Coyotes Are Taking Over Chicago And Trying To Eat Your Babies
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Wild scene in Chicago the last 24 hours or so as we are going through a legit Coyote infestation. Although obviously they're pretty stupid animals otherwise they wouldn't be at Sprint chasing down the worst coverage in America but I digress. Point is we got Coyotes on our hands and that seems to be a problem.
Now hand up I don't know the first fucking thing about Coyotes other than I'm surprised that the 5-year old didn't die from being repeatedly bit in the head. Like gun to my head I'd say that would be enough to kill a 5-year old but who knows maybe that's a resilient bunch. Maybe it's one of those 5-year old babies from by Midway airport that grows twice as fast as other children. Otherwise explain to me why every kid at St. Mary Star By The Sea had a goddamn mustache come 6th grade.
Regardless we need to come up with solutions to control the booming Coyote population and here are some ideas from my extremely limited brain:
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Idea #1. Kill all of the Coyotes - this would be the easiest but most fucked up. You could just go around and kill all the Coyotes. Maybe set up a reward with a sliding payout scale for civilians to juice it up a little. For example, my parents are in their 60's. If they take down a Coyote I think they should get more than me and my brothers (30's). That kind of incentivizes everyone to get out there and kill some yotes.
Idea #2. Get Paul Bissonnette Involved - maybe a bad joke but he works for the Coyotes and I feel like that moves us one degree closer to getting a resolution. And if he's not down then we move on to Big Cat because this is right up his wheelhouse
Idea #3. Ignore the Coyotes - this is the path of least resistance until a 5-year old from outside an industrial area of Chicago gets murdered
Idea #4. Embrace the Coyotes - On the opposite side of killing them, we could be pretty cool to the Coyotes. Leave them some food and shit. Let them roam around Grant Park during co-ed softball just to keep the pace of play moving and the scorebooks honest.
Idea #5. Contain The Coyotes To A Specific Area - Idk how we do this but this is one that I feel like environmentalists would really like to suck each other off to this idea. The government too seeing as it would be the hardest to execute and easily most expensive aka right in Chicago's wheelhouse. I can hear the Lori Lightfoot presser now
TO LONG HAVE COYOTES BEEN IGNORED
... finally ..
Idea #6. How about ANYTHING. Literally fucking ANYTHING would be better than what we're doing right now aka Jack Shit and Jack just left town. This shit is embarrassing.
Idea #7. Not a solution but did you know the average Coyote only weighs about 30-something pounds. I thought they'd be way bigger. What am I missing?