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The 2020 Election is Off to an Epic Start

Let me start with the obligatory and very important disclaimer that I'm not taking sides. I can't even be trusted to run my own life, much less tell anybody which policies, candidates or party to support. I'm only the Vice President of my own house and serve at my President's discretion. I'm not here to endorse anything besides this. The Great American Experiment.

This is our democracy in action. The First in the Nation Caucus. The first pitch of Opening Day. And this morning nobody knows who won because supposedly they were using an app they can't get to work. There could hardly be a better microcosm for the entire goatfuck than a precinct captain being put on hold for an hour, only to get hung up on in the middle of a live TV interview. 

Bear in mind, this is 232 years after Washington was elected. Meaning we're on our 58th one of these things. And in that time we've evolved from white male landowners riding horses into town to write a name on a parchment and put it in a wooden box, all the way to phone calls, being put on hold, and people standing around in high school gyms chanting and getting drunk.


And in a world where you can lay around in front of your TV, more sofa than man, press a square on a rectangle in your pocket and in 30 minutes someone will arrive at your door with a hot pizza, we can't design one that tells us who Iowans want to be President from a list of 11 names. Alex Cora was able to develop a more sophisticated method for winning two World Series using trash can lids than we have for electing our chief executive. 

Not to blame this clusterfudge on any one man, but I think this explains a lot.

Who is Tom Perez? He's a man who loves a good metaphor. To death. 


To be fair, he didn't say he can walk and chew gum at the same time. Or walk, chew gum and count votes. 

So if the 2020 election as barely kicked off and it's already this FUBAR, I say we save ourselves the bother of going through with it. We gave representative democracy the old college try. And 232 years is a pretty good run, all things considered. But it's no longer working out. So let's go back to the old ways of deciding who's in charge that worked for millennia.


Let's let the people who want to run the country battle it out like the old days. Sure, it was messy and violent. But you can't argue it didn't work. In 333 B.C., when Hellenic candidate Alexander beat Darius III of the Persian party in the Battle of Issus primary, slaughtered all his men, crossed a ravine using a pile of their dead bodies as a bridge, captured his women and married his daughter, there was no question about who'd be sitting brehind the Resolute Desk in the Achaemenid Oval Office. Darius and his campaign staff were too dead to contest the election results. And if these buffoons running for both parties in 2020 really want to prove they're motivated to become our Commander in Chief, let them fight it out with swords and shields. It'll not only settle the matter fairly and unequivocally, it'll make the debates Must See TV.