So last night I’m minding my own business watching Ricky Gervais pwn the libs and got this tweet sent to me:
Go ahead assholes, yuck it up with Lo Duca. Fat shame me, call me bald and tell me I have a small hog. That’s what I signed up for when I latched onto Barstool 6 and a half years ago and weaseled my way into full time employment. I can handle it. But this guy racing horses in a speedo is NOT me. I mean sure he’s got a similar frame and hairline so I can see where Lo Duca would be confused, but do you think this guy could complete the Bank of America (no free ads) Chicago Marathon in 5:26:36 in 75 degree sweltering heat? Nope. You think he can throw a baseball 91MPH? Not a shot. You think he could eat 9 hot dogs and drink 9 beers in a 9 inning baseball game? Actually… yeah he def could. But the point remains, it ain’t me. I swear to it.
I thought about a few retorts, but refrained. At first I wanted to make fun of Lo Duca for being a former MLB all star who’s now the coworker of an idiot like myself, but I don’t know him too well yet. Can he can handle some fun banter? Maybe, maybe not. But it wasn’t something I was going to test. Maybe he still has some remnants of Andro coursing through his blood stream that will set him off, or maybe he’s got the psycho loose cannon gene and will try to cave my face in the next time I’m in NYC? Not sure.
Oh wait, yes I am. Look at this lunatic:
Right on the corner, you big crybaby!! Keep your hands inside the goddamn baseball and turn on that pitch you wimp!
Jesus Lo Duca. Quit your bitching and get back in the box. You’re hitting against noted dick baller Joe Blanton and his meaty career 6.5 K/9 mark. I’d put money on fucking KFC taking him deep and if KFC were any less athletic he couldn’t walk. You should have been licking your chops to see another lifeless pitch off him. Not trying to decapitate the ump for correctly calling a strike.
But the moral of the story is this: I will use your fat person joke as a means to get back into shape in 2020.* New year, new me. That way when we have our pop time contest/ home run derby at the Field of Dreams in August I dust your old ass. Might even consider doing some bicep curls or something from now until then.
* This will last a week, maybe 2. Tops.