NCAA Athlete’s Drug Use Survey Comes Out; Let’s Go To The Tape

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Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! One of my favorite yearly traditions, the annual NCAA Athlete’s Survey on Drug Use. While sure, it can be easily argued that this test is more of a survey on the level of honesty of NCAA athletes rather than their drug use, the answers can be somewhat revealing and helpful. So let’s go to the tape!

Alcohol: 1st place: Lacrosse 93.1%, 2nd place: Golf 87.5%, Last place: Basketball 71.6%

Was pretty shocked to see not every sport being at 100% here until I realized that college athletes lives, for the most part, absolutely suck. Seriously, after going to a big-time sports University and having friends who play Division I athletics, why anyone would CHOOSE to play a DI sport in college unless they need the scholarship or they can go pro in something is completely beyond me. Your coach owns your life, you have no social life like 40% of the year, and you get a dogshit education because you can’t keep your eyes open in class. And I know everyone will say “Yeah but you get to party and fuck smokes and blah blah blah!” Newsflash idiots: you can do all those things even if you don’t play a sport. Those aren’t exclusive to athletes. Just be really good-looking, or really rich, or really funny on twitter or a blog and you’ll have no problem getting all the benefits athletes do without doing bear crawls for a pissed-off GA who never made it.

Cigarettes: 1st place: Lacrosse 24.5%, 2nd place: Golf 20.5%, Last place: Track 5.8%

Nothing to say here other than I’m shocked Golf doesn’t top this list. All the Golf kids I’ve ever known pretty much played Golf to pack lips, rip cigarettes, and smoke a joint on the course during practice. Somewhere , John Daly is weeping at that 20.5% figure.

Cocaine: 1st place: Lacrosse 10.5%, 2nd place: 4.7%, Last place: Basketball 1%

No surprise at Lacrosse topping the list at 10.5%. I guess what this survey really shows us is that 90.5% of DI lacrosse players are liars or smarter than to write the truth on an “anonymous” survey. And for the 4.7% figure for Wrestling, I have to assume that the other 95.3% are doing crystal meth because it’s less expensive? Seriously, cocaine gets you really intense and makes you lose weight right? Shouldn’t that be mandatory for a college wrestler? Fun fact: the group of kids I grew up with all wrestled so I wrestled in middle school too because I decided I was too insecure to let the girls track team see my in a singlet in high school. Out of the five of us, one of them is at West Point, one is training to be a Navy SEAL, one is currently stationed as a Marine in California, and I am sitting here blogging. Moral of the story is wrestlers are fucking insane and I am the biggest pussy in my friend group.

Marijuana: 1st place: Lacrosse 46.3%, 2nd place: Swimming 32.7%, Last place: Track 18.2%

Lax tops this list again at 46.3%, over 13% more than the 2nd place runner-up in swimming. I’m sure there will be a huge outcry in the lacrosse community about what a crisis these figures are amongst coaches and parents while they have drinks at the parent get-togethers and continue to completely ignore and enable their kids with vast sums of cash.

Spit Tobacco: 1st place: Baseball 47.2%, 2nd place: Lacrosse 40%, Last place: Basketballball 8.8%

Lacrosse loses their only category to Baseball who clocks in at 47.2%. Only 47.2%? For College Baseball? Barstool Chicago has a higher percentage use of spit tobacco than College Baseball. I’ll just assume the real ball players all go directly to Single-A.

Synthetic Marijuana: 1st place: Lacrosse 3.6%, 2nd place: Baseball 3.3%, Last place: Golf, .8%

This is still a thing?


Follow me on twitter @CharlieWisco, email me at (the fact it’s AOL is supposed to be a joke that absolutely nobody got). All stats and figures on the survey can be found here: