HAPPY LOOK OUT! Frozen Iguanas Are Falling From Trees In Florida

WGN -  The low temperatures stun the invasive reptiles, but the iguanas won’t necessarily die. That means many will wake up as temperatures rise Wednesday.

Iguanas aren’t dangerous or aggressive to humans, but they damage seawalls, sidewalks, landscape foliage and can dig lengthy tunnels. The males can grow to at least 5 feet (1.5 meters) long and weigh nearly 20 pounds (9 kilograms).

Iguanas are allowed to be kept as pets in Florida but are not protected by any law except anti-cruelty to animals. They’ve been in South Florida since the 1960s, but their numbers have increased dramatically in recent years.

I know people love to shit on Florida but this is actually pretty sweet. Just imagine you and your buddy are walking home from the bar, maybe smoking a joint. Maybe smoking a cig. Maybe arguing over Devin Hester as a centerfielder vs. Scottie Pippen as a wide receiver. Doing your usual bullshit, getting ready to go home and fire up the PS4 and the pizza pizzazz 

When BOOM, your pal takes a frozen reptile to the face clean off a 30 foot drop from an elm tree. He's bleeding but laughing. Your IG story rockets. You guys are now playing catch with the frozen iguana. Kyle pretends to be the center in shotgun formation. You lift your knee like a college quarterback to signal to your friend Kyle that you're prepared to take the snap. He lifts his head up. You yell RED SEVEN because that line from Wedding Crashers still holds up in 2020. Kyle snaps the iguana. You catch it. The iguana, now awakened from the warmth of Kyle's embrace under center, instinctively bits into your forearm and then runs away. The high proportion of fast glycolytic muscle fibers in the iguana allows him to quickly run away into the darkness. But that muscle density also means the iguana can't run very far. He must be close. So you and Kyle begin the search again knowing that iguanas are only protected under anti-cruelty laws. There's nothing stopping you guys from bringing this iguana home as a pet. You name him King Richard. 

Come here King Richard - you and Kyle, quietly whispering in the darkness after a long night of drinking

You guys spend the next 20 minutes crawling around looking for King Richard. You can't find him but you've been updating snapchat the whole night and your boys fucking love the content. #FindKingDick starts trending in the group chat. Exhausted, you and Kyle go home to a bomb frozen pie that your Uncle Frank sent down from Chicago as part of a care package. They're called Home Run Inns and they're fucking delicious. You an Kyle crush 2 sausage HRI's heavy with cracked red pepper. It's Kyle's favorite. Then you run a train on some losers in Call of Duty, murder some colossal bong rips and then agree it's One Of The Most Epic Nights Of Your Lives, all because King Richard got cold and fell from a tree. 

Like I said I know people love to shit on Florida, but this is actually pretty sweet.