movie not only falls in the 95%, but it’s in the bottom barrel of that grouping. It’s an utter nonsense film scripted around what? The brand power of a TV show that ended in 1984?

I really don’t blame anyone in the cast for how this turned out. I just wish Lucy Hale’s agent would, you know, stop. Stop letting her be in this trashy horror films and get her into one where she can showcase her talents for god's sake. Also, Jimmy O. Yang, you’re still a king in my eyes. I think this movie just tried to keep a base of horror while mixing in a bunch of other genres, and it just didn’t work. My biggest gripe and I assume most people's biggest gripe, is the ending. I don’t think I’ve been so mad at a movie before.

I’m tossing this failure into the defect batch. BOO!

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This is movie is Officially Not Buttered despite us waiting on the final score from Trillballins. You can hear our full review of the movie on next week's upcoming Lights Camera Barstool. Make sure to rate all 2020 and 2019 movies on a scale of 0-100 in the links below…

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