Could Pardon My Take's Olympic Handball Team Win Gold?
We are less than a week removed from the Super Bowl, and the hottest debate topic on the country's No. 1 sports podcast is...
HANDBALL?!
That's right. Let's set the scene: Former Commodore/Bear/Bronco/Dolphin Jay Cutler hopped on the show last week to talk some shenanigans with Mr. Cat and Mr. Commenter. Among the topics: Handball. The trio discussed the sport and how they thought they could compile a team capable of being the best in the world... literally. Here's this quote from Cutler:
"I guarantee we could put a team together that can win gold." - Jay Cutler
Wow. Ballsy. But Cutler-ish, if you will. Fast forward to today's episode, when Mr. Cat, Mr. Commenter, and Hank attempted to put together that gold medal-caliber handball team. Here are the results:
Jay Cutler (C) (Age 36, 6-3, 231): The one who came up with this idea in the first place. This is Smokin' Jay's team, and he will proudly don the capital "C" on his jersey. Cutler threw for nearly 10,000 yards in college (while in the SEC) and eclipsed the 35,000 yard mark in the NFL, while darting home 227 career touchdowns. Any quarterback would ball out on the handball court, especially this man.
Phil Hughes (Age 33, 6-5, 240): What's deadlier than a NFL quarterback on the handball court? A MLB pitcher on the handball court. Phil Hughes' four-seam fastball has reached a consistent mark of 92-95 mph, while he has also relied on a spike curveball that has some nasty spin to it. Let's not forget that Phil Hughes is a former Yankee, too. He won a World Series in the Bronx. Pinstripes = earned. Gold medal = pending.
Sam Dekker (Age 24, 6-8, 219): What do you need on a team that wants to win a gold medal? Gold medal experience. And that's exactly what Sam Dekker brings to the table. The Wisconsin product was on the championship-winning USA team at the 2012 FIBA Americas U18 Championship in Brazil. Dekker was 35% from downtown in his career with the Badgers, and there is no doubting he'd be accurate on this court as well.
Blake Bortles (Age 27, 6-5, 236): Now we enter the portion of our roster that shows the true heart of this team: the Blake's. Bortles was within one game of reaching the Super Bowl just two years ago, and he is hungrier than ever to reach the peak of at least one sport. As he continues to work with friend of the program Jared Goff in the Rams QB room, why not make a run at gold in the Tokyo Games this summer as well?
Blake Griffin (Age 30, 6-9, 250): Size, size, size. That's what this Blake has to offer. A 2011 NBA Slam Dunk Contest champion, you won't be able to survive any defensive laziness on the court with Griffin around. He'll always have a few tricks up his sleeve. He's a former first overall pick and has dealt with high-pressure situations in the NBA. Olympic Handball? That's cake for him.
Blake Koepka (Age 29, 6-0, 205): This right here, folks, is the secret weapon of the team. The four-time major champion might not have the size that the rest of this squad has, but have you seen him drive the golf ball? The man can hit it a gazillion yards long with extreme accuracy. What's a 40 meter-long handball court have on the narrow fairways at Bethpage Black? Absolutely nothing.
Danny Woodhead (Age 35, 5-8, 204): As Mr. Commenter and other outlets once said, it's nice to have some "sneaky quick" assets on a team. Not only does Woodhead have tons of athleticism, but there is no doubting that he would absolutely thrive in this sport. Catch a pass from a teammate in the open field, he would approach a defender and go... WHOOP! Break the ankles of another... WHOOP! You get the point. Easy money.
Billy Football (Age 21, 6-4, 205): This guy may not have the professional experience that the rest of the roster has, but the youth he brings can go a long, long way in helping this team reach its ultimate goal. If one of the veterans needs a breather, you could automatically plug Billy in for a quick stint as a fresh set of legs. Remember, he is a collegiate quarterback as well.
BENCH: Mr. Cat, Mr. Commenter. They constructed this team, and at the very least, they deserve to be on the bench as the squad aims for a gold medal. This duo could easily get the crowd into it and be the heartbeat of bench celebrations throughout the competition. Air guitar, wild dance moves, whatever you need, these guys will provide.
COACH: Gary Busey. I'm picturing a mixture of Bill Belichick (the smarts) and Patches O'Houlihan (the antics). It would be mandatory to have a "Busey Cam" during each and every moment of this team's run in Tokyo, as there would certainly be some amazing opportunity for viral content with him roaming the sidelines. Get your popcorn ready.
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