A Much Needed Update of City Seals

The city seal is an often forgotten asset to every hometown across America. It doesn't matter if you live in the quaint Quaint Acres, Maryland, or the ever busy corner of Busy Corner, Mississippi, the one thing that brings all cities, villages, and townships together is a seal. It proves your home is legitimate, real, and professional. Unfortunately, most seals are created and immediately forgotten about, left hung on courthouse podiums and small town mayors letterheads to collect dust. I’ve decided to take this problem into my own hands, and update some of the most dated, most neglected seals.

Cincinnati, Ohio

Within a frame encrusted with dry oyster crackers, standing alone (because it’s Cincinnati's only “impact” culturally), a piping hot plate of al-dente spaghetti greets you, smothered with chili, whose meat has coincidentally the same grade as the last 25 years of Bengals drafts, and a mountain of hunter orange “cheese” colder than a $15 single scoop of Graeter's.

Los Angeles, California

There have actually been no changes to this. If there were any edits I would tell you.

Chicago, Illinois

Replacing the bundle of wheat with the city’s most popular food, a 20mg Lipitor, the new Chicago seal has also updated Lake Michigan to a more accurate shade, and the boat (adorned with a Chicago Bears logo and number 10) is now heading in the opposite direction, because that ship has sailed. Although the average temperature is in the single digits, the edges feature heavy, inexplicable, sweat stains that probably appeared after walking up 1-2 flights of stairs, or going to check the mailbox. The seal is also deep dish now.

Sarasota, Florida

The retirement home capital of the world, Sarasota is not appealing to their target audience with their current seal. The updated version now accommodates with large print, and rather than the Sarasota County courthouse being the focal point, it’s now the ultra-sleek 2020 BreatheRite SmoothRoller 820 portable oxygen tank.

Tewksbury, Massachusetts

Upon first glance, one may miss the subtle edits to the seal of Tewksbury, but after a closer look, the changes will be brought to light. The mysterious horseman has an updated wardrobe to include a very crisp, never bent, Red Socks cap, a pair of platinum white polarized Oakley Gascans, a razor thin, amber chinstrap, and an daily worn, Narragansett stained, ‘06 Memorial High JV football letterman.

Dothan, Alabama

This one just links to the National Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome prevention page.

Salt Lake City, Utah

Salt Lake City’s seal required little change. There are now a few seals all hitched to the same main seal.

Keyport, NJ

They were so close with the original iteration. But rather than a key to represent the small borough, they need to switch it to the single best selling item that keeps every store, boutique, emporium, and market open. The tender, glowing ember of the Newport 100 will encapsulate the kind, warm, wheezy embrace of Keyport citizens.

Casper, Wyoming

As appropriate as the current hand drawn seal may be (technology has yet to arrive to Wyoming), it is far more applicable to just have nothing instead.