Idiot Scientists Tried To Figure Out How Mummies Would Talk And Failed Spectacularly

I'm so sick of these dweebs and their beakers and science poles. Watch a movie for me one time. Feels like every few months we catch wind about some researcher or scientist in some pocket of the world that is trying to open a portal to another dimension or bring a dinosaur or sabertooth tiger back to life without even considering the repercussions a move like that would have on the rest of the world. Now you've got these bozos fiddling around with mummies trying to get them to speak. For what purpose? No idea. If ever confronted with a mummy I don't think I'd even be able to hear it over my own shrieks of terror. And once those shrieks subsided we surely would not speak the same language, seeing as I'm from Boston and pretty much all mummies are from beyond the grave. Who's to say what language they'd speak, but I surely do not believe they all sound like Stephen Hawking. 

The real trouble here comes from having an actual, real live mummy at their disposal. Did Brendan Fraser teach us NOTHING? There are certain things on this Earth you do not fuck with: Native American burial grounds, short, quiet, shifty guys who stay unusually calm during moments of conflict, Charles Oakley, and, perhaps at the very top of that list, ancient Egyptian tombs and the mummies that lie within. You don't go near those fucking things and if you want to go near them, you CERTAINLY do not touch anything in or around them. You absolutely, under no circumstance, take a mummy OUT of its tomb and start digging around in its throat to see if you can become the next Jeff Dunham. I don't know what kind of hellish curse these dumb dumbs just unleashed but I would like all mummies to know I didn't have shit to do with this and to please spare my family during the eventual Reckoning that is surely en route.