How Do I Get Out of a World War III Draft?
So since last week I've been hearing a lot about this potential World War III business. I must admit I'm still not 100 percent clear on what all is going on because we apparently killed some Iranian leader while Tennessee's bowl game was going on, so there were obviously more important things happening than all this geopolitical stuff. But Iran certainly seems like it's not going to go down quietly, which has many people on the internet discussing a potential draft if this war comes to fruition. That certainly got my attention, because I don't particularly want to get that letter in the mail.
I have an immense amount of respect for our troops and the incredible job they do protecting this country, which is precisely why I know I'm not cut out for that line of work. I was put on this Earth to write blogs and eat Chick-fil-A sandwiches, both skills which I doubt the U.S. military is looking for in potential draftees.
But if this thing gets as bad as some people seem to think it will, they're just gonna start drafting everybody and worry about what they've got later. So if worst comes to worst, I'm gonna need a way to get out of this thing.
Here's what I've got so far:
— I'm really tall. That knocks out the Navy and Air Force.
— I'm pretty sure I heard my grandpa was drafted to go to Vietnam but didn't have to go because he was in medical school. Can I just do that? I'll be a doctor. Can't be that hard.
— I dislocated my shoulder in a high school JV football game and it still pops out all the time. Can't have that out on the battlefield.
— I'm sort of a public figure? Is that a thing? Surely they're not gonna be drafting Saquon Barkley or anybody like that, right? So what is the minimum amount of notoriety one must attain before that kicks in?
— If I just tell the government I've been spending extensive amounts of time around Marty Mush, I think that may be enough for them to not want me executing the battle plans. I'll probably be put on some other sort of watchlist, but at least I won't have to go to Iran.
— If all else fails, I'll just go to Canada. I love it up there. Maybe I can be a Pink Whitney rep or something.
So that's where we're at right now. Obviously we're just in the preliminary stages, but if this thing keeps going south, we're gonna need a surefire way out of this thing. Please let me know anything y'all can think of.