New York State Bans Tiger Selfies

Washington Times – New York state lawmakers have passed a bill banning residents from taking “tiger selfies” — a rising trend on dating websites in which single men post photos of themselves posing with the ferocious felines in hopes of impressing potential mates. Assemblywoman Linda Rosenthal, a Democrat, explained that she introduced the legislation in order to increase safety at circuses and fairs, but acknowledged proudly that it would also put the kibosh on tiger selfies, which have become increasingly popular on dating websites Tinder and OKCupid, the New York Post reported. The bill prohibits “hugging, patting, or otherwise touching” tigers at fairs or circuses. “They can still pose with bears and monkeys,” the assemblywoman said. “They just have to take big cats off their list.” “I feel bad now,” cracked Miss Rosenthal’s staffer Lauren Schuster, the Post reported. “We’re killing bros’ dreams and chances of being laid!” New Yorkers who cuddle a jungle cat would face fines of up to $500. A spokesman for New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo told the Post that the bill was under review.

Hold up did New York secede from the Union or something? Did I miss the part where the Empire State left America? Because last time I checked New York was a part of The United States and in this country we have a little something that I like to call freedom. We have a little something called the Constitution that protects our rights to take pictures with whatever fucking jungle cats we want to. If I want to post a picture of me and fucking Rajah from Aladdin on to Tinder to try to help me get laid, well thats my God given right. If I want to risk being eaten to death by Siegfried and Roy’s pals just to try to score some internet pussy, thats my prerogative. You think bears and monkeys make chicks wet? For sure not. You wanna flood their basement you need to hit them with the Tiger Selfie. I’ll risk the 500 dollar fine or I’ll move to New Jersey. All I know is I refuse to live under such tyranny where a grown adult cannot freely take pictures with tigers in an effort to fuck women.