A Christian Activist Is Planning To Sue The NFL Because The JLo and Shakira Halftime Show May Keep Him Out Of Heaven and Put His Soul In Danger Of Hellfire

RAW STORY ...according to Right Wing Watch, one Christian activist, Dave Daubenmire, is taking things even further. On his “Pass the Salt” podcast, Daubenmire said that he plans to sue the National Football League because the halftime show threatens to prevent him “from getting into the kingdom of Heaven.”

“I think we ought to sue,” said Daubenmire. “Would that halftime show, would that have been rated PG? Were there any warnings that your 12-year-old son—whose hormones are just starting to operate – was there any warning that what he was going to see might cause him to get sexually excited?”

“Could I go into a courtroom and say, ‘Viewing what you put on that screen put me in danger of hellfire’?” he continued. “Could the court say, ‘That doesn’t apply here because the right to [produce] porn overrides your right to [not] watch it’? Yeah, well, you didn’t tell me I was gonna watch it! You just brought it into my living room. You didn’t tell me there were gonna be crotch shots! That’s discriminatory against the value I have in my house. 

You can’t just do that. I wanna sue them for about $867 trillion.”

I'm sure all the godless heathens on this soulless, morally-bankrupt dumpster fire of a website will disagree, but look me in the eye and tell me Dave doesn't have a point. Tell me he's wrong. Did somebody ask him if they could bring porn into his living room? No they did not. Did anyone warn him there would be crotch shots? No they did not. Did they have any consideration whatsoever for the value he has in his house and/or the sanctity of his soul? They didn't. And NOBODY asked if it was OK to give his 12 year old son an erection and a sprained ankle from sprinting to his bedroom so fast to "lay down for a sec to pray or something." 

And yes, $867 trillion is a nice round number. A safe number. You don't want to go too high and make yourself look like a joke — you need to keep it realistic. A jury will never go for something bigger so you need to play to win. But, perfect world, the penalty would be MUCH higher. Nothing short of $Infinity, and even that doesn't even make things better in the end. Will money keep you safe from the eternal hellfire? Can you wrap yourself up in hundred-dollar bills for protection from the flames of the Devil? 

The Kingdom of Heaven is priceless. And Activist Dave and his hornball son will be burning in hell looking up at it for the rest of eternity thanks to Shakira and JLo and their glittery twerking buttcheeks.