This Red Sox 'Team Describe' is the Worst Looking Hat I Ever Saw

Source - The Boston Red Sox Team Describe 59FIFTY Fitted Cap features an embroidered Red Sox logo at the front panels alongside an equestrian statue of Paul Revere with a lobster roll embroidered at the rear beside the official MLB logo. 

It pains me to say anything negative, because growing up I was a huge New Era guy. It was a given that any time my Weymouth friends and I would go to a game, we'd make a stop at Twins Souvenir on the other side of Yawkey Way Jersey Street and buy fitted hats of some out of town team. I was always big on the Cubs so I had one of those. Also the Cardinals, Rangers (because I loved Nolan Ryan) and Dodgers, among others. So rather than disparage a company I once enjoyed a brand loyalty toward, I'll get Al Czervik say it for me.

And the free bowl of soup wouldn't be worth it. 

Allow me to share my culture with everyone who lives west of the Hudson River. No one in possession of a Massachusetts drivers license will ever purchase one of these or put one on their head, unless they're doing it ironically. This isn't a hat; it's a costume starter. You would pair this with a t-shirt that says "BEANTOWN," a Dick's Last Resort lobster bib and a Cheers button if your Halloween costume was Tourist. (Note to self: File that idea away for later.) 

This hat is for people who buy refrigerator magnets of bowls of chowder at Faneuil Hall. Check that. It's for anyone who's ever made a purchase at Faneuil Hall that wasn't something to eat or drink while they're walking to someplace else. It's for people who know where the Freedom Trail is and what it leads you to. It's to be worn by people you see get out their rental cars at Plymouth Rock and are disappointed they drove all that way to find out that it's ... a rock. There's no false advertising there, Chief. We put "Rock" right there in the title. Set it to an EDM beat, put strobe lights on it, it's still just a rock. Feel free to salvage your trip with a stroll along the waterfront to see the Mayflower II that was made out of fiberglass 40 years ago. Love the lobster roll on the hat, though. Way to blend. 

A hat with Paul Revere on the front and a lobster roll on the back is less authentically Boston than this Super Bowl ad. Which is actually pretty good. 

Putting Jim Halpert, Rachel Dratch and America's Ass on a "Team Describe" lid would be better that what they picked. 

First of all, no Masshole cares about Paul Revere. Every schoolkid knows his midnight ride made it about three blocks before he got captured. Another rider by the name of Israel Bissel made it all the way to Philadelphia to warn about the British coming. But when Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wanted to write a poem about it, he realized his rhyming dictionary had a lot options for "Revere" than "Bissel," so a phony legend was born. If you're going to go with a Colonial Patriot we do appreciate, you can't do better than Sam Adams, for the obvious reason. And a lobster roll, while great, is no staple item in anyone's diet. The rubes coming in from out of state to watch their daughter at Simmons race in The Head of the Charles will dine on more lobster rolls than my whole family will in the next decade. 

If you're going to put symbols of Boston on a hat, let me suggest some that really capture the essence of my birthplace:

A Duckboat (championship parade version only, not one giving a tour)

A U-Haul driven by a BU freshman wedged under a bridge on Storrow Drive

The highway sign near South Bay, reading "11 Miles to Braintree. 47 Minutes" 

A Growler of IPA

A Statie yelling at driver at the airport 

McGillicuddy's sign

A sandwich from Kelly's Roast Beef

A shoveled out parking space reserved with a chair

An MBTA car with a sign that reads "OUT OF SERVICE"

Rear Admiral

Paul Revere and a lobster roll. GTFOH with that.