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Does This Look Like The Face Of A 60 Year Old Woman On An Oxygen Tank Who Used A Back Scratcher To Fend Off A Would-Be Robber?

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MARION, Ind. – An intruder didn’t get away with anything except for injuries after a Marion couple sent him running from their home. A robbery suspect broke into a detached garage on East Swayzee Street on Monday night, officers with the Marion Police Department said. Police said the suspect grabbed a large wrench and duct tape and then broke some glass to get into the couple’s home. The homeowners, believed to be in their 60s, confronted the man after he broke in through their back door. Authorities said the suspect asked Don Kearney for his gun, but he said he did not have one. That’s when Patty Kearney asked the suspect if he had a gun. He said no and she began beating him with a wooden back scratcher she had been carrying, police said.

Fucking old people.  Just when you think they’re capable of doing nothing but helplessly laying there in a bed, sucking oxygen from a tank and being a mental and physical burden on their children they go and pull something heroic like this.  Slapping would-be robbers around with their back scratchers and scaring them away.  This is a big win for senior citizens everywhere.  And if you’re this robber you have no choice but to quit the robber business, right?  Yeah you’re done.  Your thief card is officially revoked.  If you can’t rob an overweight woman and her husband who are both staring death in the face than you don’t deserve to rob people for a living.  It’s that simple.  Trying to steal from an old couple if beginner level thieving.  That’s like putting Madden on rookie and not being able to score a touchdown.  It’s not in the cards at that point.  Do something else.