Consuming Cow Urine And Cow Dung Might Be A Way To Stop Coronavirus Says Longtime Stoolie Swami Chakrapani Maharaj

From a Washington Post articles about weird remedies surrounding Coronavirus

The urine and dung of cows can be used for treating coronavirus infections, according to Swami Chakrapani Maharaj, president of Hindu Mahasabha, an Indian political party.

“Consuming cow urine and cow dung will stop the effect of infectious coronavirus,” Chakrapani said. If accompanied by a special yagna — or Hindu ritual, performed in front of a fire — it can “kill the novel coronavirus and end its effects on the world,” he said, according to Outlook India.

Since last week, I've been consumed with finding a cure for the coronavirus. I have spent hours and hours on Pinterest looking for the perfect blend of essential oils and Korean fermented veggies that could stop a world-wide outbreak from spreading. I've read about drinking bleach, warm salty water, and various types of teas. I've looked into herbs like the areca nut, or betel nut — usually used to get rid of hookworms, tapeworms and other intestinal parasites but have found limited success. 


Cow urine and cow dung, though. Hadn't thought of that until I came across and article that talked about, well, cow urine and cow dung. Let's take a look back and see what our friends over at Outlook India had to say. 

"Consuming cow urine and cow dung will stop the effect of infectious coronavirus. A person who chants Om Namah Shivay and applies cow dung on body, will be saved. A special yagna ritual will soon be performed to kill coronavirus," said Chakrapani.

Hmmm. I'm not sure why but I believe this and am willing to give this remedy a try at this point. After all, the effects of this virus are spreading every single day and I don't wanna be the only idiot with breath that doesn't smell of cow piss while the virus attacks my brain and lungs like a scene in the Battle of the Bastards. I want the cow dung to be like the arrows that rained down on Jon Snow's army killing nearly everyone in the process. 

Just to make sure this analogy is clear, I want the virus to be killed by the arrows and that's it. That's where it stops. I don't want one part of the virus to essentially be death proof and make it through the hail of arrows, track me down, and then allow my half-sister to release my own dogs on me whilst I'm tied up and they are starving. I dont then want the blood of my face to feed my dogs as they begin to eat me alive whilst I'm tied to a chair in a dark barn. I dont want that. I just want the cow dung and the cow urine to stop the virus in its tracks. That's it. That's as far as the analogy goes. 

Anyway, until western medicine finds an actual cure, we'd be foolish to ignore possible cures along the way. Therein lies the rub of cow dung. It seems silly to rub it all over your face and body until it saves your fucking life and the lives of those around you. Not so silly after that, is it? 

PS. It's crazy that the new organizations dont put disclaimers on claims like this, right? There is nothing on the India Outlook or even the Washington Post article that say for sure in big, bold brint that COW DUNG WILL NOT STOP CORONAVIRUS! DONT RUB COW SHIT ON YOUR BODY, YOU IDIOTS! Maybe people dont need that… but if there is articles out there… they probably do need that warning and that might be the craziest thing I type all day which is really saying something. 

PSS. I think Busta Rhymes should do a concert in Wuhan when the virus is completely contained. Wuhan Wuhan. We got you all in check.