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Chinese Fella Threatens To Burn Himself Alive If He's Not Allowed To Have A Birthday Party Due To The Coronavirus Restrictions

BEIJING (Reuters) - Prosecutors in China have brought criminal charges against a 59-year-old man who strapped on firecrackers and doused himself with gasoline to defy a ban on public gatherings during a coronavirus epidemic, the Xinhua news agency said.

The resident of the southwestern city of Chongqing planned a birthday banquet for more than ten tables of guests on Jan. 28, the state-run agency said on Wednesday, but local officials battling the outbreak asked him to cancel the plan.

But on Jan. 26, after the man failed to convince them to let the party go ahead, he wrapped firecrackers round his waist, poured gasoline on his chest and held up a lighter, trying to threaten them into agreeing.

Gotta feel for this fella. Sure, he took it to a new level with the fireworks and whathaveyou, but you gotta understand where he was coming from. I'm not yet 59 so I'm not about to turn 60. If I was, you better believe I would be having a fucking bash. A global epidemic rolls into town causing the military to shut off access to a city and urban center that has 21 million people so that is supposed to mean that I cant have a fucking birthday party? Fuck you, government. I've lived for 60 damn years. This is my day whether or not people's brains are melting. People are gathering. They are eating cake. We are gonna laugh and laugh until various types of fluids come from our noses and no. It's not gonna be blood, you dick. It'll be like Pepsi or somethin. 

When an outbreak like this happens, we often dont think of the consequences. We dont think of the weddings that were planned for months. We dont think about the birthday parties. We don't think about if China's Barstool might be having their golf tournament. Imagine that. Imagine Chinese Riggs disappointed because Chinese Foreplay's big yearly event was canceled. The logistics that have to be adjusted are unimaginable. Will they be able to book Chinese Pinehurst again? Try. Try right now. Try right now to adjust the logistics of 21 million people in your head without using a computer. Can't do it, can you? I knew it. Impossible. Now imagine trying to do that same math and notifying 10 tables worth of folks that your 60th birthday party that they've been looking forward to for months is canceled. Just once. Just once during this crisis, you wanted to strap on a pointed birthday hat instead of a medical mask and play a little cornhole with your friends. Can't do that, though. Coronavirus ruins fucking everything. 

That being said, I'm issuing my first ever medical and science decree. 

To the Global Medical and Science community: FIGURE THIS SHIT THE FUCK OUT! 

PS. Some of the evacuees from China landed in San Antonio this week. I was at the doctor's office yesterday and drove by the camps/hotels where these people are staying. It looks miserable. The only part that was good was that all the porta-potties appeared to be brand spankin new. If you are gonna use a porta-potty, a new one is ideal. These were still wrapped in plastic. The people looked like they were hating their lives. So, while I joke, hopefully, a cure is found soon. Duh. Everyone wants that just like everyone wants a 60th birthday party. No matter what, putting gas and fireworks on yourself doesn't help anyone. Keep that in mind while the world loses theirs. 

PSS. The Chinese military is on the case. I doubt they know what they are doing. We talked about that this week.