Dana Is Making Me Feel Like A Puss Puss But This Needs To Be Said: I'M A SLOW SIPPER AND THATS OK

If you pay attention to Barstool at all, you know that Dana is going on an absolute heater. He's drinking and smoking in the shower. That's next level deleting a zillion beers type of stuff. He's young. His brain can handle it, I think. He's selling shirts and has the right to talk about a Zillion Beers until the end of time. That's much more valuable than 10k. 

That being said, the way that he drinks these beers makes me feel inferior. I've seen lots of my content partners here crush beers. From Kate to Big Ev. From Dana to Pat McAfee. From KenJac to Fiets. From Gaz to PFT. From that one guy in China to Donnie. People can crush beers. You know who cant? Me. 

I stink at drinking beer fast. I can't even drink water quickly. I think it's because I have an underbite. My underbite won't allow me to release my jaw like a snake and suck down a barley hop in just a matter of seconds. I can't do it. I know I cant do it. I'm 37 years old and I have never and will never win a chugging contest. For years I avoided parties where beer bongs and funnels were going to be present and it's not because "I wasn't invited." Trust me. I was invited. I'm very cool. I was just terrified that my slow sipping nature would cause me great shame to my many, countless friends. 

Keep in mind that I'm a Marine. I should be able to drink with the best of them. After all, heavy boozing is a hallmark of our beloved Corps. The truth of the matter is, I can't. Once at a wedding, I tried to do a keg stand. I got heartburn! I hated it. People laughed and snickered at my poor effort so I vowed there and then that I would never attempt such a thing again. My shirt was ruined because I did a little spit up on it. Not puke. Spit up. There's a big difference, you dick. 

I've hidden this fact about myself for a long ass time. Why? Am I pussy because I can't drink fast? Maybe. But that's ok. There are probably dozens of other MEN and WOMEN in this world who just enjoy deleting a zillion beers by slowly sipping on them whilst having a mild-mannered conversation with their friends. That's what I like to do. Slow sip. I get very bloated very quickly and that's not how I want to spend my Friday or Saturday. I want to spend my weekend with a cold beer in my hand that takes me about 12 minutes to drink. One beer per 12 minutes. Everybody knows the rules. Whether you're a fast drinker or a slow sipper like me, you're ok in my book. Dont be shamed by this society that shames people like us and Aaron Rodgers. We all have skills. Some of us just dont have that one skill that looks really cool on the internet. That's ok. That's ok. 

That being said, the shirts are great and I bought some. Just dont try to make me chug if you see me wearing it because I'll flat out refuse. 

DISCLAIMER: Slow sipping has not been endorsed by Dana and is in no way officially affiliated with his Zillion Beers brand. If I caused embarrassment to that brand, I recant and will not wear Zillion Beers merch while slow sipping at a medium pace.