Derrick Henry Was Born In The Wrong Century
The Tennessee Titans just beat down the top seeded Baltimore Ravens a week after going into Foxboro and murdering the Patriots in front of a national audience. Ryan Tannehill has thrown for a smooth 17 yards over the last eight quarters of play. Henry is an unstoppable, derailed freight train who has been allowed on an NFL field despite the many laws which should prohibit such. And yet, just a mere four quarters away from the Super Bowl, I am here to tell you right now that Derrick Henry was unfortunately born in the wrong century.
As recently as 150 years ago he’d have been handed a small nation just for walking down the street in a semi-menacing fashion. The further back you go the more he would have had. The Library at Alexandria would still be standing today should Henry have been around at that point in time. Alexander the Great would have been chomping sand rather than terrorizing nations near and far. Genghis Khan? It is believed that 16 million men are direct descendants of Khan, which is an outrageous number and should be talked about more frequently. If Henry had been around at the same time Khan gets spun around like Earl Thomas and has zero total descendants after being kicked out of society for being a coward.
Sure, Henry will make a decent living in modern times after he gets this next contract as a professional football running back. But can you imagine the living he could have racked up in Ancient Rome? Per The Telegraph:
One charioteer, named Gaius Appuleius Diocles, amassed a fortune 35,863,120 sesterces in prize money – the equivalent of $15 billion (£9.6 billion), claims Peter Struck, a professor of classical studies.
The 2nd century “champion of all charioteers” made his fortune even without the sponsorship and marketing fees that bolster the pay of his modern counterparts in the sporting world.
The extent of his riches is recorded on a monumental inscription erected in Rome in 146AD by his fellow charioteers and fans.
FIFTEEN BILLION! And he could just run by himself, no need for the horse and chariot with the knife wheels spinning. Easily a safer sport than professional football. Plus, he could mix in a few matches in the gladiator ring on his off days, murder a couple dozen lions with his bare hands and he’s running up a smooth 25-30 billion easy. Eating grapes and getting carried around like Xerxes on a daily basis. Now that’s living.
I say all that to say this: I feel bad for Derrick Henry. The poor guy was born 2000 years too late. All he was able to string together in this century was the greatest high school running back statistics of all time, a Heisman trophy, an NFL rushing title, and a few measly million dollars. That’s alright, I suppose, but Gaius Appueius Diocles wouldn’t even get out of bed for less than a billion and a new statue.
