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The Official List Of The Gayest Things I Did In 2019

So I’ve been trolling this British website lately called “Pink News.” It’s okay, they cover a ton of LGBT stories, but the videos they post have a “safe space” vibe to them that bugs the shit out of me. Maybe it’s just because the people they talk to are boring, but I think part of it is that they’re more concerned with appearing to be knowledgable than they are with actually being honest. This one is a perfect example. They asked the participants what the gayest thing they did in 2019 was and these were their answers:

Which are all valid mind you, but I mean…really? The gayest thing you did in 2019 was drag once and think about getting a cat with your girlfriend? I took molly on ‘Pride Island” shirtless while watching Madonna perform Like A Virgin in front of Donatella Versace’s VIP booth…

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The best part was that she didn’t care that the rest of us were being crushed to death. I’m not taking away from their answers, I’m just saying that they’re not relatable. They’re not even that gay. At least not compared to my list. So here it is in no particular order. I’m warning you, it’s brutally honest. Maybe a little too honest so don’t show my mom.

In 2019 The Gayest Thing (s) I Did Was…
– Have sex with a man
– Make blueberry muffins
– Go to Pride
– Write this blog
– And this blog
– And this blog
– And this blog
– Complained about Celine Dion ‘phoning it in’ at a drag bar
– Thought about dying my hair blonde
– Used “Mane and Tail” shampoo
– Got a clear coat after a pedicure
– Saw Countess Luann live in concert
– Spent $50 on a day pass to Equinox because I heard the guys were hot
– Got a hand job in the steam room of said Equinox
– Scared myself into thinking I had HIV
– Went to cryotherapy
– Recommended ’20 Feet To Stardom’
– Eat a poke bowl
– Thought I was fat
– Removed all the bacon from my bacon egg and cheese because I thought it was giving me love handles
– Dated a rock climber
– Got dumped by a rock climber
– Bought sweatpants that “made my dick pop”
– Looked up who Lisa Ann was
– Cried at Boy Erased
– Shaved my lower back
– Live tweeted Andy Cohen and Anderson Cooper New Year’s Eve
– Looked up trips to Mykonos
– Made fun of Instagram thots
– Followed then followed then followed Jeremy Kost
– Got upset at ‘toxic gay online culture’ while simultaneously contributing to ”toxic gay online culture’
– Used the word “king”
– Had a cocktail with my barber…
– Went to this party…

You get the idea. There are a million other things I didn’t mention but my point is, LGBT media needs to start featuring real everyday people with real everyday experiences if they want to appeal to a larger audience. Have a great day and stay gay.