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126 Year Old Brazilian Dude Is The Oldest Living Human Ever Recorded

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TelegraphA Brazilian man whose parents were African slaves could be the oldest living person ever documented after receiving a birth cerficate showing he turned 126 last week, it was reported on Tuesday. Jose Aguinelo dos Santos was born on July 7 1888, just two months after slavery was abolished in Brazil – the last country in the world to outlaw the trade. Yet the batchelor, who never married or had children, still walks without a stick, eats four meals a day and has no health problems – despite smoking a packet of cigarettes a day for the last 50 years. Jose – known simply as Ze – was apparently 26 when the First World War broke out, and already a pensioner at 65 when Queen Elizabeth II ascended to the British throne. If the birth certificate is genuine, he would have been 52 when Brazil football legend Pele was born – and 62 when Brazil last hosted the World Cup, in 1950. One of five children, Jose was born in a slave compound in the town of Pedra Branca in the state of Ceara, northeast Brazil. He was among hundreds of slave families who continued to live there, even after being granted their freedom. He later travelled south to the state of Sao Paulo, where he spent most of his life working on a coffee plantation in the town of Bauru. Now a resident of an old people’s home in the same town, Jose likes to tell jokes and sing, hates having a bath, and never misses his daily plate of rice and beans. And he told Brazil’s G1 website there is no secret to living a long life: “The truth is that you just keep getting older. You take each stage at a time.  “If I got to this age it’s because I’ve lived a lot, that’s all.” Mariana Silva, psychologist at the Vila Vicentina home, said Jose has no health problems and is so lucid he still amuses other residents by cracking one-liners. She said: “He’s one of our most with-it residents “He doesn’t have high cholesterol, diabetes or high blood pressure. The only medicine he takes are vitamins and a tablet to give him an appetite, which you can lose with old age.  “When he’s on his own he likes to sing. None of us know the songs he sings. They’re from a time no-one else remembers.  “He doesn’t like to take a bath every day and it’s sometimes impossible to get him to the shower. When he puts his foot down, that’s it. No-one can get him in there.”

One hundred and fucking twenty six years old. Fucking Grover Cleveland was President when this dude was born. Marty and Doc traveled back in time to 1885 in Back to the Future III, and fucking Ze here popped out just three years later. Jerry Thornton was only 8 years old when Ze was born. And whats the key, you ask? How could one person live over 125 years? How can a dude who smokes a pack of cigarettes a day be the oldest living human of all time? Look no further than this sentence: “Yet the batchelor, who never married or had children…” Thats all you need to know right there, folks. Its not about exercise.  Its not even about diet. Its about just being a happy, stress free dude. No women barking at you and no blood sucking kids leeching off your entire existence and you can live forever. Thats why I think George Clooney is gonna live to be 350. I mean think about it – Ze here was born in 1888. A time when there was barely running water and electricity and medicine and shit like that. And he’s at 126 and still going strong. Imagine George Clooney – with his wealth, and his lifestyle – all in the luxury of the modern world with advanced medicine and health care? No wife or family holding him down and all the money and happiness in the world. I would be shocked, shocked, if Clooney doesn’t make it to 200.

PS – How about Jose singing songs that are so old nobody even knows what they are? Imagine like if 90 years from now I was just walking around singing the words to Regulate and everyone was like “ah nobody knows that song asshole it happened 115 years ago.”

PPS – How gross do you think a 126 year old Brazilian man smells when he refuses to shower?

PPPS – This dude is just old and senile and is probably like 83 and they just don’t have his birth certificate.