WTOP – A Maine man in search of a valuable mineral cut open a dead porcupine on the side of the road and unexpectedly pulled out its baby. Jared Buzzell, of Lisbon, says he was searching for wild mushrooms Thursday when he saw a porcupine get hit by a car in Minot. Buzzell says he’d heard that a valuable mineral deposit used in Chinese medicine formed in the stomachs of porcupines. He then cut open the dead porcupine to search for the mineral and instead found the baby. He tells WMTW-TV he cut the umbilical cord and thought the baby porcupine was dead until he started massaging it and it began breathing. Buzzell is caring for the baby at home and plans to give it to a licensed wildlife rehabilitator.
Just your normal Monday morning feel-good story. A guy is out looking for some shrooms, sees a dead porcupine, and decides the next rational thought is to cut that thing open on the side of the road to try to find a Chinese mineral that apparently grows inside of porcupines (I’m not doing any research because I’m just going to believe that’s true). And then he basically delivers a baby which he is now feeding out of a bottle. Pretty standard shit. I love his thought process. Quickest thinker this side of the Mississippi and a no holds barred attitude when it comes to getting what he wants. It’s so savage to cut open a porcupine on the side of the road. I’m just imagining him digging through it, throwing guts and organs over his shoulders like a kid in a cartoon who is searching for something, porcupine needles sticking out of his eyeballs, all in search of a mythical emerald and then a fucking baby pops out of nowhere. Pretty, pretty normal.