The Tale Of Dead Eye - My Father's One Eyed Pet Spider Monkey That Got Eaten By The Neighbor's Dogs

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Gather round the fire, children, and let me tell you a story. A story about Dead Eye, the one eyed spider monkey my father owned as a pet in the backwoods of Pennsylvania at the age of 17. If you watched the Rundown Aftershow yesterday, at the very end with a couple minutes left I casually brought up how my dad had a pet monkey that got eaten by the neighbors dog’s. I just mentioned it off the cuff because I had heard the story for so many years, it doesn’t even faze me anymore. But judging by Feits and Big Cat’s reaction, and when I take a step back and listen to the words coming out of my mouth, I realize its a pretty fucking absurd thing to say.

So people were intrigued. Confused. They wanted more Dead Eye. The needed more Dead Eye. So I got Papa Clance on the line to explain the tale of Dead Eye – how he came to be and how he met his demise. At the request of the survivors, the names have been changed. Out of respect for the dead, the rest has been told exactly how it occurred.

Me: I mentioned the story of Dead Eye, your monkey, on my show yesterday and the guys went wild. They wanna know more about him and how he met his demise. I told them about the neighbor’s dog but they are asking for more details about how old you were and how you got a pet monkey and what not…can you fill me in?

Papa Clance: It had to be 1971 and Herbie Bortz and I had left 443 Poplar Street because he had eaten your grandfathers last Klondike bar and that set him over the edge. Herbie, a Blackfoot, was without a home due to his folks splitting up and leaving town. Your grandma and grandpa had graciously let him live with us until then. So off we went in Pearl (Note: Pearl is the name of my father’s 1940 Chevy. We still have it in the garage to this day)  and found a cabin in Cambridge Springs to live in. It had electricity but no running water and an outhouse. We took baths in the stream fed by the springs. Anyway the original owner of Dead Eye was a beautiful Barbie doll like girl named Franny Logue. For some unknown reason I was dating her she was way out of my league – a year ahead of me in school and always dated the Jock Studs. Must have been going through a bad boy phase. So she was leaving for college and she had this poor squirrel monkey with a bad eye that she could not take with her so Herbie and I adopted the little boy. We took him back to the cabin where we uncaged him and he had pretty much had the run of the place. For some reason he liked to perch on your feet if you were lying down.

He also disliked our very masculine female electrician that lived in the next cabin. But that’s another story for another time. That your mother would not like hearing. Getting back to school and heading into winter we found an apartment back in Meadville and along came Deadeye with us. Somewhere along the line Herbie ended up with 3 puppies that we also adopted for some unknown reason as we were completely broke and could barely feed ourselves let alone a monkey and three dogs.

And so it came to pass as the dogs got bigger and hungrier one day we came home and Dead eye was no where to be found. The apartment was a wreck. Furniture knocked over. Glasses broken. An apparent ruckus had ensued. All the windows and doors were closed, and there lied 3 satisfied dogs and no trace of old Dead Eye. I surmised the Pups had him for lunch but we will never know. Maybe he escaped and went back to Franny.

The Champ Wofford story about when they kicked my ass was about the same time also.


And so there you have the story of Dead Eye. My Dad and his Native American nomad friend were living in the sticks of Pennsylvania next to a beastly female electrician when they adopted a smokeshow’s monkey and one day Mother Nature took its course a 3 hungry dogs ate him. Incredible. Michael Jackson, Ross from Friends, and my Dad – the three dudes who have Pet Monkey Stories. Not gonna lie, the part about him take baths in the springs with his boy weirded me out. But then I remembered this was also the guy who hooked up with Sharon Stone when they were in high school. He tried to keep that one under wraps and hidden from the family but when I was like 13 his buddies told us that went down and ever since then watching Basic Instinct has never been the same.

PS – Mom I hope you’re not reading this but what the fuck went on with the manly female electrician?????? I guess that was just another Bad Boy Phase.

PPS – Cue the “Dead eye” jokes for KFC. Real original. Reeeeal original.