The Fighting Illini Just Crushed My Soul Into A Zillion Pieces

First off whoever writes these captions for barstool bets fucking sucks. idk how you got a job around here. I spent 6 years writing free blogs and grinding out my craft. Imagine my disgust reading through every pile of steaming shit that comes from whoever runs that account. Get a sense of fucking humor for chrissakes and stop reading off the AP bylines. 

Next order of business, what a loss. 

Not to get all hyperbolic, which is a fancier way of saying "exaggerate"... I think we can safely agree that this is the worst regular season loss I've witnessed since Illinois lost at Ohio State in 2005. And yes, 17 year old Carl was in attendance talking shit to every mouth breathing buckeye fan in earshot. On the subject of being salty, all those toothless hillbillies can lick the stink off my sack. If I'm burning shit to the ground in wake of this loss, you Columbus Ohio jagoffs are coming with me. 

Next order of business = Ayo's knee. 

Looked like Chief's flip phone as time expired. Someone explain to me why we huddle up the timeouts on the middle of the court again?

Answer: you can't. 

Just more evidence of a bullshit night in the pantheon of bullshit sporting experiences that have been force fed down my goddamn throat since joining barstool full time. No joke there's witchcraft surrounding this company and I'll get to the bottom of it. First things first though gotta get familiar with witchcraft. 

Alexa dial up some mid 90's Neve Campbell.

Daddy needs a drink.