Reading - A limping turkey that captured hearts in Reading died New Year’s Day after getting hit by a car. The administrator of the Limpy the Town Turkey Facebook group, where residents shared pictures, videos and stories of encounters with the charmingly brazen “Limpy,” wrote that he was hit Wednesday morning. Several people were trying to get Limpy away from traffic on West Street when the turkey was struck. A man picked him up, carried him to the Montessori school parking lot and fed him corn, but he “didn’t last long,” according to the post. Members of the group – which grew from mere hundreds to over 5,000 Limpy fans since it was founded in October – took to Facebook to share their favorite memories of the unofficial town mascot. Many remarked on Limpy’s impact on the community, from bringing residents together in their love for the bird, to sales of Limpy merchandise benefitting local charities.
Meet Limpy. Limpy was the town turkey in Reading, Pennsylvania. (UPDATE – I thought it was Reading, PA. Apparently it was Reading, MA. Doesnt really matter except this first paragraph I start to ramble about Reading, PA. Oh well. whatever. Funnier this way.) Kinda like one of your regular, local bums, except in turkey form. He wasnt as much of a begging vagrant as he was just a fucking bird who lived in Reading, Pennsylvania. Now, I remember Reading, PA for two reasons. 1) The Reading Railroad on Monopoly, and 2) The Reading Phillies, the minor league affiliate in Philly. I remember going to a birthday party in elementary school when I lived outside of Philly and we went to a Reading Phillies game. The kid who’s birthday it was, his dad owned a Burger King franchise. We went to a BK before heading out to the game and when his dad asked what I wanted, I said “Chicken McNuggets.” In my mind, McNuggets was synonymous with “nuggets.” Sort of like Band Aid or Kleenex, where you forget that name is actually a brand name. So I asked this man…a man who had poured his life savings into a Burger King…for a McDonalds product. You would have thought I spit in his face. You would have thought I called him a racial epithet. He gave me a speech about how they dont serve those there. I was like, I dunno, 9 years old and I was basically getting lectured and he was treating me like I committed a hate crime. I wanted to be like “Hey old man! You shoulda bought a Mickey D’s and then you wouldnt have to be giving some long winded explanation to a 3rd grader about how I offended you with my lunch order.” Also just to continue to paint the full picture, the kid I was friends with was named Andrew, then decided he wanted to go by A.C., and THEN a few years later wanted to switch back to Andrew. You’re an asshole if you change your name, you’re a double wide asshole if you switch it back. So, all in all that family sucked.
Anyway, I digress. Thats what I knew about Reading, PA. But it turns out I missed the main attraction. The life force of that city. Limpy, the fucking town turkey. And if you’re not aware of the Legend of Limpy, let me take you over to a little place called “Facebook.” Yes, facebook still exists, and YES, the active members of facebook having an unhealthy obsessions with a wild bird is exactly what you’d expect these days. These lunatics stalk the whereabouts of this wild turkey like it was the Leprechaun in Mobile Alabama. WHO ALL SEEN THE GIMP LEGGED TURKEY, SAY YEAHH!
Not only do they update when they see him, they update when they DONT see him:
Do you know how fucking insane it is to log in to a dedicated turkey group and tell all the fellow followers every time you did NOT see a specific turkey in the wild???? Like as much as this turkey appears to be a regular around town, you’d have to imagine the vast majority of your days go by with you not seeing this one, individual wild turkey. To login to a group to alert people you havent seen him?? “Just gotta let you guys know, there is NOT a turkey near West Street” Or to just blindly ask “Anybody see that one turkey today?” All of that is fucking insanity. You have legit ZERO prospects in life and must have zero discernible skills if this is the best way you can use your time.
Now listen I understand at this point in this blog (by the way, we got a LONG way to go) I’m already coming off like an asshole. These people love their town and they love this local animal thats kinda become their mascot. Why do I have to shit on that? And I’ll tell you why. Its a very simple answer. Turkeys are fucking DISGUSTING. We’re not talking about a local puppy that the whole town loves. We’re not talking about a furry little critter like a special squirrel or something. We’re not even talking about a majestic bird like an eagle or a hawk. We’re talking about a disgusting turkey. Turkeys are such a repugnant creature I cant believe we even eat them. I mean look at a turkey up close:
APALLING. What a fucking revolting animal. That neck looks like a droopy old ballsack covered in boils. Thats why I have no problem hating this winged spawn of Satan and all the other people who love it. I mean who would look at that animal and think anything other than “KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!” Let alone decide to befriend the animal and dedicate your online persona to this repulsive bird? Thats whats even crazier about the Limpy facebook group….its not just pictures of the bird. Its a whole community of friends. They wish each other happy holidays and keep everyone abreast of their plans:
Happy New Limpy Year? What the fuck does that even mean? Merry Limpmas! Happy Limpoween!!! Christ. Somebody has gotta jump off a bridge – either all these people or me. Something has gotta give.
And because this is facebook, we arent just doing status updates and talking turkey. We, of course, are doing memes. Not funny memes. Not Twitter or IG memes. Facebook memes:
Could you imagine taking the time to make that fucking picture? Round up all these people and throw them into a mental institution. And the only thing thats worse that these intricate, complicated, Shakespeare memes are these Facebook Memes from the Boomers that arent even memes at all:
I dont know what these random pieces of wallpaper with big fat font are, but if you make these you need to kill yourself.
Alright so I think we’ve set the scene right? We’ve got this turkey. And we’ve got FIVE THOUSAND people who, I believe, most likely, are homicidal maniacs just waiting to unleash on society who currently funnel all their energy into stalking this bird. Fast forward to the end of the month. Limpy had gone missing. And then there was a report of an……………..INCEDENT
An indedent, folks. Now it doesnt take a detective to figure out where this blog ends up based on the title. I spoiled the ending for you, and for that I apologize. RIP to my Bird Limpie. But the way in which I discovered the death of Limpy in this facebook group was laugh out loud funny. Given the circumstances…given the medium….knowing how much this animal meant to these people and how active they are on facebook…when I scrolled and hit this post, it took my breath away. Ready? Brace yourself. Scroll down with anticipation
BAM, RIP Limpy. Thats it. No article. No explanation. No detail. Just RIP Limpy. Cuncel da Trukey. Apparently the Incedent was Limpy getting hit by a car, and someone trying to nurser it back to health with some corn. Which, is patently ridiculous. I suppose its also sad. Yes. Preposterous, but sad. I guess. I mean we slaughter zillions of turkey every year to eat, so I’ll be honest – I can’t muster up much passion for the death of one more. Especially not Limpy who was known for “chasing mail trucks” and “Sparring with police cruisers.” You reap what you sow. You live fast, die young. Like Stephanie said, live by the street die by the street:
Man or beast, the streets will EAT. YOU. UP. Bottom line, Limpy flew too close to the sun with the wings of a flightless bird and he paid the price. Whoever gave him that limp came back and finished the job. Its curtains for Limpy. Eternal Sheets. Poor Thing.
What ensued on this goddam turkey facebook group was absolutely wild. Never mind World War 3 breaking out imminently. Someone hit a turkey.
Real question, is Sheila Fennelly Bruce talking about a school shooting? Or some glorified road kill? I honestly couldnt tell you the difference based on her reaction. If someone told you the Montessori school was the latest location of a mass shooting it would sound exactly the same.
We’ve also got Karen here, who somehow thinks this wild animal whos natural habitat is the outdoors, somehow lived a lonely life of isolation…like the homeless humans of the world
How fucking pissed would you be if you were a homeless human and you saw that this goddam turkey was getting more sympathy than you and all your homeless teammates combined? Like oh NOW you’ll donate food to help me from starving to death because a turkey got hit by a car? Where were you when I was starving to death last week? I’ll tell you where you probably were. Stalking this fucking turkey for your facebook group. Keep your can of beans, assholes.
Cheryl started crying from this Grim Reaper meme:
I gotta be honest if you think turkeys go to heaven you’re an IDIOT. It took thousands of years for the Pope to let DOGS into heaven. You think Limpy is sneaking in? Hes getting up to the pearly gates with his ballsack neck and St. Peter is shooing him away like hes got the plague. Which, he probably does. Remember that lesson when we were kids? How much disease a bird’s feather carries? Two lessons that always stuck with me – if you even do so much as TOUCH a wild bird’s feather, you are dying of the bubonic plague. That was number 1. And number 2, if you touch the fiberglass insulation in the attic you are going to get cancer and die from scratching yourself to death. So yea, no. The grim reaper didnt have some cute convo with Limpy about him being the GOAT bird. He sliced his scrotum neck with his sickle and probably ate him for dinner.
You’re probably now thinking, what about the children, KFC! Think of the children! How are they coping with this tragedy? Well I’ll tell you. Julie Bankovich’s 11 year old kid made a shitty photoshop to honor this dead turkey.
Is that Limpy on the moon? Over looking the planet earth? This picture sucks, kid. 6 turkeys photoshopped on the moon. Wow. What a moving tribute. You idiot. (Word to Maddox. Only the true, true, TRUE OGs of the internet know about Maddox and the Best Page In the Universe / Iambetterthanyourkids) And are we implying that the moon is the “better place?” Because the moon is a desolate empty rock and I highly, highly doubt this dead turkey somehow made it to the surface of the moon. And if you think he’s gone to turkey heaven I highly doubt thats a “better place” than being alive. Probably gets to the afterlife and gets stuck in one of those coops like in Napoleon Dynamite:
Jacob went all Kanye West on em:
All of the lights, all of the lights! But Jamie Rich Soule brings up an interesting thought. What if this wasnt an accident at all? What if this was a classic case of bird murder? Burder. What if it was Turkicde???
Judy Hoyt…the Baudi Moovan of this turkey group. Ready to do some internet stalking and find his killer. Rule Number 1 of the internet…DONT FUCK WITH TURKEYS.
JB Stewart just wishes in hindsight, someone relocated a wild turkey. Yes, me too, JB. I wish we had the Precogs from Minority Report to look into the future and see just how all turkeys will die, so that we know which ones to move out of the residential areas to prevent any future vehicular manslaughter. We could have saved this one!!!
But we didnt. Limpy is DEAD. And so now its time for the services. And most importantly, what to do with his ashes. Jacob says to spread them about the common square:
Jason says Main Street
And Autumn says give them to the Mailman.
Could you I M A G I N E the scene if a town of lunatics walked up to the local mailman with an urn containing the ashes of a dead turkey? This government worker, trudging through rain sleet hail and snow…probably waiting for the sweet release of death, hoping every day that he is the one to get hit by a car and die…imagine stopping him mid route and being like “We thought you would like this box of dead turkey.” That mailman probably fucking HATED that turkey. He was probably the one that killed it. I can just see it now. Autumn gives the eulogy – “Good night, sweet prince” and the Mailman is standing downwind ready to hit everyone else with his truck
So tip a 40…or in the case of all these ridiculous asshole hipsters who love this non domesticated wild bird, a nice cab sav with a long nose and an earthy finish…and pour one out for your boy:
And please, please remember – if the weight of Limpy’s death is too great for you to withstand….you are not alone. Pick up the phone. Help is one call away.
“Is this the suicide hotline?” “Yes.” is maybe the funniest thing I’ve ever read on the internet. Just a deadpan “Yes. For all the people who are killing themselves over this turkey death, call this number for help.” Thanks, Joan!
So tonight as you go home to your family…think about how lucky you are. Think about how you’re not a dead turkey. Be grateful you’re a living human and not a wild turkey who was murdered in a premeditated hit and run. And ask yourself this question:
What will you do to honor the late, great Limpy? Me personally? I am going to kill myself. If Limpy dies, so do I. My commitment is that deep.
Plus its better than just buying a goddam magnet