"Real Talk Are You Horny?" Texts: A Barstool Sports Investigation

Yesterday I introduced you to “Straight White Boys Texting.”  Its a Tumblr blog designed to embarrass straight white guys for some of the most outlandish texts they send girls trying to get laid. Specifically, the incredibly blunt questions or requests that ordinarily follow cringeworthy small talk. Out of all the screenshots posted to the site, one dude named Tanner stole the show with a bunch of “Hi’s” and “heys” and “haha’s” followed by “Real Talk Are You Horny?” One of the most romantic questions these eyes have ever seen. So I proclaimed “Real talk are you horny?” my new go-to move and asked the Stoolies to experiment with it and send me the results. It all began with this:

And then from there it proceeded to spiral out of control. Stoolies everywhere just blatantly asking chicks if they were horny. The results ranged from very successful to absolute massive failures. The good, the bad and the ugly from the Real Talk Are You Horny Experiment:

Oh really, Bernadette? You even thought that period was really necessary huh? Well guess what? Bernadette is a nuns name. Sister Bernadette over here isn’t horny. Big surprise there. Have fun living in a convent the rest of your life.

I’m sorry did I ask you where you were currently heading? No. I asked you if you were horny. Fully capable of being en route to a soccer game and being horny at the same time.

Such a non committal horny. Gotta follow up asking for nudes to prove it.

You wish? Bitch what am I, a genie? You don’t have to “wish” to be horny. Just go ahead and be horny. Like if you decide you’re horny then you are. There’s nobody stopping you. Just kind of a switch that you gotta flip on your own babe. Real talk.

BRUTAL read receipt. Thats worse than Bernadette’s “No.” Just couldn’t even be bothered to lift her thumbs and text you a response. Hey man, who knows. Maybe she dropped her phone the minute she saw this text and started masturbating thinking about you and wasn’t able to respond. Probably not but maybe!

Bingo. First winner of the day was Caroline. Definitely having sex this weekend at the Cape.

I’m just gonna go ahead and assume this dude was texting with Hope Solo. Brennan be careful with this one. Anyone in your phone as Psycho is probably not worth the inevitable assault/restrainer order.

Sandra with 2 A’s = horny 24/7.

Gennie with a G = hasn’t ever been horny in her entire life.

Well she said she’s leaving the funeral right? Not that she’s GOING to the funeral. Its possible. Chaz Reinhold would argue that she’s at her horniest right now.

Choose your targets wisely, straight white boys.

100% counting this as a win. We’re not looking for style points. I don’t care how enthusiastic she is about it. Just looking for a yes.

This is worse than the read receipt and Bernadette and Gennie’s hard “No.’s” You ask a chick if shes horny and she responds talking about Shredded Wheat. More like shredded your dick dude.

Steph has her horniness quantified as a hard 7. Thats some real, real talk. Speaking of hard, my boner is.

Inception Real Talk! You straight up Incepted her horniness. She wasn’t horny until you planted that idea in her brain. Victory. 

Straight up FATALITY to Handsome Hank’s face. Mortal Kombat, rip your spine out of your mouth sort of finish.

Bro you texted a chick named Chastity. What the fuck did you expect? Next time why dont you just pick a girl named Virgin or Prude and see how that plays out. Idiot.

Sales Guy just aiming for the moon with his Real Talk Are You Horny? text. Guy is a savvy veteran of the game. Aim for the moon and if you miss you’ll fall amongst amateur porn stars.

MUTOMBO NO NO NO!

She hit you with the Family Feud “X!”

The reverse psychology Real Talk! Nicole didn’t know she was horny until now.

Smart and sexy. Sounds like the start of a porno with a teacher or something. Counting that as a victory.

CLASSIC chick response right here. Just overthinking shit to the max. I don’t know babe. Are you wet? Have you ever been wet? How about you just give me a normal answer to my sext?

Whataburger gets the bitches wet.

Time for the 2 most absurd, emphatic, and disastrous responses to the Real Talk Are You Horny Experiment:

2)

Well that escalated fast huh? Real Talk, are you bipolar? Because one minute you said you were at work and I would have to use my hand which is kind of a sexy response and the next you’re calling me heartless and disgusting so those 2 things aren’t exactly jiving. Wouldn’t be surprised if you get stored in the phone as “Psycho” after this like that other guy.

1) Drum roll please…most unexpected reaction to Real Talk Are You Horny goes to…

Ahhhh classic mishap! You sext a chick if she’s horny and she tells you she’s decimated by a twister. Hate when that happens! But hey listen – you play your cards right in this situation and its not out of the question that she ends up horny. Damsel in distress sort of situation. Gotta walk a fine line post-tornado but its doable.