Witchcraft And Jizzardy: The Translucent Truth About Cheating In Quidditch

KB1/03/2020 7:59 PM

It’s no secret that sportswriters and reporters have historically walked on egg shells when it comes to the topic of cheating in quidditch. In fact, lately it seems like they’ve been lacing up their little leather flats and doing an entire choreographed tap-dancing routine around the issue. Sure, they’ll eagerly publish 4,000-word, adderall-inspired hit pieces and damning exposés about Beaters accused of corking their bludger bats, or Chasers who allegedly tested positive for famprofazone. But when it comes to the prohibited use of pure-blood wizard semen — the highly viscous substance colloquially referred to as “jizzardry” when produced by a male quidditch player, or “gine tar” when secreted by a female witch—they refuse to even acknowledge it, ostensibly out of fear of “sexualizing teens” or coming across as crude and predatory. However, the secret truth—the elephant in the chamber —is that, regardless of what sparked the schoolboy spunk, it’s a rampant method of athletic cheating that’s been getting swept under the rug by media and officials for decades now.

As early as 1942, Slytherin’s star seeker, Winky Crockett, was caught white-handed attempting to discreetly blast off (ejaculate) into his palm in the middle of a World Cup match against Czechoslovakia’s national team. Crockett inexplicably ended up facing no repercussions and continued to serve as the captain of his team for two more seasons while moonlighting as an unlicensed manufacturer of illegal, high percentage butterbeer.

In the mid ‘90s, Fred Weasley was a world-class Beater on and off the quidditch pitch. Despite being known around campus as “Spunkmaster Hex” and “Fred Burst” for his aggressive use of taboo spells to simultaneously bust several loads (from a limp dick) onto his wooden beater’s bat and broomstick before matches, the Gryffindor star was never suspended from a single game, or punished in any manner, for his actions. His pure-blood wizard penis, which earned the nickname “Magic Johnson” for its seemingly effortless ability to [redacted]

But perhaps the most flagrant, yet least talked about, perpetrator of the juicy violation in Hogwarts history: Harold James Potter.

Yes, you read that right. In a recent development catalyzed by yours truly, the beloved Harry Potter was finally exposed as the fraudulent athlete he's been ever since he stopped shooting blanks during his second year at Hogwarts.

According to an anonymous source, in several matches, Potter’s hand was visibly lathered in such a thick layer of semen that it appeared as if he was "wearing Michael Jackson’s glove" or "working on a papier-mâché project."

“It was almost insultingly obvious — he had enough seed in his palm to singlehandedly sow a mid-size farm.”

According to another source, in some bouts, he had a “Camila Cabello concert or Cromartie Christmas celebration worth of kids” on his hand. It's even reported that his own fans would pridefully refer to him as "Harry Blew-Weenie" and "Cream Abdul Jabar" to compliment his cheating, athletic, and magic skills.

So why did Rowling never mention this is any of her half-dozen-plus nonfiction books? Not even a single peep?

She felt the need to retroactively reveal that Dumbledore used to suck off Grindelwald at a glory hole in Godric’s Hollow, and that Professor McGonagall participated in extracurricular activities with Ernie MacMillan that would’ve granted her summa cum laude status on Jerry Thornton’s grading scale. But when it comes to Harry Potter’s sticky violations, she refused to make a single statement. Complete crickets.

Sure, there were subtle hints on her Twitter page, but only the keen Mensa minds of journalists like me were able to put the pieces together.

“It’s just a little semen.”

This was the most common rebuttal from Gryffindor fans when the news about Harry Potter’s cheating accusations was initially broken. You know what was “just a little semen” at one point? Adolf Hittler. And Ferdinand Magellan. If “just a little semen” can be powerful enough to start wars and circumnavigate the globe, what makes you think it couldn’t unfairly steal a victory from a deserving quidditch squad? Besides, who said anything about a little semen?

According to researchers at the University of Oxford, the average wizard load is several times larger, stickier, and more powerful than that of a muggle. Traditionally, it was used as a sealant for cabinetmaking and maritime purposes, but today it is also used in soaps, shampoos, and treatments for various skin disorders.

In the 19th century, James Jisom III played the major role in establishing the conservation of muggle to wizard loads as a universal, all-pervasive principle of physics.

Basic Units

Jisom (J). This is the basic wizard load unit of the metric system, or in a later more comprehensive formulation, the International System of Units (SI). It is ultimately defined in terms of mass, length, cohesion, consistensy, and temperature.

The overwhelming size and magnitude of jisoms has been reported and speculated about by witchcraft and wizardry fanatics/fan fiction writers for a few years now...