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Fingering Celebrities

I was perusing social media the other day and came across a picture of some sexy broad named Holly Sonders holding a magnum of champagne while sitting in a nightclub with a small tan person.

After minimal research, I found that Miss Sonders is flawless in almost all of her other pics on both Twitter and Instagram, but in this particular shot, the camera angle (unfortunately) made it look like she had the hands of a pterodactyl.

Again... Probably just a bad camera angle, so I thought nothing of it.

Fast forward a few days, and I am sitting comfortably on my couch watching the first episode of the new season of HBO's Curb Your Enthusiasm.  

I may have mentioned this once or twice before, but for those who never read my shit, just know that I never liked the SEINFELD show, and I used to think my distaste for Jerry and his crew was possibly derived from some repressed comedic anti-Semitism.  

Then along comes Jerry's co-creator (and fellow Hebrew), Larry David, and BOOOM!... I can't get enough of that needling mensch.

Anyhoo, I am watching that first episode and there is a scene where Richard Lewis (yet another Jewish comedian I enjoy very much) holds up his left hand and I witness for the first time Lewis' bent left index finger. 

Unlike the lovely aforementioned Holly Sonders, I don't think this was a case of a bad camera angle.  Nor do I think it is a case of some birth defect.  I think Richard Lewis is just starting to feel the effects of old age... One of which is that arthritis fucks up your fingers.

Not a huge deal (at least not for me), but it was enough for me to casually Google "celebrities' fucked-up body parts", and the resulting rabbit hole I fell into for the next 3 hours is the basis of today's blog.

Before I start, I want to point out that my appearance is one giant anomaly, so I am not being hypocritically hyper-critical when I point out these small celebrity flaws.  As a matter of fact, except for Richard Lewis, I am exponentially more ugly than anyone mentioned in this blog.  I am simply trying to provide mindless fodder for your morning dump AND find an excuse to post a picture of a girl with 3 breasts.

And just to keep things fair and orderly, I am going to outline these celebrity deformities in 4 different categories.  

The first category contains the most members (10 of them, coincidentally) and it will only include FUCKED UP CELEBRITY FINGERS.

This category is near and dear to my heart because my own father had gotten his pinkie finger caught in a printing press when he was but a wee lad in Ireland.  As a result, he has a pinkie on his right hand that is way too small and has scars on the underside of that same pinkie which look like the impressions made by a printing machine's cogs.

I love my dad, but his pinkie creeps me the fuck out whenever I take notice of it, and I just discovered a celebrity finger that was damaged in an equally old-timey way AND is equally off-putting in a too-small-to-exist type way.

When Daryl Hannah was a young girl, she got her left index finger stuck in a pulley of her grandmother's well and had the irreparably damaged part of the digit surgically removed. She does not attempt to cover-up the stumpy little pointer in public appearances, but occasionally Daryl uses a prosthetic finger in her movies.

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I'll rifle through the rest of this category pretty quickly...

Chandler from Friends lost a large part of his middle finger as a child after his finger was caught in a closing car door.

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As a young man, Denzel Washington broke his pinky finger playing football and never had it set properly.  For the longest time, it was twisted like a beautiful mahogany pretzel... 

... but Denzel has since had it surgically repaired.

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My co-star in the movie Rudy, Vince Vaughn, lost the tip of his right thumb in a car accident when he was 17. He now jokes that the thumb looks like a “penis with a fingernail.”

As I alluded to above, when VV and I were on the set of Rudy we used to kid around for hours about his fucked-up thumb.  So much so, we had little nicknames for each other - I was "Handsome Mike" (obviously) and he was...

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Hunky actor, Tom Hardy has a permanently bent pinky finger on his right hand as a result of him accidentally severing a tendon with a kitchen knife. 

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Okay... So those are the celebs (along with my dad) with fingers that are fucked up from accidents, and you'll notice I didn't include any famous athletes with mangled paws because there are just too many of them to include in this little blog.

Well, maybe one quick one...

"Slap me 3 1/4, brother!"

But outside of these accidental anomalies, there are also a handful of famous people whose hands are jacked due to some genetic defect.

Sanaa Lathan has a common deformity known as a clubbed thumb or Brachydactyly.  It’s a genetic condition characterized by short, bulbous thumbs and wide nail beds.  Not a huge deal... It essentially just makes her a very pretty lady with very tiny thumbs.

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Megan Fox has the same condition... which you can clearly see in this GIF...

Gross, right?

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Speaking of sexy, Taye Diggs was born with an extra finger on each hand but had the additional digits removed...

(I know Taye had the superfluous fingers removed as a child, so the right-hand side of the above picture does not contain an actual image of Mr. Diggs' hands... I simply found the picture on the internet by accident, and posted it here for effect.)

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And finally, for the Boomers, M*A*S*H star Gary Burghoff (who played Radar) suffers from a congenital deformity that affected the development of his left hand.

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That's it for fingers, so let's naturally transition to...

FUCKED UP CELEBRITY TOES

Jennifer Garner’s mangled looking toes are the result of Brachymetatarsia, a condition in which one or more toe bones are much shorter than the others (but still adorable).

Here's a slightly better look at her feet for those who want more pictures of Jennifer Garner's feet...

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Original SNL castmember Dan Aykroyd has a condition known as Syndactyly; more commonly known as webbed toes... 

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Ashton Kutcher "suffers" from this condition also... 

I put "suffers" in quotes because I feel the actual suffering from having webbed toes is minimal... Perhaps you can never comfortably wear flip-flops, but I imagine the speed you pick up while swimming more than offsets the hardship caused by the absence of flip-flopping.

Moving on.

The less-than-sexy Drew Carey revealed in his autobiography that he was born with an extra toe on one of his feet and the perennially annoying Oprah Winfrey has been spotted with what looks like an extra toe beside her little toe.  

(A foot specialist claims Oprah's deformity is actually Splayfoot Syndrome, where her metatarsals spread apart when she walks.  Believe what you want, but I see 6 toes and "Splayfoot Syndrome" sounds made up.)

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Steven Tyler... The Aerosmith frontman suffers from a painful condition known as Morton’s Neuroma. His toes reportedly became deformed and twisted after a history of performing energetic stage routines in too-tight shoes.

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Tyler's feet might have been the worst I have seen, but then I remembered Lebron on the beach...

YIKES!

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FUCKED UP CELEBRITY NIPPLES

This category is admittedly disappointing because I was hoping the superfluous nipples listed below would be perhaps attached to a third tit, like the space hooker in either version of Total Recall.

Alas, that isn't the case, and the extra nipples I am about to highlight are often no more than what would seem like a mole to the untrained eye.  And third nipples in humans are surprisingly common; it’s thought that 1 in every 20 people has one.

Lily Allen is one of the more vocal celebs when it comes to talking about her physical deformity. The outspoken pop star has flashed her third nipple on TV... 

bragged about it in radio interviews... 

and even let a (lucky?) Dutch TV host touch it on air.

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Other celebs with what I will forever call that "trip nip" include Mark Wahlberg and Carrie Underwood... Although, Carrie is one of the only people on the list to remove their extra utter, so I have no pictures of it, sadly. 

Here's Marky Mark though... Making a stupid fucking face and flaunting his extra teet...

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In 2012, Harry Styles revealed that he has not two, not three, but four nipples! The One Direction frontman even joked, “I must have been a twin, but the other one went away and left its nipples behind."

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That's it for nipples.

I am going to name this next category SCARS only because "Fucked Up Celebrity Scars" just sounds too mean considering how they were acquired.

For example... Tina Fey was only in kindergarten when a man with a knife attacked her in the alley behind her house and ended up slashing her in the face.

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Michael K Williams, who played Omar on HBO's The Wire, has a real-life gash across his face as a result of a fight he got into just outside of a party in Queens.  His buddy was being beaten up by a couple of young miscreants and when Michael attempted to help, one of the assailants spit out a razor out that was hidden in his cheek and slashed Williams across his face.

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Aquaman/Khal Drogo got stabbed in the face with a broken bottle which immediately left him needing 140 stitches and eventually left him with a sexy eyebrow scar that should've ensured him a part in that last Lion King movie...

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Jonah Hill has a sizable scar on his right forearm (just below his elbow) after a joyriding accident when he was 15 years old flipped an SUV that had Jonah's arm hanging out of the window.

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And finally, Prince William's scar across his left temple was simply a result of the mandatory royal lobotomy...

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MISCELLANEOUS

In 2013, Ke$ha revealed to British magazine Heat that she was born with a vestigial tail (not unlike the one I pictured below, I assume), which was removed shortly after she was born.

(For the record, Ke$ha has also claimed to have had sex with a ghost.)

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Actress Kate Bosworth belongs to a small group of people with a condition called Heterochromia Iridium – Two different eye colors. 

Other celebrities with this unique condition include Mila Kunis...

Jane Seymour... 

and Elizabeth Berkley... 

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David Bowie had 2 different colored eyes AND his left pupil permanently dilated after being punched in the face when he was 15 years old...

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Academy Award-nominated actor Andy Garcia was born with a conjoined twin the size of a grapefruit attached to his fucking shoulder. 

It wasn’t until he was a toddler that doctors surgically removed the unformed fetus.

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And finally, former Victoria’s Secret Angel Karolina Kurkova has a smooth indentation where her belly button should be. When she was born she suffered an umbilical hernia that required surgery and left her without a traditional navel. 

But most people would never even know – digital belly buttons are added to nearly all of Karolina’s modeling photos.

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That's a ton of useless information I just vomited onto this page, and I can only hope it will change the experience next time you watch any one of these stars in their next roles as you try desperately to get a glimpse of the chinks in their armor.

Thanks for staying with it... Peace out.

Take a report.

-Large


This week's ExtraLarge tells a story of me fucking up at a Wall Street fundraiser… Can find it on BarstoolGOLD


This seems apropos…

TAR

-L