The Lettuce Thief Comes Forward!

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(This is the only photographical evidence of the Lettuce Thief. Quick screenshot from a blurry vine.)

I got sent down South for a work trip and don’t have much service other than my hotel/lunch room, so I haven’t been following the blog but just listened to mailtime and I gotta own up to it, I’m the lettuce thief. Little background on my day, started drinking at noon plus that open bar and only ate breakfast. I thought it would be too dick of a move to eat the wing and knew you wouldn’t eat the garnish…so beggars can’t be choosers. Another important fact, I don’t know how, but I only had blue cheese for the first time a year ago. So I’ve been making up for lost time.

It was a bad move on my part, so thanks for not hitting me, but from what I remembered you were done with the wings. Sometimes you wake up after drinking and realize you fucked a gross fat chick…other times you realize you ate the wrong guys garnish.

Thanks for the lettuce, you’re welcome for the story, wings are on me next time.

-Lettuce Thief

PS I may not remember much about that night, but I do know that was some damn good blue cheese.

So if you follow me on Twitter or listen to the podcast, you know the tale of The Lettuce Thief. Quite possibly the weirdest Stoolie interaction I’ve ever had. Last Saturday I was at the bar for the Belmont and Rangers game 2. I’m sitting at the bar eating a plate of wings and the dude next to me is a Stoolie so we start shooting the shit. Seems normal enough. Talking sports, talking about the blog. Everything was normal. Then all the sudden I see him eyeing up my plate. Bobbing his head back and forth and scouting out the situation on my plate. He proceeds to grab a piece of my lettuce garnish, dips it in my blue cheese, and eats it. I was speechless for a second and then I just flat out said to him “That was a pretty weird fucking move man.” He told me he just wanted to try the blue cheese. Said it was good and gave it his seal of approval.

Well he finally game forward with the email above and then the follow up:

I was teetering on the edge of being blackout when I showed up, then it just hit me once I got all those open bar drinks. Funny thing is, sober I’m a huge germophobe, so I just felt bad that I was touching your food the next day. But whatever, it’s a pretty funny story in the end

Now I dunno. I’m not calling the kid a liar, but I’m telling you there was no chance he was in a blackout. Unless he’s the most coherent drunk of all time, theres no way he was that fucked up. We had normal conversation for like 10 minutes and I didn’t think he was even slightly drunk. Certainly not shitfaced enough to steal another mans lettuce. You know what I think, Ryan? I think you’re just a Lettuce Thief. Plain and simple. You’re new to the blue cheese game (how the fuck is that possible,by the way?) and you can’t help yourself. You want all the blue cheese you can get your hands on. You wanted that blue cheese and you swiped my garnish like a barbarian and you cuckholded my meal right in front of my face. And I’m not even mad about it. I respect it.

PS – Shout out to the dude who sent me a plate of lettuce and blue cheese at Saloon last night. Well played.