The 2019 Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup

I believe it was Albert Einstein who said “It is the supreme art of the teacher to awaken joy in creative expression and knowledge.” But I know for a fact it was that other cosmic genius, Thornton Mellon, who said, “I like to date school teachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.”

Like so many great moments that changed the world forever and for the better, the exact moment the first Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup was assembled is lost to history. No one knew at the time of the magnitude of such a creation. So the date was not recorded. No one thought to capture it for posterity. There is no plaque marking the location of the event. The best estimates are that it was some time in 2009, when a bored state employee who spent his considerable downtime surreptitiously writing blogs thought to himself, “Geez, there’s been a lot of these female teachers having sex with their students lately. I wonder if I can do something with that.” And so the cultural institution that is Grading the Newest Sex Scandal Teacher and then grouping them into a batting order at the end of the year was born. Possibly 10 years ago, but no one can truly say.

What I can say is that for the two years I left Barstool to wander in the sports radio wilderness, every time I met a Stoolie, the SST was the second thing they’d mention. It’d be “I miss you on Barstool. Miss the teachers thing.” Towards the end of my contract, when I first talked to Dave about coming back, it was the second thing he brought up. Inside of two minutes we had a deal. And not four days ago a total stranger stopped me in a store to talk about the Stool and as I’m leaving he said “I love the teacher thing.” So for all of you, here it is. The teacher thing.

We live in a world of hyperbole and extremes, where everything by it’s nature has to be classified as the Best Thing Ever or the Absolute Worst Ever, with no in-between. This is not the case here. There’s no need for such clickbait nonsense here. The SST Starting Lineup should be a sanctuary from all that exaggeration and hot takes. Objectively speaking, 2019 wasn’t quite the year that 2018 was. But this lineup can hold its deranged, horndog head high and compete with almost any of the legendary teams of the past. As you’ll now find out.

Presenting the 2019 Sex Scandal Teacher Starting Lineup:

Leadoff: Chelsie Leroy, Missouri

When I’m putting together a batting order, I don’t necessarily need the best or the most talented at the top. What I’m looking for is a tone setter. A grinder. Someone who’s going to battle and prove to the opposition they’re in for a battle. And that’s my girl Chelsie Leroy. This 23-year-old Sarah Hyland-looking Drama teacher was just two weeks into her employment before she started exchanging texts with one of her students. A week later they were making out. A week after that, they were doing it in the theater. Twice in fact, in her 95 days on the job. Which probably comes as a disappointment to generations of theater kids who got no such perks during all their rehearsal for “Annie Get Your Gun,” but probably still does wonders for Drama Club enrollments. If Chelsie directs as well as she SSTs, we’ve found our next Manuel Lin-Miranda.

Batting 2nd: Rochelle Lee Cressman, Pennsylvania

Just like with the leadoff spot, in the 2-hole I want someone who’s aggressive. Someone who’s not going to swing from their heels but not keep the bat on their shoulder, either. Someone who can get the bat on the ball and be a tough out. Enter Rochelle Lee Cressman. This little lunatic taught middle school. And if you think that would deter her from getting involved with her students, you’ve got the wrong teacher, my friend. She was arrested for 10 counts of intercourse and 42 counts of deviant sexual something-or-other, all taking place at “multiple” locations including her house and his. And, as if trying to get to the top of this order, she threw in a “terroristic threat” charge to boot. It worked.

3-Spot: Allyssa Gustafson, Illinois

Allysa Gustafson is yet another 23-year-old who took up with a student in her rookie season on the job. Right out of college she took a job teaching at a special school for kids with behavioral problems, and wasted no time trying out some new methods for reaching her students. You know how in the ’80s and ’90s they’d make movies where like Michelle Pfeiffer would be given a class of at-risk youth and related to them by showing them how poetry is just like rap or something? Allysa tried more of a 2010’s approach. By sending this one kid lingerie shots and then boning him at his mother’s house five times. She even met the mom, who mistook her for a high school senior. There are teachers out there who did more, but none of them have Gustafson’s natural abilities. And that’s why she’s here.

Cleanup: Fiona Viotti, South Africa

Quite simply the one clear and obvious Hall of Famer out of this group. The easiest selection of the year. Fiona taught history and coached water polo at an elite private academy. And she was once profiled in Sports Illustrated’s “Beauties of Sport” feature. Both before and after getting married, she let at least six of her players put the ball in the net, so to speak. And she chose carefully, as all of them were over the age of 18 and therefore perfectly legal. As if that wasn’t enough to cement her HoF candidacy, some WhatsApp porns of her were released, including one “on her back topless and performing a sex act on herself” and another “lying on her back in sexy black lingerie as she undresses.” In fact, when those videos hit the internet in early December, Fiona Viotti became the most searched term in the English-speaking world. In a word, greatness.

5-Hole: Emily Salazar, California

Emily Salazar achieved the lofty spot in the heart of the order not so much for what she did in the classroom, but what she did for her classroom in her off hours. She and her husband ran a porn page, mainly through Twitter, in which she would perform with various men while her husband worked the camera. A clue as to what kind of men she and Mr. Salazar preferred to work with can perhaps be found in her online names, “Queen of Spades” and “BBCSLUTWIFE4U2.” The connection between her alter egos of the Mild Mannered Teacher and Diversity-Celebrating, Train-Running Amateur Porn Queen was made when she did an appearance at the AVNs. Then someone checked her videos and a portion of one appeared to be filmed on the campus of the school where she worked. Anyway, her students made the connection and started an Instagram page dedicated to hilarious memes involving her after school job. The page is now deleted, but there’s one above and there are some more examples in the link I provided. Hopefully her amateur porn career works out better than the one that would’ve given her benefits and a pension for the rest of her life.

Batting 6th: Kirstie None Rosa, Florida

Surprisingly, our first entry from the great SST state of Florida. And practically no one worked harder to represent her homeland or make this squad. Kirstie did some pioneering work in the field, utilitzing contemporary kids love of vaping products as her in. She worked out elaborate schemes to get the the materials they themselves can’t legally buy, including leaving them in the boys room at a specific time, in that way Red would slip guys in the Shawshank laundry packs of Lucky Strikes as payment for them smuggling in his goods. Only Rosa wasn’t after rock hammers and Rita Hayworth posters. She was more into weed and hot tub threesomes, which she enjoyed with two of her vape buddies. We know this because it was caught on film by the surveillance cameras in the pool area of her condo complex. She also did it with the students at her place and their own homes, once while the older brother of the kid was in the next room with his girlfriend and they both heard it. That is doing the people of Florida proud.

7-Spot: Megan Parris, Florida

OK, now we go back-to-back. Megan Parris is a solid, if unspectacular entry. She actually taught at New Smyrna Beach High School, the same place as 2018 first ballot Hall of Famer Stephanie Peterson, but that’s not why she’s here. She got her spot in the New Smyrna HS SST trophy case through her own hard work. Megan first tried to kick start the relationship by giving the lad a ride home from school, finding an excuse to stop inside her house and getting naked in the kitchen before he asked her to stop. A week later she closed the sale in her car. And later in a park. Then possibly in the classroom where she kicked another student out so they could be alone. Then they were seen coming in to school together in the morning 90% of the time. Add a burner phone with nudes and “I love you” texts and she had about as complete a 5-tool game as anyone.

8-Hole: Stacy Loren Cabral, Florida

I didn’t intend to do three Floridians in a row, I just have to do what’s in the best interest of the team. That’s what they pay me to do and I’m going to do it. And Stacy Loren deserves it. Anyone who could compile the kind of stats she did just working as a substitute teacher and a private tutor could not be kept off this nine. After a mom who hired her to work with her son confronted her about the nudes she found on his phone, Ms. Cabral promised to quit her job and never contact the lad again. A week later the mom found her boy at Stacy’s house at 1 a.m. And 94 calls or texts, all made within a few days, between 9 p.m. and 6 a.m., and 10 to 20 porn videos. Name me another sub who can produce like that and I’ll clear a roster spot. You can’t.

Bottom of the Order: Susan Weddle, Florida

What? Four in a row? I’m not playing favorites. If you don’t like it, do better, other 49 states. Susan was a late entry and most definitely bumped some teacher who must’ve thought she was a lock for the All Star team. So don’t rest on your laurels because there’s always another one out there. Just very few with the drive and want-to of Susan Weddle. Her sidepiece in question was her son’s friend, whom she did it with “several hundred times” beginning last year. It all started when they went to her son’s football game together, got drunk, the kid shot his shot, she resisted with the old “it would be wrong” before giving him the go-ahead for the first of their triple digit encounters. The rest came at his house, at her house, in the car and on the beach. A guy power washing her house saw her getting power washed through the window. And a friend saw the various nudes she sent him. Note: I don’t think I can honestly use that “hundreds of times” descriptive for my entire 26-year marriage. But I’m not bitter. Anyway, if there’s been a more solid No. 9 hitter in the history of this blog, I can’t imagine who it could’ve been.

Pinch Hitter: Kelsie Rochelle Koepke, Texas

To be clear, the only reason Kelsie Rochelle Koepke isn’t a starter is because she didn’t actually complete the “Sex” part of the criteria. All she did was use Snapchat to send videos of herself masturbating with a clear view of her face to one of the students in her lunch period. She said the first one was an accident, meant for someone she met through a dating app, saying “I can’t believe I did that” when she saw the kid the next day. And to deal with the situation, she kept the vids and photos coming. To him and to a bunch others. “To keep the peace,” she told the cops. The punchline is that this all started on the night of Homecoming, forever now to be known as Homecumming in Katy, TX.

Defensive Replacement: Meaghann Wells, Missouri

Meaghann (can we PLEASE settle on one spelling?) Wells follows the usual pattern. Sexually explicit texts, nudes, car sex, house sex and so one. What sets her apart from your average sex-crazed educator is that she was the school counselor. And among the other items she carried with her, in addition to phone porn, was the handgun she brought to school every day. You need someone to turn a gap double into an out in the late innings when you’re hanging onto a lead, I nominate the Sex Scandal Counselor who’s packing heat.

Blonde Starter: Cayla Pusey, Indiana

Cayla was the athletic trainer who began exchanging sex texts and nudes with one of the school athletes before eventually engaging in a non-specified ( though we can probably guess) “sex act.” Being a woman of honor, she approached her BF’s mom and asked if they could continue. Mom, understandably, thought that wasn’t a good idea. But the damage was done. Simply put, you’re either going to end up as a starter on this team or as a 007 supervillainness with a name like Cayla Pusey.

Brunette Starter: Edna Mabel Longoria, Texas

Ah, Edna Mabel. The teacher with the names of a 1950s housewife and the photo quality to match. But not only is there a top notch MILF not being done justice by all those pixels, there’s a bold and daring SST. Ms. Longoria’s location of choice for her dalliances was right in her own dojo. The CSI crew hired to look into the kids claims they did it right in school “located multiple biological fluids from the classroom.” That doesn’t say much about the custodians in her school, but it says everything about her deserving a spot in the rotation.

Ginger Starter: Kassandra Moore, Florida

Kassandra Moore was a newlywed when she took the rare step of using Instagram messenger to get the ball rolling with this one student. The messages became more suggestive over time, including, “I wanted to just grab you and kiss you, but I didn’t want to make the first move and you reject me.” And led to the inevitable “lewd selfie-style” pictures, showing her in lingerie with her “body parts exposed and posed in a sexual manner.” And eventually encounters in her car which were caught on the school security cameras, Kassandra asking another teacher to lie for her, asking another student how you can remotely delete messages on somebody’s esle’s phone, and finally car sex in a park. Confirmed by the used condom they found at the scene with Mrs. Moore’s DNA all over it. And they say the honeymoon can’t last forever.

Specialist: Laura Ramos, Connecticut

Laura Ramos might not be anyone’s idea of a superstar, but she did it with two separate students on multiple occasions, one in the back room of a restaurant after complaining her husband “starved her of sex.” As if finding out your wife gave one of her students The Ol’ Rick Pitino wasn’t enough, she later texted the kid to tell him it was the best sex she’d ever had. That’s the kind of person you want to call on to get you that high-leverage out in a crucial situation.

Setup 1: Apryl Patterson, Ohio

Apryl (again, with the spelling) was teaching at a sort of Last Chance U. school who got in trouble after texts were found on her phone describing how she bought beers for a student, had him over her apartment and boned him. Her punishment? Administrative leave. And was told to stay away from the kid. In other words, a total free pass. So she did what any aspiring SST would do: She tried to get in touch with him through another employee at the school. The kicker is that was all around the time she was named Teacher of the Month. That’s the kind of guts you want to give the ball to late in the game.

Setup 2: Jeanna Wesson, Texas

This 46-year-old science teacher taught even during her free periods. By which I mean she had no class during fifth period so she texted a student to whom she’d been sending nudes and videos to come join her, clocked the door and then gave him a blowjibber. Thus teaching him about biology, chemistry and human reproduction.

Closer: Elizabeth Harbert, West Virginia

You want someone fearless with the game on the line? Someone with guts, nerves of steel and confidence? Then you want Elizabeth Harbert. While her husband was working third shift at a coal mine, the single hardest, most thankless job in America, she convinced him to bring one of her students into their home and give him a place to live. And then began making babies with her new semi-adopted son. Four in all. And along the way got super possessive and jealous if he tried to even take a girl to Junior Prom. According to the statement he gave police, she told her babydaddy to think of her as “70% mom and 30% girlfriend; no big deal.” And as their relationship evolved, it became “70% girlfriend, 30% mom.” He’s now an adult and got the Maury Povich done to prove the kids are, in fact, his. That’s who you want slamming the door shut at the end of close games.

Manager: Amanda O’Nan, South Carolina

Mrs. O’Nan was a school principal. That is, until her husband filed a complaint with the local sheriff that one of his staff sergeants was banging his wife while on duty. In her office, no less. All sides denied it for a while. Until an Internal Affairs investigation began and the sergeant involved came clean. My favorite wrinkle of the story is how the students held rallies to support her when she was put on leave. Anyone who can get teenagers off the couch to go make foam board signs to support their principal who was banging a cop while on the clock can lead my team any day.

Assistant: Sarah Joy Guazzo, Australia

Mrs. Guazzo went to trial for the crime of cheating on her husband with a student she first hit on in the middle of a hoax bomb scare. The testimony was that she approached the kid and whispered the sweet words every growing boy longs to hear. “Have you ever thought of having sex with a teacher?” Later texts followed where she asked, “Do you wanna do something fun?” Then she complained that she’s in a sexless marriage and love blossomed. Her lawyer argued that she was the one taken advantage of and the student had all the experience at “love making.” She was acquitted in 15 minutes. Who better to be in your manager’s ear giving sound advice?

Toughest Omissions:

Anitra Lahiri, Vermont

I’ll confess there’s not a lot to Anitra Lahiri’s story. Just an accusation she had some inappropriate involvement with a student at the private academy where she taught. Something about her just speaks to me, in that crunchy, Vermont, Prius-driving IPA-drinking Bernie Bro kind of way. But I couldn’t kick off a more deserving candidate.

Desiree Christina Cartin Rodriguez, Florida

There are no real holes in Desiree’s game. In fact, she’s got videos that prove it’s clearly her giving sloppy Beejs to one of her students. She simply didn’t make the cut.

Biggest Disappointments:

Elisia Panepinto, New York

Elisia was the school Resource Officer who apparently had an “inappropriate relationship” that with a middle schooler, with no evidence that it ever became sexual. Is that creepy as hell? Yes. But you’ve got to seal the deal to be anything more than an afterthough here.

Alyssa Tungul, Canada

I tried to find something more about Ms. Tungul than she was charged with something inappropriate. I tried real hard, Ringo. I came up with nothing. It takes more than good looks to gain SST immortality.

Elizabeth Wilcek, Kansas

Same with Elizabeth Wilcek. In the words of everyone in C’s life in “A Bronx Tale,” the worst thing in life is wasted talent.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for the nice feedback. Thanks to all you loyal SSToolies who contribute so much by sending information. You’re doing the work of the angels. And mostly, as always, thanks to the insane, gob-hungry nutjobs who throw their careers away for a few minutes of clumsy, inappropriate and illicit groping with schoolboys. Here’s to 2020.