Dude Arrested For Trying To Have Sex With An ATM And A Picnic Table

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TennesseeA man was arrested at a Murfreesboro bar Friday night for attempting to have sex with an ATM and later a picnic table. According to the arrest report, Lonnie Hutton, 49, walked into the Boro Bar and Grill on Greenland Drive and up to the ATM. He pulled down his pants and underwear, exposing his genitals, and then attempted to have sexual intercourse with the ATM, the report stated. Responding officers found Hutton, still nude from the waist down, walking around the bar, thrusting his hips in the air. Officers took Hutton outside and told him to sit at a wooden picnic table. The report stated he “exposed himself again and engaged in sexual intercourse with the wooden picnic table.” Hutton smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech, bloodshot eyes and was unsteady on his feet. He was charged with public intoxication and booked into the Rutherford County jail on $250 bond. Hutton is scheduled to appear in court July 1.

Poor dude. I bet that ATM was putting out the vibes like a fucking slut. Teasing Lonnie Hutton with all those questions. I fucking hate how many questions the ATM asks you. English? Would you like to check your balance? Would you like a receipt? Do you agree to pay the fee? Would you like another transaction? Shut the fuck up, ATM! Just give me 60 bucks and let me get the fuck out of here. But Lonnie Hutton put that bitch in her place. Just pulled his pants down and went to town. Making a deposit all up inside her. Its like that Movie “Her” where the guy falls in love with his talking computer. Except in this case he just fucked the ATM and then walked around the bar with his cock out. 6 of one, half dozen of the other.

PS – Of all the inanimate objects a person could fuck, a picnic table is absolutely dead fucking LAST on the list. Its flat. Sharp edges. Corners. Splinters galore. I feel like a picnic table is just the oldest, splinteriest thing you could possible rub your dick against. I’d rather raw dog a beehive than have sex with a picnic table.